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welcome! to anxieties 101!
after looking things over here at anxieties 101,
try out "the layer down under," (part of the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i
just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
 
Making the site work best for you!
You'll
notice that there are many underlined link words in each article below. The reason for this is that you've reached
not only, "anxieties 101," but the emotional feelings network
of sites. There are many sites included within the network that will be visited by clicking on these underlined link
words. They're all linked together thru the underlined link words to offer the opportunity for a more thorough understanding
of whatever problem you're investigating!
The reason for this opportunity
is very simple & yet you may be unnerved by all those underlined words! I've been in recovery from post traumatic stress disorder, depression & many other dysfunctional ventures & thru it all I've discovered that emotion & feeling
work may be the missing link that many people miss when trying to find solutions to their problems.
Developing a sense of curiosity about why you feel the way you do, is essential in finding the solution you so desperately are searching for. If you
can't find what you came here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking here & read the options on
the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling & click on the
site you need!
It's very simple & very
interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout
the years!
Best of luck & if you're
still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
Sincerely,
Kathleen
i made the decision to do this exercise because i had such an overwhelming need to know, "WHY.... why did all these terrible things happen to me throughout my lifetime?"
my grown children
had me doing some soul searching as to why they had to experience the things
they did. they began to come up with the nerve to ask me - why didn't i leave my ex-husband who was
physically, mentally & verbally abusive to us all?
why did i divorce their father? i've been married a few times, the ex-husband
above was husband #2. Their father is husband #1.
why?, why?, why? - they had no problem asking me questions concerning what they believed to be the source of their
mental anguishes....
i
found it extremely frustrating that they didn't understand that none of what happened was intentional....
it just happened.. &
i was just beginning at age 46 to understand why it all happened.
i then realized... my parents did what
they knew how to do & they didn't know why they did the things they did to me either....
this may sound like rambling to you, but to me...
well... it was all becoming so very clear...
i felt that the only thing left to do - was to take it all - bit by bit - write it all down - figure it
all out - feel the unresolved emotions, realize the magnitude of the dilemma my mother was in while we were growing up, now knowing that it was exactly what
i had experienced in my own generation, my own time, in my own way.... & eventually begin to heal from it all...
what i found out was how important it was for me to stop all the abuse - all the family dysfunction - for my children - to learn enough myself - take responsibility for my own children & my own life & my own actions. i needed to teach them what my mother & i didn't know, to
end the cycle of abuse, allow them to live a happy & fulfilling life...
so i took the first step: i began writing down everything i could remember from as far back in my life as i
could remember. it took several attempts of getting small glimpses of things i thought i had forgotten, but after the cobwebs
were removed, seemed clearer to me... if you are trying this for yourself.... just read
on & see what else i did to reconcile my past...
yeah, i'm a baby boomer... this may account for the fact that i've been experiencing mental
health issues since childhood!
my mom & dad, like myself, are all from upstate new york. my parents were high school
sweethearts. they played instruments in their high school band. my dad played the trombone & my mom the clarinet.
of course, it was demanded that i play my mother's silver clarinet when i was in
jr. high school. My mother played the piano & i had already started piano lessons in the 3rd grade maybe... around that
age anyway, but it was important to them that we learn how to play music!
as i've heard the story told &
from what i've been able to decipher for myself from the many black & white snapshots i've seen from my early years, i
was born shortly after my parents were married. (i'm not counting months by any means, it's
just that i came along like clockwork)
my father had attended Hobart
William Smith College, thinking maybe he had "a calling" to become a "minister" but he ended up
enlisting in the army before i was born & my mother managed to get in a few years at the community college taking some
kind of secretarial courses. (in retrospect, i have considered the possibility of my father wanting
to become a minister to somehow "please" his father...)
i was a 4th of july baby.
my mother, my grandmother & i traveled by plane to el paso, texas immediately following my birth because my father
had been stationed out there at white sands army base.
from the many snapshots i've
seen, i know that i was always tanned, in a cloth diaper w/fluffy, curly white-blond hair. seemingly as average as all kids,
i was growing & learning as most normal kids do. i can't tell you if my mom worked back then because i have never thought
to ask her.
i can tell you that she resumed her pre-pregnancy 105 pounds in record time. she was tall & thin &
a dark haired beauty. she really was & still is in her 60's a very attractive woman. she has always taken
pride in her appearance.
this fact was bothersome to me as a teen. in
fact, it seemed i never looked good enough for her. i always
had to watch my weight, i was short like her mother, only 5 foot 1 inch & even if she did buy all my clothes at casual
corner, i still didn't look right in them. they weren't me. but my mom bought all my clothes to
take pride in my appearance, after all...
appearances were always very important to her....
i think it was a belief grounded in her time - or generation - that one should always look good - the
family should always appear good, no matter what their true situation
was.
i never saw her looking messed up or like she just got out of bed.
i think that she must have taken after beaver cleaver's mother - june cleaver. she never ran around the house in sweat pants
& a t-shirt either. she always looked really good.
after living in el paso, texas from soon after
birth, we moved back to New York. We lived in Baldwinsville. I hardly remember my dad being around in that house. what
i do remember, i wish i could forget. he loved to hunt rabbit. in the big field behind our house he would hunt them down &
bring them home for my mother to cook. i was horrified, but had to eat what was put in front of me or i would sit there all
night.
the quality of my parents'
marriage was at question from the beginning. i'm not sure why i believe that, except for the fact that i don't ever remember seeing my mother
happy when i was a child. recently she admitted to me that she wasn't
very happy in those days... a definite improvement on her communication skills of the past... & i don't remember
how my dad looked in those days. i know he wasn't home much.
there were a few times i remember my mom & dad being affectionate w/each other in the 2nd or 3rd grade, after
work, she was sitting on his lap w/her arm around his neck, but to tell you the truth - things weren't kosher at our home for the most part. it's just something you always sense. my mother always seemed to have this expressionless face.
my parents never told
us about what was going on in our lives - in "reality terms" in those early years, so what i do know,
i know from the fact that i was the first child of a first child. i have discovered that being raised in the times i was raised
in was the time of - "children were to be seen & not heard."
i was the queen of eavesdropping
because everyone loved me or tolerated me at least. they'd allow me to stay near them, w/in earshot - present
in the room while they chatted & gossiped about whatever it was they decided was the topic of the times. i think that
perhaps i was mistaken in the fact that because of their tolerance w/me that they all loved me as i had thought. besides, i knew how to "be quiet." it served me well to be quiet as much as possible.
i lived on bits & pieces of juicy tidbits about everyone in
my family & formed definite ideas & beliefs on the information that i gathered in this fashion. we were very close w/our extended family - both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins.
we even lived w/my father's parents for awhile when my father wasn't
around, but i don't know if he was still in the service or what the exact storyline was there.
* blue highlighting
shows this is an article that helps me to understand more about how my past situations, described above, have been proven
to affect children in their adult lives!
Sunday, February 01,
2004 - Page updated at 04:36 P.M.
For your kid's well-being, getting it right early matters
By Marsha King
Seattle Times staff reporter
Babies who won't stop crying & toddlers who bite. These are among the most common dilemmas when child-care
workers call in expert help. In fact, most of the knotty situations child-care workers face have to do w/ behavior.
Addressing such problems positively is a big part of new efforts nationwide to foster young children's emotional
& social health to best prepare them for success in school & in life.
Getting it right early matters. It matters a lot.
In a groundbreaking 2000 report, the National Academy of Sciences reviewed recent research & concluded that
development of children's brains, emotional health & consciences depends on early loving, consistent relationships.
Called "From Neurons to Neighborhoods," the report says attending to young children's feelings is essential for them to get a good start.
That science & evidence of increasing behavior problems among young children are driving a new determination
to give all children good nurturing from birth.
In Washington, initiatives are under way to train parents & child-care providers to provide early loving, stable relationships; screen youngsters for social & emotional competency long
before kindergarten & create public policy that boosts children's chances for healthy development.
Studies show it's especially beneficial to intervene w/children compromised by trauma, poverty or adverse child rearing.
"Let's not wait. Let's start from birth to promote social & emotional health," says Jean Kelly, a University
of Washington early childhood development expert.
All this may seem like common sense, perhaps even a waste of money.
But, "If it were self-evident & everyone was doing this, we'd see fewer problems w/children's behavior,"
said Scott Beers, senior research fellow at the Talaris Research Institute in Seattle, which turns research into tools for
parents.
Research shows most parents don't intentionally guide their children's emotional development, says Beers.
click here and read about attachment parenting to get a clearer understanding
Also, many things that seem like common sense have been proved wrong, says Lenore Rubin, psychologist with Public
Health, Seattle & King County.
People used to say, "He was just a baby. He couldn't have known," says Rubin. "Forget it. That no longer applies.
... Babies are really capable of being impacted in a variety of ways by things going on around them. Even when they're
thought to be sleeping."
It's impossible to quantify the overall cost of the new efforts since they're evolving & so scattered among
public & private resources, experts say.
The child-care setting is a particular target of the new efforts because that's where many young children spend
a significant part of their day.
"Some children are in child care from 7 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. They get home, have dinner & a bath & go to
bed. They may have very little contact w/ their parents," Rubin says.
An estimated 114,000 of the state's children thru age 5: 33,900 in King County are enrolled in licensed
child-care centers & homes across the state. That doesn't account for those in unlicensed care.
Those statistics mean that for many children, developmental milestones, such as learning to trust & to feel good about themselves, often
are guided by child-care providers.
When young children "are tired, hurt, frustrated, they need to know they have someone who will help them manage those feelings," says Kelly. "Little babies can't manage those feelings by themselves."
Learning the cues
Child-care worker Maria Benavente watches herself on video warming a bottle for one infant while calling to
another across the room: "Amanda. Amanda. I see you, Amanda."
That's baby code for "You are safe. I haven't forgotten you even though I'm not right there."
Just days ago, 8 month old Amanda Hugdahl, newly enrolled at Green River Child Development Center in Auburn,
was anxious & hard to soothe. She refused to eat & cried when her diapers were changed.
Now the camera catches a curious, calm look on her face upon hearing her name, then a composed return to play.
Benavente is pleased: "She's feeling OK. Pretty content. Not showing any signs of distress."
The videographer, early-childhood consultant Diana Sandoval, agrees: "You do a great job of knowing what they
need as individuals."
The state-sponsored video session gives Benavente insight on how to build a nurturing relationship w/ Amanda
& all the infants in her care.
Mumps to misbehavior
Child care is a priority for Public Health, Seattle & King County, which created a child-care/health program
in the early 1980's. In the early years, public-health nurse-consultants guided child-care centers & homes primarily on
matters such as infection control & safety.
"When I started out, people were calling me about mumps, diarrhea, the communicable-disease issues that were really preventable,"
says Jan Gross, public-health nurse & consultant.
Gradually, the questions changed. Now, the vast majority are about behavior.
The new approach is to heed closely distress signals, such as crying & biting. Rather than label the child a troublemaker, care providers
are taught solutions grounded in science.
The baby may be upset from having too many different caregivers in a day.
The toddler may not be getting enough individual attention or be temperamentally
unsuited for group care.
"Sometimes the problem isn't about the child, it's about the environment the child is in," says Melissa Jankauskas,
supervisor of the Public Health child-care health program.
When public-health nurse Ellen Flamiatos walks into an infant room on one of her monthly visits, she first checks
the emotional climate.
Are the babies happy? Are the teachers stressed?
If all is well, she chats about the latest in brain research, developmental milestones & the cues babies
give, crying, hiccuping or cooing.
If things are hectic, Flamiatos might model sensitive care by comforting a crying baby.
She recalls one child-care worker feeding a baby but not making eye contact. She told the worker to hold the
baby higher, look into its eyes & smile.
The baby smiled back.
"Stick your tongue out."
Sure enough, the baby did it back.
The worker was thrilled.
"She realized how valuable she was at that point," said the nurse.
Money matters
Barriers to giving this kind of child care are longstanding & familiar.
Child care has never paid enough to retain skilled staff members & turnover makes it hard for kids to form essential, loving bonds. (also see attachment)
State surveys done in 2000 showed that 18% of child-care teachers & 40% of aides had been hired in the previous
6 months. Annual attrition was about 53%.
In 2002, the average wage statewide for child-care teachers was $9.69 an hour; aides made about $8.07. The average
center director earned about $2,300 a month. It's not pay you'd get rich on.
A continuing study by the National Institute of Child & Health Development reported 5 years ago that most
child care in this country is only poor to fair. Cathryn Booth-LaForce, a professor at the University of Washington School
of Nursing, is one of the principal investigators on the study, which is taking place in Seattle & elsewhere.
In general, high-quality child care has workers who are better educated, better paid & who stay on the job
longer. Such care is often costly.
"A lot of the child care in the US needs improvement," Booth-LaForce said. But "many families don't have the means to obtain
the sorts of quality child care that their children really need."
King
County agenda
Last year, a new policy agenda came out for promoting healthy early development in King County's children. Called
"Neurons to King County Neighborhoods," its almost-identical name is the local spin on the national report. And it relies
on the same science in proposing strategies, from education of new parents & developmental screening starting at age 3
to universal preschool & better pay & benefits for child-care providers.
The challenge now is to turn goals into action. It's too early to put a price on any one idea. But over the
next few months, Public Health will urge community leaders to decide which policies are most important.
This spring, Public Health in partnership w/ United Way of King County plans to have kindergarten teachers in
2 school districts assess children for learning readiness, factors such as physical health, social competence, maturity &
cognitive & language development.
The results will be mapped by school & by neighborhood, "so it's very clear neighborhood by neighborhood
where the gaps are in readiness to learn," said Sandy Ciske, manager of epidemiology, planning & evaluation with Public
Health. The data will be presented to parents, teachers & child-care providers, people who can take action.
For example, if children at one site score poorly on the social-emotional scale, perhaps child-care providers
nearby should work on those skills.
Ciske hopes all county school districts will participate eventually.
In Snohomish County, United Way already has launched one of the many "Success by Six" programs nationwide. All
480 kindergartners & preschoolers in the Arlington School District, plus 150 kids at 16 child-care sites that volunteered,
are being assessed for emotional & social health.
Then parents & teachers are setting goals to help a child learn how to calm himself when upset, for example, or to keep trying after a failure.
State efforts
The state of Washington is training public-health nurses, child-care providers & families to address the
social & emotional issues of young children.
One such program, "Promoting First Relationships," was developed by the UW's Kelly & colleagues & first
used to help homeless families. Now it's available to parents, nurses & child-care providers.
Under the program, trainers like Sandoval videotape real care-giving, sometimes in challenging situations, when a baby cries during diapering or a toddler misbehaves at mealtime.
Then the caregiver & instructor view the playback together & try to come up w/ ways to help the child
feel more secure. The instructor reinforces what's going right.
At the Green River center, Benavente has finished watching the tape of herself & baby Amanda.
"It's a very special & trusting role," says Benavente, who earned a bachelor's degree from the UW.
Amanda's mom, who also has an older daughter at the center, is grateful. She's studying to be a practical nurse. After she's employed, her husband, who now
drives a dump truck, may return to school. The couple could not pursue such goals w/out good child care.
If their girls' needs are met at this age, maybe they'll enter school w/a firm footing on which to build successful lives. Perhaps one day they'll come to know what their parents sacrificed.
"Maybe my children will understand later in life why I had to put them in day care," says Lucinda Hugdahl. "So I could
give them a better life."
Marsha King: 206-464-2232 or mking@seattletimes.com
i can't imagine my mother was
content w/that situation, living w/my father's parents that is, however,
she was always & still is a very independent woman.
my mother had 3 younger sisters. i'd always heard
a rumor that my mother had been a twin, but the twin hadn't survived. if he had - he would have been the only boy in her family.
i don't know how anyone felt about this fact,
no one ever discussed how they "felt" about anything. this too, i am guessing, is the way things were when my parents grew
up. it didn't matter how you felt about anything. that's just the way it was.
my father had a blended family to begin with. his father
had been married previously & his wife had died. he had 2 sons from that 1st marriage. my father was the oldest child
from my grandfather's 2nd marriage to my grandmother. he had a brother & a sister. my father's brother married my mother's sister... that's always fun to explain...
my father was an "absent" father no matter what else he was - & throughout my entire life
& because of that he ended up screwing me up more than he could've ever hoped for.
step three: i researched what the
effects of having an absent father would be. i researched the benefits of having a strong relationship with a father figure...
all this so i would understand why i was maladjusted so to speak.
Fathers matter in child's
development
Last Updated:
2002-03-11 17:42:32-05
Results
of a new study sends a strong message to fathers. The research finds fathers have a big impact on everything from their child's mental health to
their risk of committing a crime!!
Researchers
followed 17,000 children thru adulthood. The study found girls whose fathers were involved in their upbringing
were less likely to have mental health problems as grownups, for boys dad's involvement reduced the risk of committing a crime or being homeless.
The study found boys & girls who grew up feeling close to their fathers during adolescence were more
likely to have happier love lives.
The research also found that a good relationship w/dad
or father figure helped protect adolescents from psychological problems in
families where the parents have separated.
The bottom line say researchers
- fathers count.
Researchers say an involved father
is one who reads to his child, takes outings w/ his child,
is interested in the child's education & takes an equal role
in managing his child.
They note that the research
showed that the positive influence came thru even if the father didn't live w/ the child's mother or wasn't
the child's biological father.
The study also found that a father's involvement
at age 7 is strongly related to children's educational achievements as they grow up.
The study was conducted by researchers at the Department
of Social Policy & Social Work at the University of Oxford. The research was presented at National Science Week (8-17
during March 2002)
step four: now i compared how my father really was - absent - with
the trends of the times. if you read about fathers in the right hand column you will see that it was thru no fault of his
that he believed he was doing what every other dad was doing -
my mother's mother had married my grandfather
when she was only 15 years old.... and she was a wonderful grandmother...
she would always take care of me & i loved to stay w/her. we would have hot
tea and these little powdered doughnuts in a bag, called Spaulding Doughnuts. We always had them. Never fail. And my grandma
& I would watch Petticoat Junction & Bewitched on television at night while we had our tea & doughnuts.
my earliest feelings of anxiety stemmed
from the fact that i'd overheard "certain people" (my grandmother & my aunts i think) talking about the fact that my mother was so unhappy about having another baby.(my sister is 5 years younger than i am & i also have a brother who is 3 years younger)
i was anxious because it seemed like my sister
was always in her crib crying. although it would have
been impossible at the age of 6 to understand what that statement had really meant, i had a sense that what they had said was the truth. (although...
somewhere my mother had learned that it was good for a baby to lay in the crib & cry its lungs out because it was exercise.)
i remember
my mother sitting on the sofa (as
they called it then) looking out the window, listening to
her albums as if she were pining away after her freedom or her happiness - listening to the ballads of the kingston trio & harry belafonte or maybe she was pining
for the love she thought she would have in a marriage.
the
whole time my mother seemed entranced
in her thoughts, my sister at 1 year old was standing in the crib sobbing. i didn't know whether to laugh
& sing w/my mother or go into my room & cry for my sister.
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