Mental
illnessisn't
just a "state of mind" or a "character flaw."
Sometimes you're physically & mentally "not capable"
of thinking clearly when you're experiencing symptoms from anxiety, anxiety disorders &/or depression. anxiety disorders often co-exist w/other disorders. Depression is the most common co-existing disorder to anxiety disorders.
"As Lincoln said of the little girl as she put her foot
in her stocking, "It strikes me that there is something in it." There is. "
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Got questions, concerns, suggestions or just want to say hello? Need someone
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They're more likely to suffer depression than women as incomes decline, study finds
WEDNESDAY, Sept. 21 (HealthDay
News) "Downward mobility," or a drop in economic and social class, quadruples the risk of depression in middle-aged men but doesn't have the same kind of impact on
older women, British researchers say.
Reporting
in the current issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, researchers at the University of Newcastle
upon Tyne who studied more than 500 men and women found that more women than men were clinically depressed at age 50.
In total,
twice as many women as men reported downward social mobility between birth and 50 years of age. The study also found that
women's risk of depression at mid-life was strongly associated with their social class at birth.
However,
by age 50, downwardly mobile men were more than 3.5 times as likely to be depressed as downwardly mobile women, the researchers found. Men who fell to a lower socioeconomic class were about 4 times as likely to be depressed as men who remained in the same social class, the study concluded.
The findings
indicate that women may be more sensitive than men to low socioeconomic status when they're very young, but less so as they age, the researchers said.
They also
noted that service industries have grown while Britain's manufacturing base has declined. And because service
industries tend to employ more women than men, work in these sectors may affect men's role-identity and self esteem.
More information
The American College of Physicians has more about depression (www.doctorsforadults.com ).
internal & external factors in your life contribute to your likelihood
of experiencing depression.... consider the factors involved in your emotions, feelings, lifestyle factors,
and much more as you read over the possibilities on this page of "why" you're feeling depressed....
Researchers estimate
that at least 6 million men in the US suffer from a depressive disorder every year. Research and clinical evidence reveal that while both women and men can develop the standard symptoms of depression, they often experience depression differently and may have different ways of coping with the symptoms.
Men may be more willing
to acknowledge fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in work or hobbies and sleep disturbances rather than feelings of sadness, worthlessness and excessive guilt. Some researchers question whether the standard definition of depression and the diagnostic tests based upon it adequately capture the condition as it occurs in men.
"I'd drink and I'd just get numb. I'd get numb to try to numb my head. I mean, we're talking many, many beers to get to that state where you could shut your head off, but then you wake
up the next day and it's still there. Because you have to deal with it, it doesn't just go away. It isn't a two hour movie
and then at the end it goes 'The End' and you press off. I mean it's a 24 hour a day movie and you're thinking there is no end. It's horrible."
-Patrick McCathern, First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired
Men are more likely
than women to report alcohol and drug abuse or dependence in their lifetime; however, there's debate among researchers as to whether substance use is a "symptom" of underlying depression in men, or a co-occurring condition that more commonly develops in men.
counselling with men Most men, even male therapists, have a lot to learn before they can mix with women on a non-oppressive basis
in psychotherapy and the wider world, says John Rowan
"When I was feeling depressed I was very reckless w/my life. I didn't care about how I drove, I didn't care about walking across the street carefully, I didn't care about dangerous parts of the city. I wouldn't be affected by any kinds of warnings on travel or places to go. I didn't care. I didn't care whether I lived or died & so I was going to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And when you take those kinds of
chances, you have a greater likelihood of dying."
-Bill Maruyama, Lawyer
4 times as many men
as women die by suicide in the US, even though women make more suicide attempts during their lives. In addition to the fact that the methods men use to attempt suicide are generally more lethal than those methods used by women, there may be other issues that protect women against suicide death. In light of research indicating that suicide is often associated with depression, the alarming suicide rate among men may reflect the fact that men are less likely to seek treatment for depression.
Many men with depression don't obtain adequate diagnosis and treatment, which may be life saving.
A thorough diagnosis is needed if 5 or more of the symptoms of depression or mania persist for more than 2 weeks, or are interfering w/work or family life. A good diagnosis involves a complete physical checkup
& a review of family history of health problems.
Most People Can Be Helped Quickly
Depression w/Other Illnesses: Depression often co-occurs with medical, psychiatric & substance abuse disorders, though it is frequently unrecognized & untreated. This can lead to unnecessary suffering since depression is usually treatable, even when it co-occurs w/other disorders.
Individuals or family members
w/concerns about the co-occurrence of depression w/another illness should discuss these issues w/the physician.
With available treatment, 80% of the people w/serious depression, even those with the most severe forms, can improve significantly. Symptoms can be relieved, usually in a matter of weeks.
There are effective medications & psychotherapies (talk therapies) treatments that often are used in combination. In severe depression, medication is usually required.
A number of short-term talk therapies to treat clinical depression have been developed in recent years.
Several types of medications are available, none of them habit-forming.
People w/severe depression respond more rapidly & more consistently to medication. Those with recurring depression, including bipolar disorder, may need to stay on medication to prevent or lessen further episodes.
Many patients need psychotherapy to deal with the psychological or interpersonal problems often associated w/their illness.
Other biological treatments can be helpful. For example, electroconvulsive
treatment (ECT) is a safe & often effective treatment for the most severe depression. Research is also being done on the use of light for the treatment of depression.
Early intervention may lessen severity of symptoms & shorten
the episode. Individuals respond differently to treatment. If after several weeks symptoms have not improved, the treatment
plan should be reevaluated.
Individuals respond differently to treatments. If after several weeks symptoms have not improved, the treatment plan
should be discussed with the doctor.
When diagnosed early in the course of the
illness, depressed people usually can be treated on an outpatient basis and improve productivity, avoid lost work time and reduce high costs for:
Prolonged treatment
Hospitalization
Treatment of other physical and mental disorders resulting
from untreated depression
Evaluation and Treatment Can Be Received From:
Physicians
Mental health specialists
Employee assistance programs (EAPs)
Health maintenance organizations
Community mental health centers
Hospital departments of psychiatry or outpatient psychiatric
clinics
University- or medical school-affiliated programs
State hospital outpatient clinics
Family service/social agencies
Private clinics and facilities
In addition to treatment, joining a support group may be helpful
Men's
Symptoms, Fears & Struggles -Are you wondering
if you're experiencing a mental illness ?
"I was being told to relax & I did not like that. To top it off, the doctor (correctly) assumed that I did
not know "how" to relax.
"He provided a reference so I
could learn. The novelty of this drugless approach is what persuaded me to try it. It worked; the pain went away. For the first time in my life I had a
prescription filled not at the drugstore, but at the bookstore. "
"Typical," I thought...for a man, but this remark is being made by a women... DoctorYourself.com by Dr.
Andrew Saul is a great website. Looking for information about men & their individuality in mental illnesses, I came upon
these comments from Dr. Saul (above & below) Perhaps some men out there can identify
and relate to his thinking.
"While studying at the nearby Canberra Hospital, I learned other stress reduction techniques such as imaging, self-hypnosis, & auto-relaxation from as many staff & consulting psychiatrists as I could locate.
Many people I knew & respected began Transcendental Meditation, w/evident beneficial results." Treatment of anxiety
& tension without drugs?
In determining if you are experiencing
anxiety disorders or depression,think about if you have recently begun to experience problems when you are in public, such as:
The
fear being so severe that it interferes w/work or school, & other ordinary activities
Recognizing
the fear of being around people may be excessive or unreasonable, but you can't overcome it
Excessive
worry for days or weeks in advance of a dreaded imminent public situation
A fear of speaking in formal or informal situations
Fears about eating, drinking, or writing in front of others
In the
most severe form, your fears appear to be so broad that you experience symptoms almost anytime they are around other people
Blushing, profuse sweating,
trembling, nausea & difficulty talking in public situations
Painfully
embarrassed by these symptoms & feel as though all eyes are focused on you ????
what i've learned as a wife, mother & human being in my much
experienced lifetime... kathleen howe
I can really understand why men feel "left out" of the loop concerning their relationships with women during their lifetime. After all, most likely
it was a woman who raised you - a woman who was most likely - dealing with her own issues in one way or another - & not
aware that "her issues" would ever bear weight upon your own personality & understanding of life.
While quite often, boys are closer to Mom than they are with their dads.... it's the dad they're wishing & secretly hoping for - to bond solidly with & share those "boy things" while growing up. Boys are lost in the wilderness of life, wondering
what it was they did, that would make their dad so angry, so distant or so aloof with them. And that's if there's a dad in
the picture.
Sometimes, dad isn't around while boys are growing up. I've experienced
this situation in my own life. First thru divorce - when I remarried my new husband wanted to move 1800 miles away from my
ex-husband. While we didn't have "boys," we shared two daughters instead, it was still causing the dilemma of an "absent
father" for my daughters. My ex-husband was livid with me for moving them from Florida to Michigan. I think he actually hated
me for doing it.
And then there's the many boys who are growing up without fathers because
of the "evils of the world," domestic violence, crime & abandonment; which is the case with my second son. He's thirteen
now. I'm remarried now, but when I see my son trying to figure out how he's like his birth father & process the information
he knows about his birth father - who lives far away from us & is an abusive person - he knows he can't get to know
him because he was a violent person. It's heart-breaking, but true.
I wonder sometimes if my son's anger problems are because he is trying
to "be like" what he knows of his birth father. But then again, he might just be angry that he can't get to know his
"real father." He feels helpless about it all & very frustrated.
But, in our case, there's a step father involved. Some of you guys might
be step fathers. My son has tried so hard to establish a relationship with my husband. He needs & wants a father
in his life to share those "boy things" with. It's been a difficult road for the two of them, but they're beginning to
accept each other for who each of them are - and they're becoming "buds."
I believe that it's so important for you guys out there to get real honest with yourselves & look back at your years growing up. What was your relationship like with your own dad? Did you bond
with him, have an honest, loving & authentic relationship with your dad or were you always secretly wishing & hoping for that relationship to evolve?
How did you feel as a child growing up? Was your dad always
working, sometimes unthinking & non-responsive to your requests for attention? Was your father abusive? Was your father absent? How did that make you feel? If you had a negative experience with your father - have you ever processed the emotions & feelings that you experienced as a child?
If you did experience a "negative relationship" with your dad, are you following in his footsteps by relating to your own son in the only way you know how
- like your father did with you? I've heard so many men say - "I don't ever want to be like my father was when I was growing
up." Is that how you feel? While men feel that they want to avoid their own father's mistakes, it's most likely that they'll end up following in his footsteps - acting much the same way their
father did - without even realizing they're doing it. It's true guys... think about it.
If you have buried emotions & feelings about your father from childhood, it's time to recall them... bring them up to the surface & explore them. Processing
these emotions & feelings will allow you to get more "real" in your life now. It will allow you to be more aware of what's going on in your present life - with your wife, with your children, with your family & your friends. Getting
out the hurt you've experienced, processing it & making it go away is one of your jobs as a man, that you must undertake. It's
your responsibility towards yourself first - & then your family.
Then there are those men who have daughters.... My own daughter,
my oldest daughter in fact, has said to me, "Mom, please don't let this hurt your feelings, but you know I love dad, more
than I ever loved you." She's 27 now & still feels that way.
It's a statement that has taken me some time to process.
But I love her with all of my heart so I've processed it completely. I understand it. I am fine with it. I know she doesn't
know what it means although I do.
She has always been - her father's
little girl - until she graduate from college that is...... Are you a father who adored your daughter so much
that you'd give her all the things she asked for?
Did you get the nickname, "Daddy
Moneybags" while she was growing up? Did you give her a dollar when she was two or three simply because she wanted
it? Did you give her a twenty dollar bill when she was a teenager, going to the movies with her friends - every time she asked
for it? And while she was in college - did you pay for all of her expenses not wanting her to struggle with work & her
studies?
Did you pay for that trip she wanted to take - to Europe - for her summer break? Have you paid for her car, gas & all of her car expenses? Did it always
"feel good" to be able to give her that money? Did it make you feel like a good father? Is that what your father did with
your sisters, if you had them?
I believe that when a "daddy" gives his daughter every monetary request made, that he's doing his daughter a huge disservice.
In my own daughter's case, at 27 years old, single & struggling, I
believe her father is resentful now when as an adult - his daughter continues to ask & expect him to assist her with her finances.
I believe he gets angry about it. In her case, when she graduated from the University of Florida, he told her that her "Daddy Moneybags" no longer existed. He told her that he had "done his job" as a father & now as a college
graduate - she was "on her own!"
It hasn't gone over very well.
She would be fine with it if, he'd
replaced those dollars with loving kindness, supportive advice, and consistent unconditional love. He never was very good
at that though. How about you? Are you in the same boat? Has your yacht sailed in & you still have a struggling, pathetic,
loser for a daughter? Do you resent the fact that she is always complaining about life & asking for help with her finances?
Do you wonder why she isn't happy?
Think about it Dads.... How would you feel if suddenly your daughter said to you, "Dad, all I want from you now is your unconditional
love, support & kindness. I need your respect, admiration & a solid relationship." Would you know how to give that
to her? Would you be angry because you don't think you can give that to her? Do you feel she's being clingy, dependent &
selfish?
Why in the world would she be that way?
As a Dad, how have you taught your children what marriage
is about? How have you modeled a marriage relationship for your
children to follow? Whether you have boys, girls or both - how have you shown your children that you love your wife, their
mother - and how to follow in your footsteps as a good spouse, parent, friend and lover?
Have you taken the time to think back at how your own Dad treated your mother?
Have you taught your children that your marriage has been important to you? Have you always treated your wife with respect, admiration & unconditional
love?
How about your career? Did that come first no matter what
- or did your relationship with your wife & children come first? I'm curious about that. If you are experiencing problems
with your marriage - what have you done to resolve those problems?
Did you give up on your marriage? Did you cheat on your wife?
Did you travel all over the earth for your living? Did you ever consider that your actions speak louder than your words?
Have you ever taken the time to consider that when you are
walking your daughter down the aisle at her wedding that you haven't taught her the first important thing about how she should
treat her husband & be a good spouse, friend and lover to her husband? Many men don't ever think about these things.....
they never saw their own fathers thinking about these things - end result.... they have even more problems than they ever thought possible.
Are you happy with your life? Are you feeling pressured at work or at home? Do you feel alone although you live
in a house full of people? Do you feel that you've been disillusioned with what life is really about? Are you stressed, anxious
& exhausted? Do you feel fulfilled or unfulfilled with your life? Are you seriously miserable with every little thing
in your life?
It's not hard to figure our what's happening.
If you can just break out of your mold for a few short hours, screw your head on tightly &
rightly, and be honest with yourself - no matter how difficult & unpleasant that may be - you can change your whole life.
It's not hard to figure out why you're unhappy. I promise you.
If you're feeling like you've not met your goals in life, that
you're alone & frustrated, depressed & miserable, then perhaps you've lost sight of your dreams. Perhaps you
got caught up in the scheme of things... trying to do your job as a provider, it's not easy these days.... perhaps you forgot
how to have fun & laugh. Perhaps you've forgotten how much you love & care about your wife, your children... and most
importantly - perhaps you aren't sure that you like yourself ... ever thought of that?
Although it seems I'm talking only to married men, ask yourself....
am I happy with my life?
If you can answer that question with a profound & meaningful - "yes"
- then I can almost guarantee that you're not here reading my words!
You don't have to be married to get depressed, although it certainly seems that marriage always gets you there faster!
So what do you do with yourself? Men
are fixers - if something's wrong they fix it! They think about it, make a plan, follow the plan - end
result.... it's fixed! Same action is needed here, believe me.
It's just that easy. Sit down outside in nature for a short hour. Think backwards in time at how you were raised as a child.
What were your parents like? Did you experience any hurt or heart break? What were those hard times about? Did you feel unconditionally
loved? Did you trust your parents? How did you feel about yourself as a child? Did you feel confident & happy or was something
always missing in your life? Were you confused & lonely?
1. Come to some conclusions about your childhood. Every
little thing that I've talked about here today; consider those things. Just spend some time with yourself & think
about it all. Teach yourself to do relaxation breathing. Sit outside in some nature - alone - in quiet & ponder upon your
childhood. It's a good thing to do. Capture yourself as a child again. Get to know yourself as a child. Then when you feel
secure with what you've concluded about it all, get back to whatever you need to do. Just don't forget your conclusion.
2. Talk about whatever you have concluded with your wife, good trusted friend, or even your parent(s) or sibling(s). After you've unloaded, be quiet. Learn how to really
listen. Cover your mouth with your hand if you're tempted to talk, argue or debate. Just listen. That's all - when you feel
as though you've absorbed the feedback, then thank whoever you have chosen to talk to - for listening to you. Thank them for
offering feedback. Consider the feedback when you have some alone time. It's always good to be outside in nature with a quiet
mind when you are pondering important issues like this. Reflect, then write down how you feel about it. Write down your feelings
& emotions on a piece of paper. Do you know what to do with those emotions?
3. If you're having trouble with your thinking processes, click here & read about our thought processes. Then click here and read about your belief system. Learn more about it. Maybe something will click.
4. Learn about your unresolved emotions & feelings. Tackle
those unresolved emotions & feelings by reading more about them. If you've had trouble identifying your emotions &
feelings - click here - then click here - and read about emotions & feelings. Just when you thought you knew it all.... you'll learn something new!
5. When I was in your present situation, I did an exercise that really
helped me with visiting my childhood & trying to identify my unresolved feelings & emotions.... click here to see what I did & if you think it may be helpful for you - try it yourself!
6. Here are some links to some more very important information you must consider before making your plan to fix your problem.
7. Apply these principles to your life & to others around you. Make a plan to incorporate these principles into your life & follow that plan. It's okay to do it.
You'll feel better & maybe even get happy.
If you should have any questions about these principles or anything else - don't hesitate
to send me some mail....
I'm always here - thinking about you all out there!
Kathleen
men's issues....
what may be causing you emotional distress? self doubts? disturbing your lifestyle....
do you feel excluded as a parent? a spouse? part
of the family?
Wade Horn On Parenting Teenagers The President of the National Father Initiative tackles the Daddy of all
questions. By Dr. Wade Horn (04/11/01)
Question: I'm
having a hard time dealing with my 15-year-old daughter's behavior at home. She is doing great at school, but at home my wife
or I constantly have to remind her of what she needs to do. This includes her chores & things we think are common sense, such as putting her dishes in the kitchen sink after she is finished eating. She doesn't seem to take any
initiative at all.
Is this part of this age, or is this related to her intelligence?
Is there anything I can do to get her to be more cooperative around the house?
Answer:
Let's
see now. Your 17 year-old daughter has to be reminded to do chores and pick up after herself. Hmmm. Sounds to
me like you have a teenager in the house!
Being
a teenager isn't easy. At one moment, teens are testing limits and experimenting with independence. The next, they're seeking closeness and reassurance from their parents that they're valued members of the family. Adolescence also can be a time of great loneliness, yet a time of intense peer activity and expanding interpersonal relationships as well.
These behavioral contradictions are the result of the primary task
of the teenage years: to achieve a sense of personal identity separate from their parents. This "search for identity," as
noted psychologist Erik Erikson called it, is a struggle to know who they are, what they believe in and what they want to accomplish in life. The outcome of this search is neither easy nor certain. That's what makes being a teenager so challenging.
Making this struggle particularly pressing is
the knowledge that very soon they'll be leaving home and on their own. Despite the bravado of adolescence, deep down they're
more than just a little anxious about this on their own.
One way teens assert their independence is by being noncompliant around the home. In this respect, the teen years are really a more mature version of the terrible
twos. The reason that 2 and 3 year-olds can be so frustrating is that they assert their independence by saying "no" to everything. Teenagers often assert their independence through many silent "nos."
That doesn't
mean parents should simply sit back and accept noncompliant behavior from their teenagers. Far from it. But when dealing with teens it helps to have a little insight into
the reasons for their behavior.
The first ingredient for effectively parenting
of teenagers is being warm and affectionate. Parental warmth is important because it enhances a teenager's desire to be like his or her parents and to follow household rules. Parents who are warm and affectionate also are better able to use withdrawal of affection as a disciplinary technique instead of harsher discipline. So give your teen lots of hugs, compliments and expressions of
love.
Love, however, isn't enough. Parents of teens need to combine high warmth with limits. Parents of teens need to be ready, willing and able to set clear limits and apply consequences when those limits are breached.
A key to effective limit setting is giving clear commands. Instead of saying, "It would be nice if you could
help out around the house a little," say, "I want you to pick up the living room before 8 p.m. or else no TV this evening."
Clearly state what you want your teen to do and the consequence for not doing what you have asked.
Another good guide is to use "grandma's rule" which says,
"First you do what I want you to do and then you get to do what you want to do." You might say, for example, "First you must
clean your room and then you can watch TV," or "First you must do the dishes and then you can talk on the phone."
In giving commands and setting limits, it's important to be firm. Your teenager may whine and complain about your instruction or limit; she even may say you're the meanest, rottenest parent in the whole wide world. Don't you believe it, not even for a second. Research consistently shows that parents who set and enforce reasonable limits raise more self-competent, self-confident and well-behaved teens than those who don't.
Finally, you need to be consistent. No matter whether you're tired, frustrated at work or angry with your spouse, you still have to demonstrate your love for your teen and set firm and consistentlimits. When parents aren't consistent, their teenagers are more likely to engage in aggressive and non-compliant behavior.
There you have it. The 3 cardinal rules for parenting teens:
If you do these 3 things,
it's very likely your daughter's behavior will improve. Not to the point where she'll be running around the house cheerfully
helping you vacuum and do the dishes, but she'll be more motivated to do as you ask the first time you ask.
As
for your daughter's intelligence level, I don't think that has anything to do with anything. She's intelligent enough to be doing great in school, so she's intelligent enough
to do what you ask at home when you ask her to do it. She's just being a teenager. And like teenagers everywhere, what she
needs is loving, firm and consistent parenting.
when eating becomes "out of control" because of your mental health - (emotional
eating can spur escalating weight gains & depression over weight gain can cause apathy & lack of exercise) you may be opening yourself up for more than mental illness - your physical health can suffer as well...
where does this factor in on your stress levels when you have this subliminal thinking all day of how miserable you're feeling because of out of control eating & weight
gain?
Obese men progressed faster to disease recurrence, study found
SATURDAY, Oct. 1 (HealthDay
News) -- A man's weight when he's diagnosed with prostate cancer, along with his history of weight gain, may play a key role in
his prognosis, researchers report.
The study of 526 prostate
cancer patients found that those who were obese (body mass indexof 30 or more)
when diagnosed were more likely to experience what the researchers call "biochemical failure" than patients who weren't obese.
Biochemical failure -- a rising level of prostate specific antigen (PSA) in the blood - can indicate that cancer is advancing.
After surgery, a patient's
PSA should go back to being undetectable, but if it begins to rise, that's an indicator of progression," explained researcher
Sara Strom, an associate professor of epidemiology at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.
The study also found that
patients who were obese at age 40 had an even higher rate of biochemical failure.
Men experiencing the greatest rate
of weight gain between age 25 & the time of their prostate cancer diagnosis experienced disease progression much
sooner (average of 17 months) than men who gained weight more slowly (average of 39 months).
The study appears in the Oct. 1 issue of Clinical Cancer
Research.
The findings suggest that
a history of body weight could be factored in when oncologists design treatments plans for newly diagnosed prostate cancer
patients, the researchers said. The results also suggest that diet & exercise may be effective in reducing the risk of prostate cancer progression.
More information
The American Cancer Society has more about prostate cancer (www.cancer.org ).
Mental Illness & Your Relationships....
Emotions & feelings driving you crazy enough to make you quit having any relationships? Things not going well w/your significant other? Check
out a few of these articles that may shed some light on what's been recognized by the experts as problems many people are having, you might not feel so alone!
Dating advice from the experts about how to find Mr. or Ms.
Right.
By Jeanie Lerche Davis WebMD Feature
Your parents did it.
Hitchhikers, rocket scientists, even nuns probably do it, at least once. The topic is dating & the custom is as old as
Adam & Eve.
Dating is the path to love & that path, as we know, can be a minefield.
We date & we
date, but we don't find Mr. or Ms. Right. In fact, we may find someone a lot scarier.
There's serious stuff
out there, like HIV & STD's, date rape, online stalkers. Then there are other dangers -- boredom, disillusionment, getting dumped, or simply getting taken. Two love experts offer their dating advice:
Danger: Blinded
by Chemistry
Face it; finding
a great mate takes some research. "You're going to go thru a lot of people, until you find someone where there's some kinetic
thing, some magnetism, some desire to know more," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a sociologist at the University of Washington in Seattle.
"You're looking for a
connection, someone you're physically attracted to - who's physically attracted to you - plus someone who doesn't make you feel bored from the get-go," Schwartz tells WebMD.
Chemistry, mutual
interests -- that's all great. "But don't let the love bug mesmerize you," says Paul Falzone, author of the book, Find
the Right One and CEO of "The Right One" & "Together," two nationwide dating services.
Falzone tells a
story of a North Carolina woman who fell "totally in love" w/a Massachusetts man she met online. 6 months later, they met. Eventually, he encouraged her to sell her house, pack everything into a truck & prepare herself & her 2 young children for a new life. Then
comes the email saying, "I can't go thru w/this. I'm sorry, I'm dishonest, I'm married."
"You have to be
very careful," Falzone tells WebMD. "Especially when children are involved, you want to make sure you're doing the right thing." In fact,
he advises hiring a private investigator when getting involved w/someone new. "People are naïve, they'll trust anybody. Then after they're snookered, they feel so silly, so embarrassed about what happened."
His dating advice:
"You can't change the spots on a leopard."
A date isn't a
therapy session; don't ramble about lost loves or your personal problems too much, Falzone says.
At the beginning,
your dates don't need to know about your insecurities, your dead-end job, your failed relationships, he says. It's one thing to show depth of character, but revealing inner demons can be a turn-off. Keep the conversation
lively & fun & slowly reveal the real you.
If you look back fondly
on a past relationship, the message comes across that you're not over it -- causing your new romantic interest to feel threatened, jealous, or insecure, says Falzone.
Showing bitterness over a breakup can make your date wonder if you badmouth all former flames. Sure, you need to bring up past relationships
at some point. But too much too soon can lead to trouble.
Danger: Getting
Cynical
Sure, dating can
be frustrating, even disillusioning. But don't let it get you down. If you're feeling negative, you'll scare off the good ones. Get out, meet people & be open to new people & new experiences. You'll meet someone. After all, dating is a process of elimination -- you just haven't
met the right one yet.
"I think some people are much more rigid or sure about what they want," says Schwartz. "They don't want to make the same stupid
mistakes. But feeling jaded, that's a self-invented problem.
There are many good people out there. If you have a 50-item list of criteria, if you're too specific about what you want,
too rigid, you're going to find yourself alone forever."
Her dating advice:
Look beyond the bald head & other imperfections. "Have an open, optimistic mind. You've got to have enthusiasm, imagination. I know a 50-year-old woman who thought she wanted an intellectual. But she met a cowboy & is having a great
time! When people say they're cynical, jaded, they're
really scared of having to change a little bit."
Danger: Is
It Date Rape?
Here's the really serious stuff -- a woman is vulnerable to rape in her own home, or even if she voluntarily goes to someone else's home. Even if she consents to some
activity, that doesn't imply consent for all sexual activity.
When a woman says,
"No" or "Stop" that means STOP. Even if alcohol or drugs are involved, even if she doesn't put up a fight - even if she's
a former girlfriend - it's rape if she says, "No."
You can't be too careful; date-rape drugs such as GHB, Rohypnol, or Ketamine can render a victim unconscious & w/limited memory. Using these drugs is a federal crime that carries a possible 20-year sentence.
A few rules:
Don't accept open drinks, whether they're alcoholic or not, from someone you don't trust.
At parties, accept only drinks that come in closed containers. Never leave your drink unattended or turn your back on your table.
Don't drink from punch bowls, pitchers, or tubs.
Another idea: Carry
a Drink Safe date rape drug test" package of drink testing strips or coasters in your purse or pocket. These act like litmus
paper, changing color when they've been laced w/a date-rape drug.
Danger: Equal-Opportunity
STD's
Here's another reality
check: sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are incredibly common in the U.S. - even if your social circle is affluent
& educated. The most common STDs are: Chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts caused by human papillomavirus (HPV) &
HIV/AIDS.
To reduce risk,
use a condom every time you have sex. Ask your partner if he or she has ever had an STD - even if the question feels awkward. Limit your number of sexual partners. Don't have sex w/someone who has sores on his or her genitals. Don't receive oral sex from
somebody w/a cold sore. Ask your partner to be tested. Try alternate forms of sexual intimacy.
Danger: Meeting
Online
The anonymity of
Internet dating has obvious hazards. If you're looking for love, your contact may be looking for just a quickie. Establish upfront what you're really searching for. Talk on the phone first,
then arrange a brief meeting in a public place - for coffee, lunch, or maybe a drink.
Dating advice:
Take your cell phone w/you. Let someone know where you're going, who you'll be meeting. Arrange to call your friend at a specific
time. Park in a well-lit place. When the first date ends, don't let them walk you to your car. You don't want them to know
your license plate.
Schwartz is relationship
counselor for Perfectmatch.com. "I've used all the dating services ... I think online dating is great, absolutely the best thing of the 21st century. I've met some very special people."
Beyond people shaving
a few years off their age, "I've never met anybody online who lied," she tells WebMD. "As long as they haven't said they're
40 & they're really 60. But I've never met anyone totally different than they present themselves."
But if someone
lies about his or her weight - lies to the extreme, that is - that's what people really get upset about, "It's very unwise
for women to substantially stretch their weight. If you're a size 14 or more, it's not fair. Just say, 'I'm heavy but still think I look great. You be the judge,'" Schwartz says.
Be realistic, says Falzone. "Keep the relationship casual in the early stages & let it evolve at its own pace. It takes time to build
a quality relationship & the job can't be rushed."
Maybe it's time
to look at your criteria, says Schwartz. "It's not that bad out there. Maybe you're not choosing well. If you're going out
just to be nice, that's not smart. The cost is repeated disappointment. It will ultimately undermine your sense of well-being & optimism."
Guys, are you going
after women who are wrong for you, too beautiful & full of themselves or are they too professional & you need someone more nurturing? "You have to figure it out," Schwartz advises. "There are too many good people out there for them
all to be wrong for you."
A smart friend can help:
"Tell me honestly what you think I'm doing wrong here." Listen & then take their advice. "Or if you think it's deeper, you're being dysfunctional, maybe you need to get to a therapist," she says.
"I've never had
trouble finding a guy," Schwartz tells WebMD. "It's because I really like people. I don't get bummed out if this one isn't
right for me. I know the kind of spark I want. And I don't think it's a mistake if it doesn't work out."
Last bit of dating advice:
Keep a good attitude about your past. When people get divorced, they forget the good stuff about that relationship & it undermines their confidence, she says. "It's all about attitude. You have to feel proud of yourself, feel good about yourself, happy to meet people. If you think they all have to be the love of your life, you're going to be unhappy."
while loving support from your spouse may be beneficial to your blood pressure, "what if" your relationship
with your spouse is lacking that "loving support" you so desperately need? could this be a factor in your escalating depression
& anxiety?
When Job Ups Blood Pressure, Spouse Can Help
Loving support helps beat stress-linked hypertension, study finds
The year-long study of 216
men & women found that a combination of job stress & lack of spousal support was associated with an increase of 2.8 mm Hg in systolic blood pressure.
However, study volunteers
who experienced job stress but had a supportive spouse showed a decrease in their hypertension of 2.5 mm Hg in systolic blood pressure.
Spousal support means talking things over on a daily basis & it's a key component of what the researchers called "marital cohesion," researcher Dr. Sheldon Tobe, assistant professor of medicine, University of Toronto, said
in a prepared statement. "Did partners talk about their daily activities? Did one partner pay attention & sympathize when the significant other had a stressful day? Did the partners spend time together?"
Tobe said that people with
high job stress &/or low marital cohesion should see their family doctor for a blood pressure check. He also advised people to get their
blood pressure checked if they're in a formerly harmonious relationship that's deteriorated.
"The medical model of healthcare
doesn't include job strain, but stress at work & at home can modify the health of patients," Tobe said.
The findings were presented
Saturday at the American Heart Association's annual fall High Blood Pressure Research meeting in Washington, D.C.
More Information
The American Academy of Family Physicians has more about stress (familydoctor.org ).
kids can be wonderful, but they can also add to your stress levels, depressed state & what's a dad to
do, when the discipline seems to always be left up to him?
Discipline And The Single Dad It was tough when you were a couple. It's even more challenging - and important now. By
Armin Brott (5/21/01) At one time or another, all parents struggle with discipline - establishing & enforcing limits & getting their kids to speak to them respectfully & do what they're supposed to do. For exhausted single parents anything other than putting food on the table & clothes
in the closet may seem like too much trouble.
But discipline is extremely important, particularly to the single parent. Don't push it down the list of priorities. If you feel yourself lapsing into leniency,
becoming stricter, or just plain inconsistent, here's how to stop.
* Be consistent. Not only on a day-to-day
basis right now, but consistent with the way you & your ex used to do things before you became a single dad. In addition,
try to work w/her to come up with a discipline plan that'sconsistent between homes & agree to back each other up on how you'll enforce limits. If you can't, you'll have to be firm in telling your kids that, "in your mom's house you follow her rules, but in this house,
you'll have to follow mine."
*
Establish & enforce reasonable limits. No child will ever admit it, but the truth is that he needs to know who's boss & he needs that person to be you. Setting your expectations too high, though, can also be a problem, frustrating your kids & making them feel bad or inadequate when they can't comply.
* Link consequences directly to the
behavior. "I'm taking away your hammer because you hit me with it," or "Since you didn't get home by your curfew,
you can't go out with your friends tonight."
* Chose your battles. Some
issues, those that involve health & safety, for example - are non-negotiable. Others don't really matter. Does it really make a difference if your child wants to wear
a red sock & an argyle one instead of a matched pair?
*
Give limited choices. Something like "Either you stop talking to me that way right now or go to your room" can be very
effective. Give kids a chance to regroup though. Their egos are very vulnerable.
* Encourage your kids to be independent. "When parents do too much for children, to 'make up' for the fact that they have only one parent, the
children don't have a chance to develop responsibility, initiative & new skills," writes Jane Nelsen, co-author of Positive Discipline for Single Parents. But don't go too
far here. Your kids still need structure.
* Understand your child's behavior. According
to Nelsen, kids misbehave for one or more of the following reasons:
- they want attention
- they want to be
in control
- they want to get back at you for something you did
- they're frustrated & they just want to
give up & be left alone
Trying to punish a child without understanding why she's
doing what she's doing is a little like taking cough syrup for emphysema:
the thing that's bugging you goes away for a while, but the underlying problem remains
& keeps getting worse with time.
The most direct way to solve this is to simply ask your child, in many case
she'll tell you. If she won't tell you or doesn't have the vocabulary to do so, make an educated guess ("Are you writing on the walls because you want me to spend more time with you?").
* Don't worry. Unless the limits you set are completely insane, your child will not stop loving you for enforcing them.
Armin Brott, the father of two daughters, lives in the Bay Area. A frequent
magazine contributor, he is the author of The Expectant Father and The New Father (both from Abbeville). You can find him
at Armin@MrDad.com
The first reaction
upon hearing about the topic of battered men, for many people, is that of incredulity. Battered husbands are a topic for jokes
(such as the cartoon image of a woman chasing her husband with a rolling-pin). One researcher
noted that wives were the perpetrators in 73% of the depictions of domestic violence in newspaper comics (Saenger 1963).
Battered husbands
have historically been either ignored or subjected to ridicule & abuse. In 18th-century France, a battered husband "was made to wear an outlandish outfit & ride backwards around the village
on a donkey" (Steinmetz & Lucca 1988).
Even those of us who
like to consider ourselves liberated & open-minded often have a difficult time even imagining that husband battering could take place. Although feminism has opened many of
our eyes about the existance of domestic violence & newspaper reports often include incidents of abuse of wives, the abuse of husbands is a rarely discussed phenomenon.
One reason researchers
& others hadn't chosen to investigate husband battering is because it was thought to be a fairly rare occurrence. Police reports seemed to bear this out (Steinmetz 1977),
w/in some cases a ratio of 12 to 14.5 female victims to every 1 male victim.
But another reason
is that because women were seen as weaker & more helpless than men due to sex roles & men on the other hand were seen as more sturdy & self-reliant, the study of abused husbands seemed relatively unimportant.
Research begins to show the reality
In 1974, a study was done which compared
male & female domestic violence. In that study, it was found that 47% of husbands had used physical violence on their
wives & 33% of wives had used violence on their husbands (Gelles 1974). Half of the
respondents in this study were selected from either cases of domestic violence reported to the police, or those identified
by the social service agency.
Also in 1974, a study was
released showing that the number of murders of women by men (17.5% of total homicides) was
about the same as the number of murders of men by women (16.4% of total homicides). This
study (Curtis 1974), however, showed that men were 3 times as likely to assault women as
vice-versa. These statistics came from police records.
[The murder statistic was no big news, by the way. In 1958,
an investigation of spousal homicide between 1948 & 1952 found that 7.8% of murder victims were husbands murdered by wives,
& 8% were wives murdered by husbands (Wolfgang 1958). More recently, in a study of spousal homicide in the period from
1976 to 1985, it was found that there was an overall ratio of 1.3:1.0 of murdered wives to murdered husbands, & that "Black
husbands were at greater risk of spouse homicide victimization than Black wives or White spouses of either sex" (Mercy & Saltzman 1989)]
The subject of husband-battering
had finally been addressed, but not to the great satisfaction of anyone. Although it had finally been shown that there was violence being perpetrated both by wives & husbands, there
was no information about relative frequency or severity, or who initiated the abuse & who was acting in self defense. Furthermore, some researchers became concerned that the use of police or social services
references in choosing subjects to study might be biasing the results.
In short, they recognized
that battered husbands might be nearly invisible next to their female counterparts.
In 1976, for instance, in a critique of the Curtis report (which found women less
likely to assault, but as likely to murder, as men), Wilt & Bannon wrote that "nonfatal violence committed by women
against men is less likely to be reported to the police than is violence by men against women; thus, women assaulters who
come to the attention of the police are likely to be those who have produced a fatal result."
Steinmetz uncovers some suprises
In 1977, Suzanne Steinmetz
released results from several studies showing that the percentage of wives who have used physical violence is higher than
the percentage of husbands & that the wives' average violence score tended to be higher, although men were somewhat more
likely to cause greater injury.
She also found that women
were as likely as men to initiate physical violence & that they had similar motives for their violent acts (Steinmetz 1977-78).
Steinmetz concluded that "the
most unreported crime isn't wife beating - it's husband beating" (Langley & Levy 1977).
In 1979, a telephone survey
was conducted in which subjects were asked about their experiences of domestic violence (Nisonoff & Bitman 1979). 15.5% of the men and 11.3% of the women reported having hit
their spouse; 18.6% of the men & 12.7% of the women reported having been hit by their spouse.
In 1980, a team of researchers,
including Steinmetz, attempted to address some concerns about the earlier surveys (Straus, Gelles & Steinmetz, 1980). They created a nationally
representative study of family violence & found that the total violence scores seemed to be about even between husbands
& wives & that wives tended to be more abusive in almost all categories except pushing & shoving.
Strauss & Gelles did a
followup survey in 1985, comparing their data to a 1975 survey (Strauss & Gelles 1986).
They found that in that decade, domestic violence against women dropped from 12.1% of women to 11.3% while domestic violence against men rose from 11.6% to 12.1%.
The rate of severely violent
incidents dropped for both groups: From 3.8% to 3.0% of women victimized & from 4.6% to 4.4% for men.
In 1986, a report appeared
in Social Work, the journal of the National Association of Social Workers (Nov./Dec. 1986)
on violence in adolescent dating relationships, in which it was found that girls were violent more frequently than boys.
Another report on premarital
violence (O'Leary, et al) found that 34% of the males & 40% of the females reported
engaging in some form of physical aggression against their mates in a year. 17% of women & 7% of men reported engaging in severe physical aggression. 35% of the men & 30% of the women reported having been abused.
Also in 1986, Marriage &
Divorce Today, a newsletter for family therapy practitioners, reported on a study done by Pillemer & Finkelhor of the
Family Violence Research Laboratory of the University of New Hampshire.
The study, based on interviews
of over 2000 elderly persons in the Boston metropolitan area, found that 3.2% of the elderly had been abused. 52% of the abuse victims were men.
The idea of women being violent
is a hard thing for many people to believe. It goes against the stereotype of the passive & helpless female. This, in spite of the fact that women are known to be more likely than men to commit child abuse & child murder. Daly & Wilson 1988 report 54% of parent-child murders where the child is under 17 were committed
by the mother in Canada between 1974 & 1983, for instance.
The Statistical Abstract of the US
1987 reports that of reported child maltreatment cases between 1980 & 1984 between 57.0% & 61.4% of these were
perpetrated by the mother. Nagi 1977 found 53.1% of perpetrators were female, 21% male & 22.6% both. (Note that because
mothers tend to have more access to children than do fathers that these results should not be interpreted to mean that were
things equal, women would still commit more abuse).
In addition, a study in a
doctoral dissertation by psychologist Vallerie Coleman of 90 lesbian couples, showed that 46% had experienced repeated violent
incidents (Garcia, 1991).
Results like these are greeted
w/great suspicion by those who see domestic violence as a political issue to be exploited rather than a social problem to be solved.
Studies of women who murder
Coramae Mann, a criminologist at Indiana University, studied the case
records of all murders committed by women between 1979 & 1983 in 6 major U.S. cities. Her findings contradicted commonly-held
ideas about women who murder &d she was criticized by some people for this.
"They'd raise the question,
'Well you have these poor battered women.' I said these weren't poor battered women. Many already had violent criminal records.
They weren't weak or dependent. They were angry."
Strauss & Gelles commented
in their 1986 report that "violence by wives hasn't been an object of public concern... In fact, our 1975 study was criticized for presenting statistics on violence by wives."
Yet domestic violence is an
issue framed in the media & in the political arena as one of male perpetrators & female victims. Violence in gay &
lesbian relationships is rarely discussed & violence against men in heterosexual relationships less so.
Battered men wonder where to turn
When it's addressed, there's
a response. When I became the caretaker of a memorial fund for a male victim of domestic violence, I unexpectedly took on the role of counselor for men calling from all over the country to talk to me at length about their
or their father's victimization.
When the subject of battered husbands was raised on British television & the London Times did an article on the subject, hundreds of calls came in from male
victims to a special helpline set up by a Women's Aid group (Rooke 1991).
The terms "wife beating" & "battered women" have become political expressions, rather
than descriptions of reality. And because the issue of domestic violence has been substantially taken out of the arena of serious sociological study & thrust into the political arena, the definitions
of spousal abuse & the proposed remedies to spousal abuse, will be political ones -- not necessarily ones which reflect the reality of the existing problems.
In a book on domestic violence,
Roger Langley & Richard C. Levy conclude a chapter on battered husbands by saying, "Husband abuse shouldn't be viewed as merely the opposite side of the coin to wife abuse. Both are part of the same problem, which should be described as one person abusing another person.
The problem must be faced
& dealt w/not in terms of sex but in terms of humanity" (Langley & Levy 1977, p. 208).
Ironically the book in which this quote appears is entitled "Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis."
Laws favor female victims
Legislation about domestic violence is always orientated toward the female victim. i.e., in 1991, Senator Joseph Biden again
introduced the "Violence Against Women Act" which at this writing has passed the senate Judiciary Committee. It has a section
called "Safe homes for Women" which specifically allocates funds to "women's" shelters (Biden 1991, also see
Boxer 1990).
Also note actions like that
of Ohio governor Richard F. Celeste who granted clemency to 25 women who were in prison for murdering their husbands. The
reason he gave for this was the "Battered Woman Syndrome" which, obviously, no man can claim as his defense (Wilkerson 1990).
There's very little concern shown either for the idea of making spousal abuse a capital crime w/the victim as extra-judicial executioner, nor for the idea that perhaps some of the men who murder their
spouses might be suffering from an analogous "Battered Man Syndrome."
A frightening case from Ohio
There is only one case I am aware of in which a man was able to use a similar defense. Warren Farrell
writes about it in his book Why Men Are the Way They Are buy on-line (Farrell 1986, p. 231):
Betty King had beaten, slashed, stabbed, thrown dry acid on,
and shot her husband. Eddie King had not sought prosecution when she slashed his face with a carpet knife, nor when she left
him in a parking lot with a blade in his back. Neither of these incidents even made the police records as statistics. She
was only arrested twice -- when she stabbed him so severely in the back and so publicly (in a bar) that the incidents had
to be reported.
All these stabbings, shootings, and acid-throwings happened
during a four-year marriage. During a subsequent shouting match on the porch of a friend's house, Betty King once again reached
into her purse. This time Eddie King shot her. When an investigation led to a verdict of self-defense, there was an outcry
of opposition from feminists and the media.
Farrell compares this case, in which "a two-second delay could
have meant his death," to that of the celebrated case made into the television movie The Burning Bed in which the protagonist
murdered her husband while he slept.
A serious problem
In conclusion, I think that the available data show that husband
battering is a serious problem, comparable to the problem of wife battering. Even if the statistics collected in the last
several years are completely wrong and only one in 14 victims of spousal abuse are men, these are men who are hurting and
need services that are currently not available.
There is such a strong stigma against being a battered man,
carried over from mideval times when the battered man was considered the guilty party, that special attention should be paid
to reaching out to these victims. Simply opening up "Women's Shelters" to men is not enough.
Perfectionism, anxiety & age at first period are all key, they say
FRIDAY, Sept. 23 (HealthDay
News)- An international team of researchers say they've identified six core traits possibly linked to genes associated with the eating disorders anorexia & bulimia nervosa.
"The research underscores
how critically important genetics are in the origins of eating disorders," lead researcher Dr. Cynthia M. Bulik, director of the Eating Disorders Program at the University of North Carolina's School
of Medicine, said in a prepared statement.
The researchers note that
individuals with a mother or sister affected by an eating disorder are 12 times more likely to develop a similar disorder themselves, compared to individuals with no such history.
Drawing on statistical analyses and expert opinion, the team define the six core traits as:
The findings,
which may help move researchers closer to identifying specific genes linked to these eating disorders, were published in two papers in the American Journal of Medical Genetics Part B.
The researchers
found that minimum BMI (a measure of weight), concern over mistakes, age at menarche and food-related obsessions seemed to be more closely linked with bulimia, while anxiety and obsessionality seemed more closely linked with anorexia.
This suggests
that, although the two disorders are closely related, they may have some underlying differences, the researchers noted.
They zeroed in on these six core traits after analyzing more than 100 behaviors
and personality traitsbelieved to be linked to anorexia and bulimia.
Experts
estimate that 10 million females and 1 million males are affected by either
anorexia or bulimia nationwide.
More information
The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health has more about eating disorders (www.nimh.nih.gov ).
if you're experiencing an eating disorder that commands you get up and eat in
the middle of the night, binging on food that is usually high in carbs... visit my website - night eating! you'll learn all about it there....
"As you get sick,
as you become drawn in more and more by depression, you lose that perspective. Events become more irritating, you get more frustrated about getting things done. You feel angrier, you feel sadder. Everything's magnified in an abnormal way."
Similarly, the loss of friends
and family and the onset of other health problems can trigger depression. Nevertheless, most elderly people feel satisfied with their lives and it isn't "normal" for older adults to feel depressed.
Depression is an illness that can be effectively treated, thereby decreasing unnecessary
suffering, improving the chances for recovery from other illnesses and prolonging productive life.
Also, it
may be difficult to discern a co-occurring depressive disorder in patients who present with other illnesses, such as heart
disease, stroke or cancer, which in themselves may cause depressive symptoms, or which may be treated with medications that have side effects resembling depression.
If a depressive illness is diagnosed, treatment with appropriate medication and/or brief psychotherapy can help older adults manage both diseases, thus enhancing survival and quality of life.
The importance of identifying and treating depression in older adults is stressed by the statistics on suicide among the elderly. There's a common perception that suicide rates are highest among the young; however, it's the elderly, particularly older white males
that have the highest rates.
Over
70% of older suicide victims have been to their primary care physician within the month of their death, many with a depressive illness that wasn't detected.
This has led to research efforts to determine how to best improve physicians' abilities to detect and treat depression in older adults.
Psychotherapy alone has been shown to prolong periods of good health free from depression and is particularly useful for older patients who can't or will not take medication.
America is in the midst of
an anger epidemic. From traffic jams to computer glitches to friends who don’t show up when they say they will, there’s
never been a shortage of things to get mad about. And now, fallout from the economic crisis -- lost jobs, shrunken nest eggs,
etc. -- seems to be amplifying our anger.
In a recent USA Today/Gallup poll, 53% of Americans said they were angry about the economy. In another poll, conducted recently by the American Psychological Association, 60% of Americans reported
feeling angry or irritable -- up from 50% in 2007 -- with eight out of 10 calling the economy a major cause of stress.
There’s nothing inherently
wrong with anger. Psychologists say it’s normal to feel angry when your well-being is threatened -- and that goes for your financial as well as emotional and physical well-being.
Although people differ in the way they express anger -- men may turn aggressive, women sad, and adolescents impulsive -- just about everyone gets angry from time to time, says David L. Kupfer, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Falls Church, Va. “I’ll bet the Dalai
Lama gets angry if his plane is delayed,” he says.
Anger can be a force for good, as when it encourages people to act against injustice. It can be a life guide of sorts, helping
steer you away from the situations and people you find noxious. And as we all know from high school biology, anger is a key
element of the lifesaving “fight or flight” response, in which we act quickly to repel attackers or flee them.
But chronic, intense anger is neither helpful nor healthy. It can cause problems in your personal relationships and at work; research has linked high levels of anger to heart attack,
stroke,
and premature death. “There is no question that anger that is chronic or poorly managed is bad for your health,” says Redford B. Williams, MD, director of the Behavioral
Medicine Research Center at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, N.C.
How do you avoid being a victim
of your own wrath? A generation ago, psychologists often advocated immediate, unfettered expressions of anger. “Letting it all hang out” was considered a good way to dissipate rage. But recent evidence suggests the contrary:
Rather than easing angry feelings, forcefully expressing them seems to intensify them. “Now we know the only thing cathartic expressions of
anger does is make you better at being angry,” Kupfer says.
There’s now widespread
agreement among anger experts that it’s better to evaluateangry feelings before acting on or even accepting them. Williams is a leading proponent of this view; he recommends asking yourself
four specific questions whenever you feel angry:
Is the situation or event that triggered my angerimportant? That is, is the thing that triggered my rage something that threatens my well-being?
Given the situation or event, is my angerappropriate? Faced with the same circumstances, would the average person get angry?
Is the situation modifiable? Is there something I can
do to change it for the better?
Is it worth it to try to modify the situation? That
is, is it worth my time and effort?
Most of the time you’ll
answer “no” to at least one question; if so, this is not one of those times when your anger is a sign that you should take some action. Better to distract yourself from your angryfeelings and get on with your day.
If you answer “yes”
to each question, you have a legitimate beef and should take action (but spend some time
brainstorming possible responses before doing anything). Often the best approach is to speak not aggressively
but assertively - not to swallow your ire but not to spit it out either. Explain your feelings as impassively as possible, and request a specific change in the other person’s behavior. For example, if you’re
mad because someone called you “dumb” for a remark you made, don’t simply say “Stop putting me down!”
Say, “You called me dumb. I feel hurt and angry. Please don’t use words like ‘dumb’ to describe me.”
This simple approach can go
a long way toward restoring your tranquility. “When you answer the four questions and either distract yourself or take
constructive action, you no longer feel quite as helpless about the situation,” Williams says. “As much as is
possible, you’re taking control, whether it’s of your own thoughts and feelings or the other person’s behavior. This can be a very powerful way to reduce the anger you feel.”
Research confirms the value
of Williams’ approach. In a recent study, heart patients were asked to describe a situation that had made them angry. Those who had received anger-management training experienced less anger and a lower surge in blood pressure than those who had not received the training.
Here’s what else you
can do to keep anger from turning toxic:
Take better care of yourself.
Often it’s possible to curb anger simply by cutting back on stimulants like caffeine and nicotine, which can shorten your emotional fuse. Getting more sleep
can also help. Ditto for. “I’ve found that anger is less of a problem for people who work out regularly - say running an hour a day,” says Karina Davidson, PhD,
a clinical health psychologist at Columbia University in New York City and president of the American Psychological Association’s
health psychology section.
Talk over your feelings. Having a heart-to-heart with a friend or family member can help you understand and overcome your
anger. “Hearing honest feedback from others can be a great way to understand and change our emotional responses,” Davidson
says. “Sometimes the people around us are better than we are at recognizing our characteristic emotional responses,
if we’re willing to listen.”
Just don’t go overboard:
Kupfer says that rehashing your anger with more than a couple of people can actually reinforce angryfeelings, making them more intense rather than less intense.
Practice delay and distraction.
Counting to 10 really works for some people, as does wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it each time you feel
angry. Mindfulness can help, as can humming a favorite tune or saying a prayer, Williams says. He also advocates deep breathing
- silently intoning the word “calm” each time you breathe in and “down” each time you breathe out.
“Listening to loud, aggressive music can be a great way to curb anger,” Davidson says. “Anything that takes your mind off angryfeelings.”
Get help for depression. Psychologists used to believe that anger and depression were two sides of the same coin. But recent studies involving PET scans of the brain reveal the two conditions
are distinct, Davidson says. Even so, experts say that depressed people often feel angry, and that getting help - via psychotherapy and/or antidepressant medication - is agood idea. The same SSRI
medications prescribed for depression often prove helpful for chronic anger.
Stop believing that
life must be fair. It’s a cliche to say so, but life isn’t fair. Feeling that it should be sets you up for resentment and rage, Kupfer says, “Most of the time, we get angry because we feel that someone has violated one of what has been called our ‘unenforceable rules,’” such as the “rule” that other motorists
should be courteous or the “rule” that Bernie Madoff shouldn’t have stolen from his investors. Stop trying
to enforce these rules, he says, and you may find it easier to keep on an even keel.
When we experience prolonged
periods of stress, high levels of glucocorticoid adrenal steroid hormones are released into our bodies. This hormone can cause damage to the
nervous system harming our memory & learning abilities.
"You're pushed to the point of considering suicide,
because living becomes very painful. You're looking for a way out, you're looking for a way to eliminate this terrible psychic
pain. And I remember, I never really tried to commit suicide, but I came awful close, because I used to play matadore
with buses. You know, I would walk out into the traffic of New York City, with no reference to traffic lights, red or green,
almost hoping that I would get knocked down." -
Paul Gottlieb, Publisher
Sometimes depression can cause people to feel like putting themselves in harm's way, or killing themselves. Although the majority of people with
depression don't die by suicide, having depression does increase suicide risk compared to people without depression.
The Suicide Option
Increasing numbers of men are taking their own lives
In countries like the USA
& the UK there has been a steady increase in the numbers of men who elect to end their own lives prematurely.
On average in the USA one
person (male & female) takes their own life every 18 minutes. Of those who attempt suicide
the completion rate for men is 4 times higher than for women.
Suicide is the 11th
ranking cause of death, higher even than homicide (14th ranking). In the UK the number of
women committing suicide has halved compared to a 10% increase in men.
Young men & older men
are particularly vulnerable groups. The suicide rate peaks in men between the ages of 20-24, which if isolated from the general statistics on suicide, places suicide as the 3rd ranking cause of death. Older people suffer from the loss
of loved one's and friends & can feel isolated, ignored, valueless, or overly dependent on others.
In the USA,
the leading method of suicide is by firearms whereas in the UK where guns are illegal, exhaust fumes, hanging & overdoses
are most commonly employed.
Why
Men Choose Suicide
Not every attempt at suicide
results in completion, although unsuccessful first attempts are often followed by successful second attempts. We know that young men report various pressures that they feel unable to adapt to or cope with, the most common risk factors being:
Not all suicide attempts succeed & many people who set out w/the clear intention of ending their own lives find that with good emotional & practical
support they're able to adjust their circumstances to live a complete & fruitful life. The warning signs listed above don't inevitably
lead to suicide attempts although where suicide is attempted & fails that person is much more likely to try again & be successful.
People who feel suicidal often
report a certain kind of tunnel vision, of being unable to see the broader picture & thinking only in terms of black & white. In such circumstances that individual may not be motivated to seek out help for themselves & it falls on others to offer support by listening, offering encouragement & sometimes even challenging the preconceptions that people hold about themselves such as their abilities & their worth to society.
Only in the past two decades
has depression in children been taken very seriously. An NIMH-sponsored study of 9 to 17 year-olds estimates that the prevalence of any
depressive disorder is more than 6% in a 6-month period, with 4.9% having major depression.
Before puberty,
boys & girls are equally likely to develop depressive disorders. After age 14, however, females are twice as likely as males to have major depression or dysthymia. The risk of developing bipolar disorder remains approximately equal for males & females throughout adolescence & adulthood.
Research has revealed that depression is occurring earlier in life today than in past decades.
In addition, research has
shown that early-onset depression often persists, recurs & continues into adulthood & that depression in youth may also predict more severe illness in adult life.
Depression in young people frequently co-occurs w/other mental disorders, most commonly anxiety, disruptive behavior, or substance abuse disorders, as well as w/other serious illnesses such as diabetes.
The depressed younger
child may say he is sick, refuse to go to school, cling to a parent, or worry that the parent may die. The depressed older child may sulk, get into trouble at school, be negative, grouchy & feel misunderstood.
Among both children & adolescents,
depressive disorders confer an increased risk for illness & interpersonal & psychosocial difficulties that persist long after the depressive episode is resolved; in adolescents there is also an increased risk for substance abuse & suicidal behavior.
Unfortunately, these disorders often go unrecognized by families & physicians alike. Signs of depressive disorders in young people are often viewed as normal mood swings typical of a particular developmental stage.
In addition, health
care professionals may be reluctant to prematurely "label" a young person w/a mental illness diagnosis. However, early diagnosis
& treatment of depressive disorders are critical to healthy emotional, social & behavioral development.
Although the scientific literature
on treatment of children & adolescents w/depression is far less extensive than that for adults, a number of recent studies have confirmed the short-term efficacy & safety of treatments for depression in youth. Larger research studies on treatments are underway to determine which ones work best for which youngsters.
Additional research is needed
on how to best incorporate these treatments into primary care practice.
Bipolar disorder, although rare in young children, can appear in both children & adolescents.
It's more likely
to affect the children of parents who have the illness. 20 to 40% of adolescents w/major depression go on to reveal bipolar disorder within 5 years after the onset of depression.
Depression in children & adolescents is associated w/an increased risk of suicidal behaviors. This risk may rise, particularly
among adolescent males, if the depression is accompanied by conduct disorder & alcohol or other substance abuse.
In 2000, suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death
among young males, age 10 to 24.
NIMH-supported
researchers found that among adolescents who develop major depressive disorder, as many as 7% may die by suicide in the young adult years. Therefore, it's important for doctors & parents to take seriously any remarks about suicide.
NIMH researchers
are developing & testing various interventions to prevent suicide in children & adolescents. Early diagnosis &
treatment, accurate evaluation of suicidal thinking & limiting young people's access to lethal agents - including firearms & medications -may hold the greatest suicide prevention value.
are you feeling worthless & meaningless in your life? consider this...
Why Dads Matter The revolution has started. Head's up. Warren Farrell, Ph.D.
On Mother's Day the most phone calls are made. On Father's Day
the most collect phone calls are made.
We still think of dads as wallets or as deadbeats if they fail to be wallets, but reality is changing faster than the image. In the last 20 years the percentage of single dads has more
than doubled, from 10% to 23% of all single-parent households. Almost 1 in 4.
Moms moving out of the home
has been a headline-creating revolution; dads moving into the home has been the quietest revolution. Without the headlines,
we miss the revolution. A case in point....
Girls On Boys
A father engages his 3 teenage daughters on the opposite
sex & lives to tell about it. Mostly. By David Laskin (5/11/01)
Attention daughters. Emily,
Sarah & Alice, front & center please. This is your father speaking. We need to talk - or should I say communicate? - on a subject of vital importance to the survival of humankind. I'm talking about...
Boys.....
Okay,
you can stop rolling your eyes now. I'll say the dreaded word again: Boys....
These bulky blundering aliens
who happen to account for half our species, not to mention your dear old dad. You kids & I have been living in close quarters
for a total of 42 years now - 13 for each of you formidable twins Sarah & Alice & 16, whoa, for Emily - & I still
don't really know what you make of my gender.
Back in the old pre-adolescent days,
if memory serves, your favorite boy related adjective was "yucky." Over the years that has evolved into horrible, mean, stupid, annoying, sexist. Though haven't I been hearing a few kinder, gentler terms tossed in of late - like funny, crazy, even - gasp - nice?
So what's the true inside
story? Come on, spill it. What goes on in your heads & hearts these days when you think about boys? Are boys okay after all? Or do you think there are just a few sterling exceptions (like me) to the swinish rule?
Take it Sarah:
It really depends on who you're talking
about. Some haven't outgrown their 3rd grade behavior & still find it cool to insult girls every chance they get. But there are an occasional few who realize that girls aren't as bad as they thought. I guess the same goes for girls.
Emily:
Boys can be nice
& definitely funny, plus they do cooler things than girls (as in, no makeup). In fact,
most of my friends are boys. I'll give you one criticism, though, just for kicks. Here's what boys aren't good for:
say I call up a friend & say "I've been
feeling really down lately." A typical girl response is "Want to talk about it?" (Duh, that's why I called.)
A typical boy response is "Dude, that sucks. Gotta go."
In general,
boys are stupid, blundering, self-loving PIGS. Only 5% of the time are they funny, nice & 1% of the time interesting.
In case you're male, that means that 94% of the time you suck! So, you want to break the barrier of my sexist stereotype?
Men, boys, & male babies, listen closely:
Don't categorize my fellow females into one group
like I just did to you.
Dad again:
Much food for thought here. Right off the bat I'd say I'm VERY glad I am not 13 & in the same class as you, Alice, since you clearly
have some serious "issues" with boys.
And I know, from long hard
experience, that when something gets you annoyed, you get REALLY annoyed. So duck & cover, you self-loving male PIGS! Girl power! Still, I'm glad you raised the subject of "stereotypes," &
that you acknowledge that stereotypes cut both ways.
Maybe fighting fire with fire
isn't the best approach in this old battle - but then again, what do I know?
Now let me
change gears for a moment. What about all this sex role stuff - you know, Barbie & Ken. Hunter & gatherer.
Do you think this is all so much - well, garbage?
Do you think boys try to force it down your throats? Will your generation finally get rid of this?
Sarah:
There are some boys who tend
to be nicer to girls depending on what they're wearing. But they do have a Dr. Barbie now which is sort of switching roles
from the old days which was Ken was Mr. Macho & Barbie as ditz. I think some people in my generation will get rid of it, but not our entire generation. It's still going to be around because people's
families are that way & kids imitate what their parents do.
Emily:
This will never go away. I'm
definitely not a girly girl, & anyone can see that, but I still have to deal with people thinking girls can't lift heavy stuff, run a long way, etc. You, as a parent of three girls, have pretty much gotten away from that
kind of attitude. But, face it, adolescent boys are stronger than adolescent girls.
That's just the way the world works.
However, what people don't realize is that it doesn't mean girls can't be strong at all. It also doesn't help me personally
that I'm just barely 5 feet tall. I admit that it's hard to see anyone who weighs 95 pounds as strong.
Still, I wish people would
realize that I actually can do as much strenuous activity as most other people.
Alice:
I really don't know what you're talking about.
Dad:
Okay, now brace yourselves.
As Salt-N-Pepa so memorably said, Let's talk about sex. Is this even a remotely appropriate subject for a dad & his teenage
daughters to be blathering about on the Net?
Maybe not. But what the hell
- nobody knows who you are in cyberspace anyway.
So let's talk about it.
I know, even though I'm technically not supposed to, that you're all biologically mature. So, is sex an issue yet? Are you
curious? Scared? Do you talk about "it" with friends? Are you totally embarrassed? Do you wish I would shut my big mouth & mind my own business?
Alice:
Well, I personally don't think it's an issue in my school, but, I know it is in my friend's school (but her school is about 600
kids bigger than mine). I don't know why it's an issue in that school but it is.
There are rumors that people
in 7th grade have "done it" but there's nothing like that in my school. You know, from what I've seen, those rumors could
easily be a reality, but that is so far off from where the kids in my school are at - we're not even close to that stuff.
My school is more like this little village where everyone knows each other.
I think boys like to pretend that sex is really cool & they would all like to do it, but I don't think that's reality because if you start talking to a boy about his dick size he's going to get really embarrassed. Boys think talking to girls about their breast size is okay & funny but I personally don't like it.
And it's not something I want
to talk about to them & they don't realize it until I start talking to them about their own bodies.
Sarah:
Well, I'm definitely not going
to be having sex any time soon, at least I hope not. But as for talking about it with friends, of course everyone does. It's
usually jokes - not about who you want to do it with, but stupid jokes.
People invent weird ways of doing
it, stuff like that. I think it's a totally appropriate subject that people shouldn't be afraid about because if it wasn't for sex our society would be wiped out eventually.
I think it's sort of like drugs - an issue like that. Everyone is curious, not saying that they do it, but they're curious; but with drugs even if you're curious about trying it doesn't mean you're going to.
But for sex, most likely you're going
to eventually do it, but as long as you're smart hopefully nothing is going to go wrong.
Emily:
Yes it's an issue (but I'm in high
school. What did you expect?). Next question please.
Dad:
Well, I guess I left the door
open to that, but really, talk about major copout. On the other hand, if my parents tried to get me to talk about sex when I was
16, I would have hit the roof &/or died of embarrassment. So I'll let it go.
Okay let's cool it down a little bit. Let me turn the tables
& talk about moi for a moment. My generation, to be precise. We thought we had it all figured out - the sexual revolution, free love, make love not war. Yeah right.
Now look at us - well, need I say more? So what about you guys? Do you think your generation will be any different/better? Will you be cooler, less pressured, less embarrassed by sex? Or do you think that you'll end up like us - preaching about protection, sniping at your kids for watching cute young things shake their
tushes on MTV, & all that rot?
Alice:
I don't know.
I think our generation is a lot more into strong women & I think that can change some things because they have more power & maybe more choice of what they want to do.
I think preaching about protection is actually a good thing & I think it's really helpful to have sex ed in school because how else are we going to find out about it?
It seems like sex is this whole blown-up thing on tv because sex sells but really girls don't walk about in
bikinis & boys don't walk around with their shirts off. I think as we progress, people in general might get smarter about sex & there might be fewer teen pregnancies because of our
education.
Sarah:
I thinkthink our generation is getting a lot better about sex & talking about it because people are more aware of what can happen if you don't use a condom.
Whereas in the 60's, people didn't
know about STD's & stuff. So we've gotten better in that sense.
But I haven't
really had any experience in being pressured about sex mainly because it's not that big an issue in 7th grade. I think everyone should tell their kids about sex but they'll get the point if you just talk to them about it not remind them 10,000
times.
As for watching music videos with girls shaking their butts, that doesn't
make people want to have sex or anything. It's sex appeal & most people probably look at it as entertainment not a way
to exploit people of the opposite sex.
Emily:
I don't think our generation will really be any better because there aren't any new ideas concerning sex. Everyone is just divided
into different camps.
There is the feminist camp, the anti-feminist camp, the MTV
camp, the hippie camp (although AIDS has pretty much put an end
to free love). You get my point.
There are most likely some good ideas out
there, but they're not unifying a generation.
Dad:
Finally, as your loving parent & the household representative of the other gender, I'd like to guide & enlighten you.
Are there any mysteries about boys or sex you'd like me to explain? Questions that have been preying
on your mind?
What about things you'd like to enlighten me about? Misapprehensions you believe I'm laboring under? Issues you'd like to vent about? Here's your moment in the limelight...
Alice:
This might sound kind of stupid
but I think I actually do know a lot about boys - obviously not as much as they do.
Some things
I like to tell boys: don't go up to a girl & say "Is it that time of the month again?"
Boys
are allowed to get in a bad mood without some hormonal excuse but I feel I always have to be happy unless I want to have some boy bugging me about that kind of stuff. Maybe it's just boys my age, but it bugs the hell out
of me.
I hate when boys put on the "I'm so macho, I'm so strong, let me protect you, you little girl" act. UGGGGGGHHHHH. That bugs me.
Around my age, that comes
out during sports but boys are not stronger than me! Girls have gotten a lot more involved in sports over time but boys still
have this thing in their head that they're better & stronger which they're not!
One
more thing. Don't treat girls like prizes or benefits - don't treat us like objects because I don't appreciate getting comments like "Nice rack!" or "Nice ass!" If you want to tell me you like the way I look, tell me I look nice tonight.
Boys may think it's cool, but I sure don't. Because I feel like I'm treated like some fish they caught. In conclusion, Sexist Society
SUCKS BIG TIME!
Sarah:
First of all, there aren't
really any questions about boys since I've had a "life skills" class for the last 4 years & I know pretty much everything
I want to know.
But I do have something I want to say. Some people think that girls have to shave their legs, wear makeup & tight clothes, & do their hair every morning. And they say boys
have it so easy because they don't have to do all that stuff.
But girls don't have
to do any of it either if they don't want to. And anyway, if they haven't noticed, a lot of the boys, especially in my grade,
tend to wear a lot of gel & that probably takes them a fair amount of time.
Girls think they have to live up to an expectation set by men but I don't think that's true & some guys think the same thing about themselves. People should just do whatever makes them feel good, not what other people think they should do.
Emily:
Err... sorry to be so uncooperative,
but I don't really have any questions. After all, I'm in 10th grade & I think I know everything, right?
Dad one last time:
I don't want to brag or anything,
but you kids are so damn cool. I really admire how open you are & how forcefully you express your opinions. Sexist society does suck, as Alice so eloquently puts it & being outspoken & in-your-face about it is probably the
best way to start changing things.
I used to think I became a kind of honorary feminist by virtue of having 3 daughters, but I acknowledge that I still don't really "get" a lot of it.
Now, at the risk of sounding just
like a boy, let me inject a note of levity at the end. None of us has said anything about "fun." For all their boorish insensitivity
& macho swagger, boys can be a lot of fun to have around - believe me, I should know, having grown up with 3 brothers.
I probably shouldn't be spreading
this around, but sex can be fun too. Not so much to talk about, but you know. Being aware of sexism & the importance of protection is great, but I'd hate to see you kids get so serious about "gender issues" that the fun part disappears.
My
hope is that at least some people in your generation will put self-consciousness & hostility behind them - depoliticize & decommercialize sex. I think you 3 are well on your way. Let's keep in touch. It'll be interesting to see what the future brings.
Sexism May Shorten Men's Lives: Study
Countries with high levels of violence against women also have high male death rates
THURSDAY, Sept. 15 (HealthDay News) In a somewhat unexpected finding,
societal male dominance over women - patriarchy - may help explain why men have a lower life expectancy than women worldwide.
British researchers analyzed rates of female murders & male death rates
from all causes in 51 countries in Europe, Asia, Australia & North & South America. The prevalence of violence against
women was used to indicate the extent of patriarchal control in each of the countries. Socioeconomic factors were also taken into consideration.
The study found that women lived longer than men in all 51 countries. The
study also found that those countries with higher rates of female murders (indicating higher levels
of patriarchy) also had higher rates for male death & shorter male life expectancies, compared to countries with
lower female murder rates, the researchers said.
In fact, statistical analysis showed that variations between countries in
rates of violence against women accounted for close to half (49%) of the variation in male death rates, the researchers noted.
"Our data suggest that oppression & exploitation harm the oppressors as well as those they oppress," researchers at the University of Liverpool concluded.
They noted that the higher death rate & shorter life expectancy among
men is "a preventable social condition, which can potentially be tackled through global social policy."
For example, changes can be made in the way that young males are socialized
into patriarchal gender roles, such as the emphasis on risk taking, aggression & suppression of emotions, the researchers said.
The findings appear in the current issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.
More information
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention offers these mens health tips (www.cdc.gov ).
it's in the news.... latest news about men
on the web
Distant Dads? Not Us, Many Say: Many more dads are taking a stay-at-home role & learning more meaningful roles
in their children's lives
Men's Top 5 Health Concerns: Men die at higher rates than women for all of the top
10 causes of death. Why don't men take better care of their health? Part 1 of a 2-part series on men's and women's biggest
health concerns.
COPING AT HOME AFTER LOSING A JOB Sound advice from guys who've been there http://www.dadmag.com/ By
Kevin Nelson
Just a few weeks after Dave Richards was laid off as manager
of a yacht harbor in a small California coastal community, he found himself driving through a poor section of town with his
11-year-old son, Sam. Sam knew that his father was unemployed & that money was a concern in their family.
Stopped at a red light, they saw a homeless man pushing a shopping
cart down the street. "Dad," Sam asked, "is that going to be us? Are we going to get a shopping cart?"
Many fathers (& mothers) around the country are facing similar
questions or concerns from their worried children. Unemployment is rising. Big layoffs at major companies dominate the headlines
& news broadcasts. Recession looms. Millions of people, even those w/jobs, are being affected by the economic slowdown.
Dadmag.com spoke to several fathers (whose names have been changed
for this article) about how losing a job can affect family life. All have lost jobs at one time or another. Two were self-employed
& are currently experiencing a slow-down in their work due to the economic slump. They spoke to us about how they're weathering
the hard times, what effect it has had on them & their families, how they're coping emotionally & financially, &
what advice they have for other men who may be caught in a similar position.
Getting laid off is a shock to the
system. All the men we spoke to talked about the emotional impact of being laid off or losing a job. Self-employed
individuals or small business owners feel it too. Work is slow (or non-existent) & it
hurts. It affects your self-esteem as a man & your position as a major (probably the major) bread-winner in the family.
The initial
disappointment is hard & there is no sense pretending
otherwise. There's no reason to sugarcoat what happens to a guy after losing a job:
It's like being slugged in the stomach when you're
not ready for it. You stagger & maybe even hit the ground.
It's disappointing, hugely disappointing. It may have been unfair & you may have been humiliated in the process. You may not have seen it coming & now you feel like an idiot. You may have had high hopes that have now been dashed. You may have been told that your job
was safe & you now feel angry & betrayed. You may be feeling all these emotions & more. The good news is that the men we spoke to universally said that these feelings eventually pass & that you find ways to move ahead in your life.
If these feelings of failure persist, you may want to get some help. Lavon Hughes worked for an insurance group. After being laid off it took him
nearly a year to find a new job. During this time he started smoking, which actually helped him cope w/the emotional turmoil
he was going thru. (negative coping behavior) But his sleep was affected. He could only sleep for two hours at a stretch before waking up to resume worrying.
His doctor prescribed anti-depressants
temporarily, which eased his mind & he maintained a regular exercise routine, which helped him both mentally & physically. "None of this solved my job problem of course," says Hughes. "But you still
have to take care of yourself."
Expect that you may not be at the top of your game emotionally during this time. How difficult the adjustment is depends
a lot on who you are & the type of job you had prior to being laid off. It can also depend on how much money you have
in the bank & the type of severance package you receive, if any.
If you're a workaholic who put in 18 hours a day at the office & now you suddenly find yourself at home w/time on your hands, the transition
may be rockier than someone who wasn't married to the job.
Money will obviously be a
rising concern. Hughes remembers blowing up at his teenage daughter after she lost a brand new jacket due to carelessness. With his unemployment weighing heavily on his mind, he was worried about money & took it out on her. How much you tell
your children about your financial situation depends on their age & even if they're older, you may want to keep the information
very basic.
Even if you wanted to, it
would be difficult to hide your situation from your children. They're going to know what's up simply because you're around
the house more. But the fathers we spoke to said they didn't go into much detail with their kids.
"I mean they're only young once,"
says Sal Campisi, the father of two who owns a small business. "I didn't want to worry them." Nevertheless, children will
worry anyway. Change is scary for them too. If you're feeling sad, go ahead & share your emotions with them, within reason. But don't put them in a position of having to comfort you.
Children are curious about what their fathers do & this may be a chance to talk to them about what's going on in your lives. They may
need reassurance. When Sam Richards asked if they were going to be homeless, it caught his father off guard. Dave wasn't sure
what to say. But he reassured his son that no, that was not going to happen to them, they were going to be all right.
Your wife or partner can be
your strongest ally in these times. If you're unemployed you may not feel like telling the whole story to your children -
for good reason. But your wife or partner is a different story. You need to be able to talk to her about important things & she needs to be able to do the same with you. Talking may make you both feel better, even if there are no immediate answers to your
dilemma.
"Guys like to give the impression
that things are under control, the leads are there & that the path is clear," says Zack Barnes, an unemployed technical writer. "But underneath it
all we feel the pressure & worry about things a lot. There are times when it feels like the walls are really closing in on you." Your partner
can provide emotional support when those walls start pressing in.
In addition, since many women
now have jobs outside the home, she may provide needed financial support to the household as well. It's possible, however, that your partner won't be as supportive or understanding as she should be. Many women don't, in fact, understand how deeply work is connected to a man's sense of self worth. When a man isn't providing for his family & producing as
he has in the past, he feels like, well, not a man.
Plagued by feelings of worthlessness, a jobless man may drink more. And since he's around the house
more, there are more opportunities for friction & escalating conflict with his wife & children. If you feel your anger is out of control, get help. Many communities have support groups & emergency hotlines.
Doing w/less isn't the end
of the world for you or your family. The obvious goal for men who have lost a job or who are experiencing a slow-down in their
business is to have it affect the family as little as possible. This may not always be realistic.
You & your family may
indeed have to get by w/less for a period of time, but there's a big difference between doing w/less & doing without.
And don't forget that there are unexpected benefits to being home at times of the day when you normally would be at work.
One unemployed father told
us about the time his daughter lost an election for secretary of her junior class in high school. When she burst thru the
front door in tears Dad was the one who was home to hold her & comfort her. He told her how he understood what it felt like to be rejected because he had been rejected by a number of potential employers himself.
"You'll get a good job eventually,"
his daughter told him, & she was right.
Things are going to be okay
if you can somehow get over the hump. Again, not to sound Pollyannish, because losing a job sucks, but if you can manage to
steer thru the rocky times, you & your family will be all right. Indeed, in the end you may actually be better off. Losing
a job often causes a dislocation in a person's life. It can be painful. It can cause misery & hardship. But it can also represent an opportunity
to reevaluate & ultimately renew your life.
Your marriage, having been
tested, may emerge stronger. When you find another job (& you'll find one) & your
life can become more balanced than before, perhaps with less of an all-out emphasis on career & more time for family.
"The fear of not having an income wasn't good, but it forced me to change," says Dave Richards, who has now found a new job. "The change was good & it caused me to reevaluate everything. I was in a rut. But to be honest, losing that job was the best thing that could have happened to me."
all underlined links on the emotion words above
will lead you to the emotional feelings network of sites to explore the emotions you are
having.
Trouble Focusing, Working Slowly, Feeling Tired, All
Signal Clinical Depression
June 17, 2003 Cycles of depression affect a person's productivity at work, yet most employers don't recognize the problem. And most people w/clinical depression don't get the help they need.
A new study, published
in this week's Journal of the American Medical Association, discusses the impact of clinical depression on the American workplace.
the following web links are provided
for your convenience in visiting the source sites for the information displayed on this page:
Click here to visit the Red Cross page that allows you to access your local chapter of the Red Cross by entering your zip code in the
specified box, to see how you can help in your area. You can also call your local Red Cross Chapter that you can find the
number for online or in your local phone book to volunteer for any openings that may need to be filled or you can find another way to help others there as well!
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please have a great day & take a few minutes to explore some of the other sites in the emotional feelings network of sites! explore the unresolved emotions & feelings that may
be the cause of some of your pain & hurt... be curious & open to new possibilities! thanks again for visiting at anxieties
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