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I am woman..... hear me roar!
Sure God created man before woman. But
then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
Author Unknown
Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves
with their weakness.
Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand,
Letters to Voltaire
September 11, 2008
Why Feminists Fear Strong Women
By James Lewis
"I assume John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential
partner in a fit of pique because the Republican money men refused to let him have the stuffed male shirt he really wanted.
She added nothing to the ticket that the Republicans didn't already have sewn up, the white trash vote, the demographic that
sullies America's name ... yet has such a curious appeal for the right."
That delicious tidbit comes from a Canadian feminist named Heather Mallick, who writes for the
tax-funded Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Mallick is a career "journalist" for the CBC and other major Canadian media.
She has decided to blame Governor Sarah Palin on "the white trash vote" - because it's obvious that trash attracts trash.
This just another little
tribute from sneering, caterwauling, traditional-woman-hating feminists all over the Western world. (With the wonderful exception of Camille Paglia.)
Aye, 'tis a grand sight
to behold.
Governor Sarah Palin is
Everywoman - she is your mother, your sister or your wife; even your grandmothers and great-grandmothers, going back generations.
She is a normal strong, healthy woman. Just as in Lake Woebegon, in reality all normal women are strong.
For decades we've been told
that half the human population - the female half - are somehow weak, oppressed victims, who cannot handle the normal challenges of life. Those are not the women you or I know. Normal women are incredibly strong; that's how evolution, or if you prefer God, made them; they are hardly pushovers or pitiable weaklings. Weaklings perish over the generations. The strong survive.
All too often modern women
have been suckered and bamboozled by a lifetime of Leftist agitprop, which has turned their strengths into weaknesses. But
it's 100% hogwash.
Hillary Clinton has based
her whole political career on the Myth of the Victimized Woman. Feminists who run our schools and colleges are always trying
to push that story to naive students, just like the young Hillary of forty years ago, who was indoctrinated at Wellesley College. Even perfectly normal
women have come to believe it.
But ask yourself: How many
weakling women have you ever known? I've known very few, and I suspect those few learned to behave that way for sympathy. Just put them on a jungle island and soon they'd be swinging through the trees like Jane of the Jungle.
"Weak" women are a figment
of the Left, just like "weak" black people or "weak" poor people. Those folks never used to be weaklings, until the media
made them think they were. With the unanimous help of mainstream radio and TV you can talk yourself into feeling you're a victim of circumstances, just as under better influences you can talk yourself into feeling strong.
But the media don't celebrate
winners in life. (Wonder why?)
Comes along Sarah Palin,
a strong, joyous, normal woman, who doesn't mind it if the world knows who she is, and shatters the weakling stereotype just by being
herself. What a blast! And the voters, who know from personal experience exactly how strong women really are, are just recognizing their mothers and sisters and aunts in Governor Palin.
That's not "white trash."
It's not "lipstick on a pig," as Obama wittily told his adoring audience a few days ago. It's normal, healthy behavior --- in fact, it's pretty much like Michelle Obama, who is also
a strong woman (but bitterly angry, for some unfathomable reason).
So why do Leftist feminists
fear Sarah Palin? Because their personal ego-trips and their political power depend upon The Big Lie. Like all Leftists, feminists
desperately need to feel superior to the rest of us. That makes them feel good about themselves. For some Lesbian feminists
I've known there is another, even more personal feeling:
An intense sense of sexual competition with men. If you believe
that all men are evil abusers, Lesbians are the logical refuge for women. The edge of manic rage that marks a lot of feminism
seems to owe quite a lot to sexual jealousy, one of the most destructive of human emotions.
So there's a lot riding
on the Myth of Female Weakness, from ego, to sexual passions, to deliberately cultivated group rage, to money and career ambitions.
Without the Myth a rage-driven feminist like Heather Mallick would not have a high-paid career with the government-own broadcaster
in socialist Canada.
All the feminist professors
who were hired to create "gender balance" in our schools and colleges, all the Ms. Magazine writers, all the media ladies,
the affirmative action bureaucrats and victimology peddlers would lose the only career they know. A huge amount of money,
prestige, snobbery, influence, ego, rage and sexual passion rides on the feminist myth.
Sarah Palin shatters their
reasons for being.
Once a majority of normal
women decide they are not victims at all, Leftist feminism is a goner. Which would be a good thing, overall, because the important thing is not some "ism" - particularly not a destructive one - but human beings, regardless of gender, race and all the other
incidentals. Humanity is greater than feminism. It's greater than any race, creed, color, and any of those other cut and paste
categories beloved of the Left.
One of my favorite books
is Mario Puzo's The Fortunate Pilgrim (1965). (Yes, that Mario Puzo.) It's
the story of his Neapolitan mother, and many another woman of her generation. The book's heroine is named Lucia Santa. Mamma
Santa's life is incredibly touching because she is not 'fortunate' at all - not to our way of thinking.
But she is a stout
pilgrim through life, in so many senses of that word. Lucia Santa was not as well-to-do as we are; she was not well-educated;
she was an Italian immigrant along with her husband, who became psychotic and lived rest
of his life in an asylum. Her immigrant experience is like that of many first-generation Americans, including today's Hispanics
and Asians.
"(The Fortunate Pilgrim) deals with the Angeluzzi-Corbos
family, a family of immigrants living an adopted life in New York City. The head of the family is Lucia Santa, a wife, widow
and mother of two families. It is her formidable will that steers them through the Great Depression and the early years of
World War II. But she cannot prevent the conflict between Italian and American values, or the violence and bloodshed which
must surely follow."
"The Fortunate Pilgrim is the real birthplace of The Godfather.
As Puzo says, the book's hero, Lucia Santa, is based on his own mother:
"Whenever the Godfather opened his mouth, in my own mind I
heard the voice of my mother. I heard her wisdom, her ruthlessness, and her unconquerable love for her family and for life itself. ... The Don's courage and loyalty came from her; his humanity came from her...and so, I know now, without Lucia Santa, I could not have written
The Godfather."
Lucia Santa lived a life
of immense suffering and joy, loss and triumph. Her pilgrimage was to carry on in the new land with her children, to deal with their troubles and triumphs,
and to be a tower of strength to her family and neighbors. Her son Mario became a great success as a novelist. But we become who we are from our parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters; yes,
and our friends and teachers; sometimes we do it consciously, and more often not.
That's the traditional woman
- who we are told, on great feminist authority - was always a "weakling" before feminist ideologues came along to rescue her.
That is your grandmother and mine, down the generations, just as it is your grandfather and mine.
Nobody told them they were
weaklings. So they never knew it.
"We stand on the shoulders
of giants,"
Maybe it's time to bring
back that old truth.
  
Do You Wake Up Happy or Anxious?by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., The Official Guide to
Love
"I can have a really great
day, but when I wake up the next morning I feel anxious. Sometimes the better day I've had, the more anxious I am the next morning. I can't figure it out."
I hear this over and over from my
clients. What is happening here?
The Tyranny of the Ego Wounded Self
All of us have a wounded part of us that we created when we were young to try to get love, avoid pain, and feel safe. This part of us is housed in a peanut sized part of our left-brain called the amygdala. Within the amygdala is all of our
programmed false beliefs - the conclusions we drew from our experiences as we were growing up, or the ideas we were taught by parents, siblings, teachers,
media, religion, peers, and so on. This is our ego - our wounded self.
When we are young and not receiving the love we need, we decide that it must be our fault that we are not being loved. We decide that we are not good enough - that were are somehow flawed, inadequate, bad - that there is something wrong with
us. This is one of the major false beliefs of the wounded self.
Once we decide this, we learn to hide away who we really are and we go about developing
a self that is acceptable. The more we do this, the more we lose touch with who we really are. We come to believe that we are our ego wounded self - that we are the self we created, not the self that God created. Over time, the ego gains more and more power, and very much doesn’t want to lose this power. Our ego wounded self becomes addicted to being in control.
Like a dictator who doesn't want to be toppled,
our wounded self fears losing its power. The more inner work we do to heal our limiting beliefs and move into the truth of who we are, the more our ego wounded self is threatened. The one time it can exert its power is when we are asleep. So it often take over while we are asleep and we
wake up with the thoughts of our wounded self that create anxiety. Being asleep, we do not have the wherewithal to limit these thoughts. We might be totally unaware of the thoughts that create the anxiety because we are half-asleep, but when we wake up, we experience the anxiety of the lies that the wounded self is telling us.
In fact, the more growth you do, the more you might wake up with
anxiety, as the wounded self becomes more and more threatened of losing power. What to do?
The Way Out of Anxiety
What often happens is
that we get hooked into ruminating about the very thoughts that are creating the anxiety, thus becoming more and more anxious. We may try to explore why we are having these thoughts that are making us feel bad, which only seems to exacerbate the anxiety.
Focusing on these thoughts is NOT the way out!
The way out is to consciously and deliberately focus on what
you are grateful for. Gratitude dispels the power of the wounded self, so the more you focus on gratitude, then better you will feel.
Try it for yourself. Instead of trying to figure out
what the anxiety is about, or what you are thinking, or why you are thinking what you are thinking, move into gratitude instead. Be thankful for the day, for another opportunity to learn and grow and share love with whomever you encounter. Be thankful for your life, for the journey of the soul, for the sacred privilege of evolving
your soul in love. Be thankful for the big and small things in your life that you might be overlooking.
Then
notice how you feel! Author's Bio Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn
Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!
Year 1999
Women in the Workforce
In the year 1999,
60% of those in the workforce are women. Mothers are even more likely than women overall to be in the labor force:
- 70% of married mothers
- 73% of single mothers
were employed outside the home. But the fact remains that women
are a majority (60%) of low-wage workers.
Many
women have allowed undue stress to be placed upon themselves as they attempt to balance their very jealous careers with their role as wife and mother. Women's lives are affected by the roles they take on:
- wife
- mother
- worker
- caretaker
While past generations of women organized their lives primarily to meet family-related objectives,
some combination of work and family is the lifestyle preference of most American women today.
Less than
12% of families today are "typical" where the father is the wage earner and the mother is at home with several children. In
50% of marriages, both partners are employed. Also, 70% of married women with children under age 18 are in the work force.
Juggling
multiple roles can be irritating, frustrating and distressing. When a woman's demands exceed her resources for managing them, stress and strain result.
Consequences of
role strain
Alcoholism is a consequence of role strain because women may "self medicate" their symptoms of stress with alcohol. We now know that women metabolize alcohol differently than men and feel the effects of
alcohol easier and faster. Also, the literature reports that some women tend to drink excessively during the premenstrual
phase of their cycle.
Women
have a greater lifetime risk for depression than men and there are several reasons for this. Changes associated with the reproductive cycle
may cause depression, such as:
Other
reasons for the increased incidence of depression in women include sex role stereotypes and life conditions that support devaluation and
helplessness.
Lastly,
there's an increased incidence of depression in women because they report symptoms of depression more readily than men and are more likely to seek help.
Women
in their peri-menopausal years are at greater risk for depression. Issues associated with this time of a woman's life include:
Whatever the cause, treatment
for depression is at hand. In most cases, individuals no longer need suffer or remain non-functional due to the symptoms of depression.
Balancing families and careers
Fact: a
woman's biological clock and career tick in synchrony.
Here's
how to cope:
- Set attainable personal and professional goals. Periodically ask yourself, "If something catastrophic
happened to me today, would I have any regrets about the way I have lived my life?" To prevent burn-out, set limits.
- Choose a partner and others who share your goals. Choose competent and trustworthy support people, such as child care providers and secretaries. Geographic proximity helps.
- Establish your priorities: Make time for your family (attend school performances and sports
events, take family vacations) and take care of yourself (eat right, get enough exercise, sleep). Remember to maintain a sense of humor.
- Two potential spheres of support (i.e., work & family) can serve as a useful role model for children.
Women and Stress
The fight or flight response has been described for years as the typical way that people respond to stress. Recent research by Shelly Taylor, Ph.D. and her colleagues has complicated the picture.
Taylor has coined the phrase "tend and befriend" to describe a very different pattern that her research group has found in
women who are stressed.
It seems that most of the earlier
research on the fight-or-flight response was done using males. Taylor has found that females, even female animals from
different species, respond differently to stress than males. Females under stress nurture themselves and their young ('tending') and form alliances with others ('befriending').
Does this mean that women don't respond
to stress with the fight-or-flight response? Not necessarily. The fight-or-flight response seems to be present in women
under acute stress. The tend and befriend response then seems to kick-in, and the women respond differently
then men. Female animals may need to protect their young in a stressful situation. Fleeing too soon would be a problem.
Taylor's research suggests that hormones
may play a role in these differences. Males under
stress produce androgens such as testosterone in addition to stress hormones such as cortisol. Animal
studies suggest that females produce oxytocin, which produces a feeling of relaxation, reduces fear and decreases some components of the fight-or-flight response. Oxytocin
is also involved in social memory and in childbirth.
Taylor has been quoted as reporting that most stress researchers in the past have been very quick to study behaviors like aggression and withdrawal and have failed to notice very important behaviors like affiliation.
We think it's cute when women call up their sisters when they're under stress. But no one has realized that that is a contemporaneous manifestation of one of the
oldest biological systems. Our focus on fight-or-flight has kept us from recognizing that there are systems that are as old as fight-or-flight that are tremendously important.
Taylor's research is published in the July 2000 issue of Psychological
Review.
Expect to see others looking at the role that gender plays in our responses to stress in the future.
Women in the Year 1960
only 5
years later...
Traditionally a middle-class
girl in Western culture tended to learn from her mother's example that:
- cooking
- cleaning
- caring for children
was the behavior expected of her when she grew up. Tests made in the 1960's showed that the scholastic achievement of girls was higher in the early
grades than in high school. The major reason given was that the girls' own expectations declined because neither their families nor their teachers expected them to prepare for a future other than that of marriage
& motherhood.
During
the 1960's several
federal laws improving the economic status of women were passed.
- The Equal
Pay Act of 1963 required
equal wages for men & women doing equal work.
- The Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibited discrimination against women by any company
with 25 or more employees.
- A Presidential Executive Order in 1967 prohibited bias against women in
hiring by federal government contractors.
But discrimination in
other fields persisted.
- Many retail stores wouldn't issue independent credit cards
to married women.
- Divorced or single women often found it difficult to obtain credit to purchase a house or a car.
Laws concerned w/welfare,
crime, prostitution & abortion also displayed a bias against women.
- In possible violation of a woman's right to privacy, i.e.,
a mother receiving government welfare payments was subject to frequent investigations in order to verify her welfare claim.
- Sex discrimination in the definition of crimes existed in some
areas of the US. A woman who shot & killed her husband would be accused of homicide, but the shooting of a wife by her
husband could be termed a "passion shooting."
Only in 1968, for another example, did the Pennsylvania courts void a state law which required that any woman
convicted of a felony be sentenced to the maximum punishment prescribed by law.
- Often women prostitutes were prosecuted although their male
customers were allowed to go free.
- In most states abortion was legal only if the mother's
life was judged to be physically endangered. In 1973, however, the US Supreme Court ruled that states couldn't restrict a woman's right to
an abortion in her first 3 months of pregnancy.
As environmental factors have been shown as one of the determining factors in who develops
mental illness and with women being twice as likely to develop a mental illness than men, after long deliberation...
I found that
women through the decades have been "born into an environment" that's often determined by society's unhealthy attitudes, perceptions and beliefs in what women should or shouldn't do...
Let's look at societal beliefs from the year 1955 first...
The Good Wife's GuideHousekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before,
to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you've been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite
dish) is a part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch
up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and
a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make a last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
- Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
- Over the cooler months of
the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to
unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven
of rest and order and it'll give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes
to wash the children's hands and faces (If they're small), comb their hair
and if necessary, change their clothes. They're little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize
all noise. At the time of his arrival, elminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacumn. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
- Listen to him.
You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival isn't the time. Let him talk first -
remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other
places of entertainment w/out you, instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
- Don't greet him with complaints and
problems.
- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.
Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
- Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his pillows and
offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don't ask him questions
about his actions or question his judgment of integrity. Remember, he's the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place.
Is the above information why women become alcoholics? How do you cope with the expectations people have of you? How do you react when you can't get it all done?
Most alcoholics are men, but the incidence of alcoholism in women has been increasing over the past 30 years. Studies indicate that 9.3% of men and 1.9% of women are heavy drinkers
and 22.8% of men are binge drinkers compared to 8.7% of women.
In general, young women who
are problem drinkers follow the drinking patterns of their partners, although they tend to engage in heavier drinking during
the premenstrual period.
Women tend to become alcoholic later in life than men and it's estimated that 1.8 million older women suffer from alcohol addiction.
Even though heavy drinking in women
usually occurs later in life, the medical problems women develop because of the disorder occur at about the same age
as men, suggesting that women are more susceptible to the physical toxicity of alcohol.
Do you tend to cope with your day by having a drink? How many drinks a day do you have? Do you
drink every day?
coping with drinking alcohol is a negative coping mechanism
The Second Wives Club
By Carla Rohlfing Levy
The Stereotype
On July 10, 1999, I happily became a statistic the moment I uttered "I do" - I was now in a 2nd marriage,
along with some 20% of 40-plus men and women nationwide. Life had thrown me a curve ball just 4 years earlier, when my first
husband suddenly died.
In the depths of my grief, 6 months later, I was reintroduced to an old acquaintance, the man I married that summer afternoon. As it turns out, he
and his first wife had legally separated the same time that my marriage had ended so differently.
We popped corks, celebrated with our closest friends and enjoyed a luxurious honeymoon in France. When we returned, I was in for somewhat of a rude awakening. Although I thought of myself simply as a wife, I quickly learned that the "second" amendment in front of my title spoke volumes to many people.
When I showed off my new ring to an acquaintance,
she told me I had no business marrying a father, strongly implying that I had destroyed another woman's life and contributed
to the abandonment of an innocent child.
I was shocked that my happy news could be interpreted so falsely. My husband's ex is the one who initiated the divorce. He's a great dad and my stepdaughter doesn't even hate me. She gives me presents on Mother's Day.
Say the words "2nd wife" and what comes
to mind? A home-wrecking, younger tramp, that's what. Forget that statistics show the age difference between spouses in second
marriages is a scant 3.4 years, or that, at 44, I'm older than my 41-year-old husband.
Common wisdom is that we're home invaders, using youth or glamor to insinuate ourselves into otherwise happy marriages and cut men off from their children.
I'm not saying that doesn't happen now and
then. On any given day, you can read tabloid stories of older men jumping into younger women's arms. From Marla Maples to
Suzy Wetlaufer (who allegedly lured former GE CEO Jack Welch away from his wife - his second
wife, actually), such sexy scandals feed a stereotype I think is long past due for a decent burial.
But it just won't die. Maybe we're still
harboring resentment for what happened to many divorced women of my mother's generation, who made sacrifices for their husbands' careers only to be left high and dry if the marriage
ended.
The First Wives Club tapped into the anger of women who ended up in that situation. But I found the movie, with its slimy husbands and predatory women, to be curiously out of date.
The women I know who have divorced in the past 10 years or so have benefited from changes in divorce law that provide for a more equitable split when one household becomes two; in a couple of cases, they even secured the lion's
share of the assets. It's tough on everybody as we navigate this brave new world of blended families, with its foreign and
emotionally tricky terrain. Tired stereotyping doesn't help a thing.
A Reality Check
For the most part, I'm lucky in my personal
situation - my husband's family and especially his daughter, welcomed me warmly. But a quick check on any one of the numerous
stepmother/second wife-support sites on the Web reveals that my sister second wives aren't always so fortunate.
Perhaps we would be more accepted if everybody realized how different our lives are from the outdated stereotypes. Take the one that says we're out to snag
a rich husband and peel him and his money away from his first family.
Reality check: Far from stealing away men
in their financial prime, the second wives I know are essential breadwinners whose paychecks help provide stepchildren with
housing, clothing and food - and many of them need to work to compensate for the money their husbands must send to their first wives.
A woman I know has it the worst, with much
of her husband's income being funneled to his first wife 15 years after his divorce. His first child has a trust fund, sizable enough to ensure his financial security for life and his ex has never worked.
There is no trust for his child with my friend, who works part-time to help maintain their lifestyle (which, granted, is still pretty nice).
In some states and depending on the discretion
of a judge, the income of second wives can even be considered when alimony and child support are calculated. Shortly before
my husband and I married, I learned that my salary could potentially be factored into future adjustments made to his nonworking
ex.
It had taken me years to get back on my
feet financially after my first husband's death (he didn't have life insurance)
and we were saving like mad to get a place big enough for my stepdaughter to have her own bedroom. (Fortunately,
due to the financial situation of all involved, the threat never materialized.)
Second wives are often depicted as blinding
their husbands to the emotional needs of their children. In truth, the step-moms I've talked to are more "mom" than "step," attending parent / teacher conferences, supervising sleepovers,
comforting kids, cleaning up vomit (it happens). The difference is, stepmothers don't get the respect and decision-making power automatically accorded to "real" mothers.
Despite the fact that I've been caring for my stepdaughter for 6 years (she's now 12), I feel like a bit player in the ongoing
negotiations between my husband and his ex over his custodial time. His ex often doesn't stick to a set schedule and it's
not unusual for me (us) to get virtually no notice that my stepdaughter is coming - or,
worse, that she won't be.
I was also once excluded from an important school event because its organizers didn't think to take stepparents into account and it turned out there literally weren't enough seats. Even more upsetting, step-moms often
serve as lightning rods for the anger children harbor after a divorce and stereotypes make this difficult situation even worse.
I know of one woman whose stepchildren blame her for breaking up their parents - a scenario their mother encourages them to believe. The second wife and her husband don't plan on telling the kids that their mother was the one cheating, but knowing she's
doing the right thing doesn't ease her frustration about the blame and the "You're not my mother!" back talk she gets when she tries to set house rules.
Why the Trouble?
Most of the problems I see among second
wives can be traced to lack of respect. I've bitten my tongue more than once when I've heard a divorced mom dish about her ex-husband's new wife, snarking about
her looks or job, finding fault with how she dresses or feeds the kids.
Rarely do I hear appreciation for taking on carpools, school projects, extra laundry and more. But we need recognition and support just like everybody else. The first time I ran an Internet search on "second wives," I was surprised at the number
of online groups out there, filled with women swapping strategies for coping with problems like upset children, frustrated husbands and "deadbeat moms," which can refer to mothers who spend child support on themselves, then ask their ex for more
money in front of the children, or mothers who unexpectedly "dump" children on their ex's household during their own custodial
time.
I used to believe that things like that didn't happen, but it's more common than one might think. And it's taboo to talk about: Complaining makes it sound like you don't care about your stepchild, so many of us turn to the Web.
I shadow some of these sites when I need reassurance that I'm not alone. Sympathetic souls turn up in unexpected places, too. Not so long ago, my stepdaughter and I were nosing around the kids' department at
Bloomingdale's and the saleswoman smiled and commented that she looks like me. "No, no," I said. "I'm just her stepmother."
"Listen, honey," she said, fixing me with a look that clearly came from experience. "That counts."
The most recent Hollywood take on the second
wife, the movie Stepmom, suggests we've made some progress, but not much. The movie wasn't very good, but I could relate to
Julia Roberts' character as she dodged barbs and struggled to keep her relationship and career afloat while attempting to
forge a bond with her fiance's children and their mother.
It was more than a little depressing that the first wife (Susan Sarandon) had to develop a fatal disease before
she could welcome Roberts' character into her children's lives. Is that what it's going to take before we'll be respected?
Making It Work
I prefer to think we'll all learn to behave as admirably as the members of one blended family I know. When a friend of mine and her husband divorced several years ago, they vowed to put their young child's interests first. That wasn't so hard while they were two single
parents, but it became much more difficult when he remarried. My friend struggled to accept the fact that her child's diapers were changed by another woman's hands, that the man she had married now loved somebody else.
She finally realized that she might as well
work with this new family structure, because it sure wasn't going away. She made an effort to see the good qualities in the
new wife and to be cooperative with respect to custody and child care. Her ex and his wife behaved in kind and a stronger,
more productive family was born. "I'm lucky," my friend told me recently. "She's a great mother and she's great to my child."
Maybe they should be the model for the new American family, one that acknowledges that nearly half of first marriages don't last and that most children in America now grow up with more than two parent figures.
The family has already been redefined in fact, but we're all still catching up emotionally. There is no "norm" anymore and
it's high time we all realized it and got on with the business of getting along.
For that to happen, second wives need to be promoted to a full member of the family team. The respect that is naturally accorded first wives and mothers needs to stretch to embrace second wives and stepmothers as well. But, like second wives everywhere, I've learned that I can't
make my husband's first wife accept me, even as I try to live up to my end of the bargain and support her.
The best I can do is accept and respect myself. I love my husband in a way I never thought I could again and we are both so happy to have been blessed with this second chance. Yet, I recently caught myself blurting out to a virtual stranger that I was
widowed before I remarried, as if to soften the fact of what I am. I'm not going to do that anymore. I am a second wife and
stepmother and I'm proud of the role I play in this family. In my own eyes, at least, I will be second to none.
Carla Rohlfing Levy contributes regularly to Self, Lifetime, and Fitness.
the little voice in your head says, "so what if you're like me.... that unhappy second wife.....?" we all know about the women who have husbands who continually fight with their ex-wives over matters concerning
the children....
"what if your husband is like mine.... choosing his own children over mine all
of the time, saying his kids don't do anything wrong, when my kids are monsters!?" & of course, there's always the husband
who says, "I need you to make more money because with my child support payments & all the extra things the kids need, well.... there's not enough money for our household."
it's factual - reality bites
do you keep your mouth shut & try not to appear upset with his attitude?
Wives Who Bite Their Tongues Risk Their Lives
Avoiding conflict with husbands boosts likelihood of death, study finds
By Kathleen Doheny
THURSDAY, Feb. 17 (HealthDay
News) -- Married women who keep quiet during conflicts with their mates greatly boost their risk of dying from any cause, a new study finds.
And married men whose wives
come home upset about work are at increased risk of developing heart disease, the same research finds.
The results were presented
Feb. 17 at the Second International Conference on Women, Heart Disease & Stroke in Orlando, Fla. The meeting was sponsored by the American Heart
Association, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention & other organizations.
Elaine D. Eaker, who heads
an independent research firm in Wisconsin, worked with colleagues from Boston Univ. to analyze marital discord & its effect
on heart disease & overall mortality.
"We started with healthy people
& said, 'OK, what happens with them if they're in a marriage with marital strain?'" Eaker said. "Other researchers have
looked at the effect of marital strain on existing heart disease. They basically found that people who are in a marriage where
there's negative marital strain have a worse prognosis for their heart disease."
Eaker's study included 1,769
men & 1,913 women, aged 18 to 77, all part of the Framingham Offspring Study, an ongoing community study designed to track
heart disease & other social & demographic characteristics, including marital strain.
Of the total participants,
1,493 men & 1,501 women were married or described their living situation as "marital." Participants were first evaluated
from 1984 to 1987, then researchers tracked their health for 10 years to see if they developed heart disease or died.
Eaker noted that, during the
study, "we introduced more unique measures of marital stain in which we looked at whether you speak out when in conflict or keep quiet."
Keeping quiet has been dubbed
"self-silencing," Eaker said. While the men who kept quiet during a conflict didn't suffer harmful health effects, the women did, she found.
"The women who said they usually
or always 'self-silence' were 4 times more likely to die [from all causes] during the follow-up
of 10 years," Eaker said. This held true even after adjusting for such factors as age, blood pressure, cholesterol & body weight.
Eaker's group also found that
men who said their wives came home upset with work were more than 2 times likelier to develop heart disease than men without
such stress.
Referring to the women who
keep quiet during conflict, Eaker said, "It's not that they're timid. They're trying to preserve the relationship. They think they're doing a good thing. They may be preserving the relationship, but they aren't preserving their lives."
Eaker speculated that women
who always keep quiet during a conflict may activate stress hormones that adversely affect their health.
Like other researchers, Eaker
also found that married men were half as likely to die during the 10-year follow-up period as unmarried men. But married women
were just as likely to die as unmarried women during the follow-up, reinforcing the finding that marriage protects men's health
more than women's.
Another heart expert isn't
surprised by the study's findings. Dr. Nieca Goldberg, chief of women's cardiac care at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City,
said holding in anger during conflict w/a mate "is only a cosmetic approach to anger."
"Women need to learn to take better care of themselves & try in positive ways to express their anger & to avoid the breaking point," said Goldberg, author of Women Are Not Small Men. And women should rethink the
old adage about keeping the peace at all costs, she said.
In light of her findings,
Eaker said doctors should consider adding questions about marital discord & the effect of a spouse's work when taking
medical histories. That way, a physician can address the issues or refer the patients to counseling, if needed, she said.
Unemployment is also hard
on a woman's health, according to another study that was presented at the conference: Women who have been fired or laid off
from their jobs have a higher risk of getting cardiovascular disease. Researchers from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control
& Prevention analyzed data from nearly 35,000 black & white women, aged 25 to 64 years old, including some who were
involuntarily unemployed, some who were working & others who chose to be homemakers.
The unemployed women had the
worst health, with 28% reporting high blood pressure & 6% suffering either heart attack, chest pain or stroke. In comparison, women w/jobs had better health, with
only 19% reporting high blood pressure & only 2% suffering cardiovascular disease.
Among the homemakers, 19%
had high blood pressure & 4% reported cardiovascular disease.
More information
To learn more about following a heart-healthy lifestyle, visit the
American Heart Association (www.americanheart.org ).
WEDNESDAY 4/24/96
THE ONLINE NEWSHOUR ASKS:
HOW ARE WOMEN IN THE WORKFORCE FARING?
Is the "Mommy Track" and gender equality in the workplace myth or reality? The pioneering women
who have made it to the top, or near-top, of corporate America say they've
traded sleep and personal lives for deadlines and around-the-clock crisis management.
The best explanation for
their success is:
- women consistently exceeded performance expectations
- women develop a personal style less threatening to male managers
Contrary to the preconception
that career women give up marriage and children, nearly 3/4 of the women surveyed are:
- married
- 75% are the primary breadwinners in their households
- 64% have children
Although balance still eludes most career women, many identified domestic help and clear priorities as important to success. Several of the women surveyed report they rise each day at 4 am to do paperwork and spend some time w/their husbands and
children before heading to work. They often work late into the evening. Physical stamina appears to be a key to success.
Are the sacrifices worth it?
What do you think? What lessons do the experiences of the first generation of female executives hold for their daughters and granddaughters?
It all falls under the category of what women expect they should be.....
hormonal changes....
Is it just hormones that makes women more likely to develop mental illness? click the underlined link to learn more about the link between hormones & mental health in women
Is There A Genetic Predisposition To Mental Illness?
Q. I'm in the process of making a decision as to whether or
not I'll have a family. My mother suffers from clinical depression which was also the case of her 2 brothers (my uncles). My sister suffers from Manic Depression & I've suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 23 (now I'm 40) w/a depression for 2 years.
After a lot of effort I managed to get out of it, attended university
& now have a successful career. Over the years I've suffered from bouts of depression associated mainly w/stress at work & I managed to overcome them w/out a medication.
Seeing my family, including myself suffering all these years, I'm hesitant
to have a family since I've heard that such diseases can be hereditary.
A. I would like to comment on 3 major areas.
- Usually
disease isn't inherited. Instead, vulnerability to disease is inherited.
- There are many effective treatments for depression and intensive research further improves the hope for additional more effective and better tolerated treatments in the future.
- Details should be discussed with your physician.
Many traits,
such as red hair, blue eyes and some facets of our personality and temperament are inherited, but most disease isn't inherited.
A few
exceptions are diseases associated with a genetic defect such as:
- hemophilia
- Huntington's
- Tay-Sach's
- Gaucher's, etc.
The significance
of genes is apparent when we see that identical twins often demonstrate similar personality traits. i.e., one set separated
since birth had very different developmental backgrounds.
We all have some
vulnerabilities, but whether or not these vulnerabilities progress to disease is strongly impacted by many different life events. There's a statistical correlation between
a family history of depression and the risk of developing depression.
It's important to point out that your children would have only 50% of your genes. In addition to genetics,
if someone has a history of one prior depression:
- there's a 50% risk of a 2nd depression
- w/2 episodes of depressions, the risk of a 3rd is 70%
- w/3 episodes the risk is 90%
However, adequate treatment
improves the risk factors. About 17% of the population suffers from depression at some point in their life, & one large study demonstrated that 48% of the population suffers from some form of mental illness at some point in their life.
Depression is particularly common in women of child bearing age. For this reason, the use of antidepressants in pregnancy has been studied & the information to date is that antidepressants are quite safe - safer than the risks associated
w/untreated major depression.
In summary, there's
a statistical correlation between a family history of depression, a history of depression & an increased risk of developing depression in both the patient & their children.
This risk, however, shouldn't
be overstated & shouldn't be a reason for stigma. An awareness of the risk, appropriate vigilance, preventive strategies & early effective treatment if depression does occur improves the prognosis for both you & your children.
A risk of depression, alone shouldn't be a reason not to have children. The details & specific strategies should be discussed confidentially
w/your personal physician.
Robert C Bransfield MD
Alcoholism often runs in families.
The risk for alcoholism
in sons of alcoholic fathers is 25%.
The family link is weaker
for women, but is still a factor in many cases.
Genetics certainly
play a role in many people with alcoholism, but negative alcoholic behaviors by the parents can also be significant contributors
in the risk for alcoholism in the children.
They often play off
each other in a perpetuating & tragic spiral.
A 2002 study, reported
that alcoholic parents have a higher risk for being separated from their children &
such children then face a higher risk for alcoholism in adulthood. (A stable family & psychological health, however, cannot fully protect a person with a genetic risk.) Unfortunately,
there's no way to predict which members of alcoholic families are most at risk for alcoholism.
Menstrual Cycle Affects Depression Symptoms
For some, depression worsens in the week before...
Friday, Feb. 4 (HealthDayNews)
A new finding that the menstrual cycle can affect depressive symptoms could aid doctors in evaluating & treating women suffering from depression.
"Most women who have depression & most doctors who treat depression are unaware that symptoms of depression can fluctuate w/the menstrual cycle," study author Dr. Susan G. Kornstein, a professor of psychiatry & obstetrics-gynecology
at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, said in a prepared statement.
Her team tracked symptoms
in 433 women diagnosed w/major depression. They report that 64% of these women said their depression became worse in the 5 to 10 days before menses.
Women who reported this premenstrual
exacerbation (PME) of depressive symptoms also experienced a much longer duration (30.7 months) of depression than women who didn't have PME (13.5 months), the researchers added.
Women who reported PME tended
to be older & had more general medical problems than women w/out PME, according to the study.
"Based on our findings, this
type of symptom pattern is very common, especially in women who have chronic course depression. Identifying the fluctuation of depressive symptoms in a woman's menstrual cycle will help doctors better evaluate & treat women w/ depression," Kornstein said.
The study is published in
the current issue of Psychological Medicine.
More information
The National Mental Health Association has more about depression
in women (www.nmha.org ).
Women & Depression
The reasons why women are more prone
than men to depression is unknown. There are several factors though, that allow researchers to believe this is true:
Evidence and factors point to hormonal changes having a direct association to depression, but no concrete conclusions have been made by researchers.
Other factors affecting women
are the likelihood of women being more subject to "stressors" that trigger depression than are men.
- Women often have poorer job opportunities
- Lower wages for doing the same jobs as men
- Greater family responsibilities than do men
- Women need to juggle multiple roles
- Womens' roles are always growing in complexity
throughout midlife years
Researchers are focused on the inner
workings of the human brain and its relationship with mental illnesses. They have at this time discovered:
Psychiatric
Disorders
Severely depressed or anxious people are at high risk for alcoholism, smoking & other forms of addiction.
In a major study of alcohol-dependent people
78%
of men
86% of women
also suffered from an accompanying
psychiatric or substance abuse disorder.
Either anxiety or depression may increase the risk for self-medication with alcohol.
Depression is the most common psychiatric problem in people with alcoholism or substance abuse.
Estimates of
depression in people with alcoholism are as high as 67%.
Studies have
reported depression accompanies about 1/3 of all cases of alcoholism.
According to a 2000
study, e.g., the risk for heavy drinking in women who are depressed was 2.6 times greater than the risk in women who aren't depressed.
Specific anxiety disorders, such as post-traumatic stress syndrome & social anxiety, may pose particular risks for alcohol & substance abuse.
i.e., some evidence
suggests that 20% of people with social phobia abuse alcohol. Social phobia causes an intense fear of being publicly scrutinized & humiliated.
Such individuals
may use alcohol as a way to become less inhibited in public situations.
It should be noted,
however, that long-term alcoholism itself causes chemical changes that produce anxiety & depression.
In fact, a study
on elderly people with depression reported that when even moderate drinkers reduced consumption, their mood improved. It isn't always clear, then, whether
people with emotional disorders are self-medicating with alcohol or whether alcohol itself is producing mood swings.
Behavioral Disorders & Lack of Impulse Control.
Studies
are also finding that alcoholism is strongly related to impulsive, excitable & novelty-seeking behavior & such patterns are established early on.
Children who later become alcoholics or who abuse drugs are more likely to have less fear of new situations than others, even if there is a greater risk for harm than in nonalcoholics.
Specifically,
children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a condition that shares these behaviors, have a higher risk for alcoholism in adulthood. The risk is especially high in children with ADHD & conduct disorder.
Cultural, Ethnic & Economic Factors
Black Women & Mental Health
At the beginning of the
21st Century African American women find themselves achieving new heights & reaching new milestones. Education
& hard work has enabled them to achieve successful careers & respect in mainstream society. Despite this good news, Black women still find themselves lagging behind Whites
& other women in health & mental health indices.
For example, the
depression rate among African American women is estimated to be almost 50% higher than that of Caucasian women.
Black people account
for approximately 25% of the mental health needs in this country though they only make up 11- 12% of the national population.
To make matters worse,
only 2% of the nations psychologists are Black.
The rates of mental health
problems are higher than average for Black women because of psychological factors that result directly from their experience
as Black Americans. These experiences include racism, cultural alienation & violence & sexual exploitation.
Attitudes Toward Mental Health
It has historically
been difficult to treat mental health problems in African American women. One reason for this is that Black women tend to
minimize the serious nature of their problems. Many believe their symptoms are just the blues & aren't proactive in changing their condition.
There also exists
a stigma placed on mental health problems within the African American culture that they're a sign of personal weakness, not
a sickness.
Black Women & the Mental Health Profession
African American women
tend to rely on supports other than mental health services. There is a strong reliance on community, the support of family & the religious community during periods of emotional distress. Black women seek mental health care less than White women & when they do seek it, do so later in life & at later
stages of their illness.
Part of the explanation
for this is the poor service they often receive from mental health professionals who, historically, have consistently under-diagnosed
disorders like depression & over-diagnosed disorders like schizophrenia (see glossary) in the African American community.
In addition, because
of socioeconomic factors, Black women have limited access to health care compared to Whites.
The Importance of Black Psychology
Black Psychology
is the study of the psychological functioning of Black people. Some of the exciting & important research Black psychologists are doing today includes studying the importance of racial identity as a protective factor against depression & stress, studying the detrimental effects of racism & evaluating the effects of the media on the Black psyche.
Other research includes the evaluation of therapies appropriate for people of African descent
& the implementation of prevention programs for inner-city youth.
African American women are among the originators of important Black psychology concepts. Psychologist Dr. Linda James Myers is well known in the field for her contribution of Optimal Psychology.
This emphasizes achieving maximum mental health thru 3 main concepts:
-
holistic-spiritual
unity
-
communalism
-
proper
consciousness
It assumes that reality is spiritual
& material at once an idea congruent w/traditional African healing (Myers, 1991).
Dr. Francis Cress-Welsing is a well-known psychiatrist who provides
insights into the processes by which African Americans are made to feel inferior. According to Dr. Cress-Welsing (1991) these include:
Among the first Blacks in the U.S. to receive doctorate degrees in psychology, Dr. Mamie Clark
& her husband Dr. Kenneth Clark, in the 1930's asked how growing up in an environment of racism affected the psyche of
Black children. They found that Black children typically identified White dolls
as desirable & Black dolls as ugly.
These same children also stated that they resembled the undesirable Black dolls. This provided clear evidence that the racist environment of Black
children negatively affected their self-esteem.
Their research was instrumental in the landmark 1954 Brown vs. Board of Education Supreme Court
decision effectively overturning legal racial segregation in U.S. schools.
How to Improve Mental Health
To improve ones
mental health, Black psychologists & other mental health professionals agree that spirituality is a necessary concept in healing. Emphasizing spirituality creates attitudes that embrace hope & positivity. Some keys to optimal mental health include:
Know Thyself: A healthy identity is critical for overall good mental health. For women of African descent, this
means seeing themselves as the recipients of generations of collective wisdom & experience from African & African American culture.
Use Social Supports: Using social networks found in the family, neighborhood,
church, mosque, temple & community is how Black women seek healing thru others w/similar experiences. Currently, many
independent support groups for Black women are being created around the country.
Build Self-Confidence: This comes from action. Those who put forth
effort to achieve their positive ambitions must overcome fear & work hard. Regardless of how successful we are in the end, it's our determination & sense of control that gives us confidence in self.
Recognize Symptoms: No two people experience mental disorders
in the same manner. Symptoms will vary in severity & duration among different people.
For example, while feelings of worthlessness is a common symptom of depression in White women, changes in appetite is cited as a common sign of depression for Black women.
Develop an Attitude of Optimism: Those who think positively are greatly immune to the stress & feelings of depression common in everyday life.
An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure. Maintain
a good health especially when not sick. Most illnesses of the mind can be prevented by following the above daily so always
practice being hopeful, forgiving others & resisting stress.
Resources:
What
the Blues is All About: Black Women Overcoming Stress and Depression by Angela
Mitchell with Kennise Herring, Ph.D
References:
Cress-Welsing, F. (1991). The Isis papers:
The keys to the color. Chicago: Third
World Press.
Myers,
L.J. (1991). Expanding the psychology of knowledge optimally: The importance of world view revisited. In R.L. Jones (Ed.) Black Psychology, third edition (pp15-28). Berkeley:
Cobb and Henry.
George Leary, M.S.
Physical Illnesses Women are Prone to
the link between physical infirmity & mental illness
Fibromyalgia
Fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) is a pain-processing disorder of the neuromuscular system that causes mild to severe
pain throughout the body. It doesn't affect joints. Fibromyalgia, which means pain in the muscles, ligaments & tendons,
is especially confusing & often misunderstood. Its symptoms are common to many other conditions.
Aching or burning pain & fatigue are the most common & prominent FMS symptoms. Pain usually comes in
the form of tender points on the body where pain is the greatest. About 90 % of fibromyalgia sufferers have trouble sleeping, which leads to fatigue. Other symptoms include:
Physical or emotional trauma, hormonal changes, muscle abnormalities or common illnesses like influenza can cause FMS. If you have had pain in multiple areas of your body
for more than 3 months, tenderness at specific locations on your body, & fatigue, talk to your health care provider about
the possibility of FMS.
Although currently
there is no cure for fibromyalgia, often the pain can be effectively controlled w/a combination of treatments including:
Pain, in general, is under treated. Nowhere is this fact more significant
than in cancer pain management. There are many causes of cancer pain. Bone pain is one of the most common. Tumors pressing
on nerves also can cause pain, as can treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation & surgery.
Many patients & health care professionals fear that using narcotics for pain
relief leads to addiction. According to the American Pain Foundation, developing such an addiction is rare.
It's important to take pain medication regularly to keep pain under control. Furthermore,
cancer patients have become a model for the medical management of pain.
Pain management for patients w/cancer has shown that using a variety of analgesics,
especially opioids, narcotics such as opium or morphine, that dull the senses & relieve pain, can be given continuously w/out addiction becoming a major concern.
If you take opioids for pain, you may need increasing doses over time Narcotics must
be discontinued slowly because people who have used them for long periods can experience withdrawal symptoms if the medication is stopped abruptly.
©2000 National Womens's Health Resource Centers, Inc. (NWHRC). All rights reserved. Reproducing content
on this site in any form is prohibited without written permission. For more information, please contact: info@healthywomen.org.
Osteoporosis
There is a growing
awareness that women at a young age must realize how their behaviors can affect their chances of experiencing osteoporosis later in
their lives.
Lifestyle factors,
such as diet are now emphasized because researchers are saying this about risk factors for osteoporosis....
-
-
-
women who chronically diet
-
low weight & restrictive eating can lead to
significant bone loss at a young age
-
over-exercising which can lead to a loss of menstruation
These alarming
risk factors surround women as a population in general. Over-exercising produces a low estrogen state that's similar
to the post-menopausal women & there's an accelerated bone loss in this younger age group. So not only do they have bone
loss, but they may never reach their peak bone density.
This means that women at high risk need a bone
density test; increased calcium intake & stop over-exercising.
"He's Out of Work & I'm Out of Patience"
Will hostility, a lack of communication & career failure tear Marcy & Howard's marriage apart?
By Cynthia Hanson
She Says
Her turn: "My
husband never listens to me," said Marcy, 42, a marketing director & mother of two. "Howard hears the little things, like if I ask him to turn
down the TV, but when it comes to major issues he tunes me out. His indifference is why we are constantly at odds.
I'm angry that he doesn't meet my emotional needs; he insists that my expectations are unrealistic.
"Howard's parents & older
sister have always ignored me. Believe it or not, in the 20-odd years I've known them, none of them has ever asked me a direct question about myself. Yet whenever
I complain to Howard, he says I'm too sensitive.
"But my biggest disappointment is with Howard's mismanagement of the 3 jewelry stores he owned. They began to fail two years ago, partly because of the weak economy, partly because of his own mistakes. It was clear then that the businesses
were doomed & I begged Howard to cut our financial losses.
But he was convinced that
things would turn around & when they didn't, he became distant & argumentative. I was so frustrated by his stubbornness & terrified that we'd lose our life's savings. I didn't earn much as a part-time marketing consultant, so I
began looking for a full-time job. Luckily, I was hired by my main client, a computer software company.
"Howard has been unemployed
for two months now. He mopes around the house, channel surfing & 'polishing' his resume. He seems oblivious to our expenses
& debt, as well as to the fact that our daughter's bat mitzvah, which will cost a fortune, is just nine months away.
Sadly, our problems have affected the kids: Ellen has sleeping problems & is worried we'll cancel her bat mitzvah; Steven avoids us by sulking in his room.
"I'm the youngest of 3 kids
from a troubled family. Dad was a dentist, Mom a school nurse. They divorced when I was 12 - Mom got sick of Dad's drinking
& womanizing - leaving Mom to raise us alone. Money was tight & her stress was so high that she either screamed at us or ignored us. I was estranged from Dad for 20 years, but he resurfaced after
I had children; now we see each other at family events.
"Howard & I met at a college
party. I was 19; he was 21. There were instant sparks - we discussed books, politics, movies - & I loved his shy smile & hazel eyes. Our personalities were different, but complementary: I'm outgoing, emotional & blunt; he's reserved
& laid-back. Both of us looked forward to pursuing challenging careers, living in the suburbs & raising a family.
"We dated for 5 years while
we each got an MBA. After our wedding, we moved to New York City, where I took a marketing job at an investment bank &
Howard worked as a financial analyst. We played tennis, traveled, saw plays & had great sex. Our life was conflict-free. Even now, when Howard is in a good mood, there's no one I'd rather be with. He's smart, funny & a devoted father.
"Howard's family owned a jewelry
business in Hartford, Connecticut, and after our second anniversary, he decided to join it. The two stores were successful; moreover, Howard's father, Max, was approaching retirement age, so we figured Howard would soon take over. The downside
was that we had to move to Hartford. I'd never felt accepted by my in-laws, but the real trouble started when we had to spend more time together.
I'd try to join their conversations, but if they didn't agree with something I said, they'd turn verbally abusive. I kept waiting for Howard to intervene, but he didn't, preferring to fight with me at home later rather than defend me to
his parents & sister.
"The situation didn't improve
even after we had kids. As grandparents, my in-laws play favorites. Howard's mother, Shirley, buys holiday clothes for her
daughter's children but not for ours. Our kids see this because their cousins flaunt their new clothes at family dinners.
But when I asked Howard to speak to his mother about it, he called me 'petty.'
"The worst episode occurred
a year ago. Shirley & Max said they planned to give our kids their Hanukkah presents at Yom Kippur in October because
they would be out of town in December. Howard & I asked them to mail the gifts instead - we didn't want Ellen & Steven
to open gifts two months early. After dinner Max started distributing the presents, so I whispered, 'Say something,' to Howard.
He remained silent, so I seized control. 'We're not doing this,' I declared. 'Get your coats, kids. We're leaving.' Shirley burst into tears, and my sister-in-law
spewed obscenities at me. Still, Howard said nothing. We drove home in silence & I didn't speak to him for a week. I told
him I'd never go to his family's homes again.
"His job loss is the last
straw. Seven years ago Max had yet to give him a raise & showed no inclination to retire, so I endorsed Howard's decision
to leave his dad's business & open a jewelry store in the suburbs. I was involved from the start, handling the bookkeeping,
helping out behind the counter & offering suggestions on hiring & marketing.
The first store did well,
so 4 years later he opened another. The next year he added a 3rd, even though I thought he was expanding too quickly. Then a chain store moved into the area & Howard couldn't compete. His poor hiring decisions
became a time-consuming problem. Despite declining sales, Howard thought customers would return for the personal service his
staff provided, but over a two-year period, he kept losing money, customers & employees - until he finally closed the
last store.
"Since then he has been bitter & despondent. He isn't interested in job hunting & he just zones out if I offer to help with networking or writing
cover letters. The more passive he is, the more aggressive I become, screaming & slamming doors. I hate myself for acting this way, but I can't seem to help it. Last week, after another blowup over his job search, I fell apart.
'I'm tired of being emotionally abandoned,' I sobbed. 'Come to counseling with me, or it's over.'"
He Says
His turn: "My business failure has aggravated the long-standing conflict in our marriage," said Howard, 44, with a heavy sigh. "Marcy says I give too little; I say she expects too much."
"Marcy portrays me as the
source of our problems, but she bears half the blame. One minute we're having a simple disagreement; the next she's calling me hateful names and dredging up my past transgressions. I've been hurt by Marcy's unfair & hostile criticisms -- most of which center on her anger that I don't follow her instructions for running my business or handling my family. If I think Marcy is right, I'll act. But if I don't, I won't. This drives her crazy.
"Losing my stores has caused
me deep anguish; I feel as though I've failed Marcy. The worse things got at work, the more my mood soured & the more we argued about how I was managing the stores
-- or, as Marcy believes, mismanaging them.
"Growing up, I was on good
terms with my parents, but their shortcomings frustrated me. Mom is self-centered, demanding & hard to please. Dad is domineering. I gather they paid a lot of attention to my sister when she was small,
but by the time I came along - I'm 8 years younger - they were so involved with the jewelry store they had very little time
for me.
They never encouraged me to speak up for myself & they refused to discuss anything negative.
"From the moment I met Marcy
I could barely tear myself away from her. She's petite, with auburn hair, blue eyes & adorable dimples. As we talked about
our college classes & debated current events, she asked challenging questions, defended her opinions & was a great listener.
This was the type of conversation
I'd been starved for my whole life! I knew immediately I wanted to marry her."
"Marcy is right that I haven't
defended her to my family. That's because I think she often overreacts. If Mom annoys me, I walk away. That's my style, my way of keeping the peace. So what if she buys holiday clothes for my nieces & nephew?
Life's not a scorecard. My
parents have been extremely generous to us in other ways & I won't make a fuss over a dress. I admit they acted atrociously on Yom Kippur & so did I.
It was wrong of me to stay on the sidelines, but in the heat of the moment, I felt overwhelmed.
I didn't know how to restore
order, let alone smooth hurt feelings. Although I've repeatedly apologized, Marcy refuses to visit my parents' or sister's homes -- an extreme response, in my
opinion. What kind of an example are we setting for our children?
"In terms of my employment
situation, I wish Marcy would stop berating me about my business failure & badgering me about looking for a job. I need
more time to mourn my loss before I launch an aggressive search. What I don't need is her pressuring me or helping me write
letters. Still, in spite of everything we've endured these past two years, I love Marcy & don't want to lose her. If marriage
counseling will help, I'll gladly try it.
The Counselor Says
The counselor's turn:
"Job loss creates tremendous emotional & financial stress," said the counselor. "It's particularly difficult when people find their lifestyle jeopardized. Many in this situation become
angry at the world - or at their spouse, especially if that person's behavior has contributed either to the loss of the job or
the continued lack of one.
The problem for
this couple was compounded because to Marcy, Howard's refusal to listen to her business advice was one more manifestation of the core problem in their relationship: He ignored her concerns about important issues.
"Howard, for his part, thought Marcy was too hard on him. He wanted time to grieve the loss of his stores & felt she was unrealistic about how quickly he would be able to land a new job.
"Initially I convinced Marcy
to change her communication style. She verbally attacked Howard about everything & in some early sessions he interrupted her by saying, 'Are you going to let me talk?'
Observing their interaction,
I could easily visualize how their conflicts played out at home. The more Marcy criticized Howard, the less he responded. Nothing could be accomplished with the emotional volume running so high.
To help Marcy calm down, I allowed her to vent - in a quiet voice - & share examples of Howard's transgressions, rather than make wild accusations.
The more I listened to her, the more I agreed that she had some legitimate grievances. That reassured her & she relaxed enough to have productive counseling sessions.
"Next, I urged the couple
to make the link between their behaviors & the attitudes they developed from their parents. As a girl, Marcy's emotional needs weren't met & she hoped to fill that void in her marriage. She had unresolved anger at her father for abandoning the family & she directed some of that toward Howard.
Whenever she discussed her
past, Marcy sobbed for several minutes; I gave her permission to grieve the loss of a happy childhood & over time she came to see that her high & sometimes unreasonable, expectations of Howard & his family were the result of her past. Once she understood the depth of her anger toward her father, she was able to stop projecting it onto Howard.
"Howard claimed he kept quiet
in order to avoid confrontation. I explained that he learned this behavior as a boy, when his parents wouldn't allow disagreements. Yet this
approach was counterproductive: The more he avoided discussion, the more enraged Marcy became.
After Howard complained about
his demanding mother, I helped him understand that by distancing himself from Marcy & ignoring her concerns, he was unconsciously punishing his mother. 'You need to cut Marcy some slack,' I told him. 'It's not as if she's demanding
material things. She's asking you to be more fully engaged in your relationship & to respect her judgment enough to heed it.'
"I urged Howard to mourn the loss of his business & look for work simultaneously. With a family to support, he couldn't mope indefinitely. Marcy
was entitled to 'expect' Howard to conduct an aggressive job search & she was justifiably worried about finances. I advised Howard to approach his job search as if it were a job in itself & after a few weeks
of counseling, he did that.
Two months later, he found
a new position as a financial analyst in the retail industry. It's not ideal - the commute is long & the salary is half
what he earned at his peak - but he feels better about himself & Marcy is relieved to have stabilized their finances. I advised both of them not to dwell on Howard's business failure. 'Marcy shouldn't continue to lambaste Howard,' I said ' & Howard shouldn't beat himself up emotionally. Otherwise, you'll
remain bitter & never move forward.'
"Most important, each spouse had to accept responsibility for their marital problems. Over time Marcy realized that screaming at Howard was fruitless; he realized that tuning her
out was equally destructive. When she toned it down, he began to listen.
"Another thing that had to
stop was Howard's allowing his parents & sister to pick on Marcy. He was upset by Marcy's refusal to go to their houses
again after the Yom Kippur incident. 'You don't defend your wife, then get mad because she won't return for more abuse?' I asked. 'What do you expect?'
Eventually Howard called his
mother & sister to discuss the problem; they apologized to Marcy (albeit a bit grudgingly)
& their relationship has now improved sufficiently that Marcy celebrated Passover with them. Howard has promised to defend
Marcy if his family gets out of line again & she realizes that even though they'll never be close, they can be civil to one another.
"Today Marcy and Howard's
marriage is back on track. Once the couple's hostility subsided, their daughter overcame her sleep issues (& celebrated her bat mitzvah, paid for with money saved before Howard's business collapsed)
& their son stopped withdrawing. 'I've learned that relationships require constant nurturing,' Howard told me recently.
'Counseling helped me rediscover the Marcy I fell in love with so many years ago. I'm glad we got this second chance.'"
"Can This Marriage Be Saved?" is the most enduring women's magazine feature in the world. This month's
case is based on interviews with clients & information from the files of Stephen Betchen, DSW, a licensed marriage counselor
& certified sex therapist in Cherry Hill, New Jersey & author of Intrusive Partners -- Elusive Mates: The Pursuer-Distancer
Dynamic in Couples. The story told here is true, although names & other details have been changed to conceal identities.
"Can This Marriage Be Saved?" is a registered trademark of Meredith Corporation.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, August, 2005.
Latino women finding a place in Islam
‘I am doing this for God,’ one convert says
By Carmen Sesin
Reporter
NBC News
Updated: 4:15 p.m. ET Sept. 30, 2005
UNION CITY, N.J. — On a hot summer day, Stefani Perada left work for the day in West New York,
N.J., & stepped outside in her long jilbab, the flowing clothes worn by many Muslim women.
Meanwhile, other Latinas in the mostly Hispanic neighborhood were taking advantage of the warm day, walking
around in shorts & midriff-exposing halter tops.
Perada, 19, who converted to Islam just over a year ago, is still trying to become acclimated to certain customs,
such as the jilbab & the hijab, which covers her head & hair.
"Mostly it's because of how your friends & family are going to look at you," she said. "They look at you
like, ‘Why is she wearing that, it’s so hot.’”
But, she said, “I am doing this for God & one day I'll be rewarded for what I am doing.”
And there's an immediate benefit: She's not harassed as much by men when she walks down the street.
“You know how guys [say], ‘Hey Mami, come over here?’ I used to always hate that. I would cross the street just to get away. Now you still get some guys that are still curious, but it’s much less,” she explained.
“They're going to look at me for me & not for my body.”
Growing number of converts?
Perada isn't alone as a Hispanic women converting to Islam.
The exact number of Latino Muslims is difficult to determine, because the U.S. Census Bureau doesn't collect
information about religion. However, according to estimates conducted by national Islamic organizations such as the Council
for American Islamic Relations (CAIR) & the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) there are approximately 40,000 Latino
Muslims in the United States.
Likewise, it is difficult to break-down the number of Latino converts to Islam into male versus female. But,
according to anecdotal evidence & a survey conducted by the Latino American Dawah Organization (LADO), whose mission is
to promote Islam within the Latino community in the United States, the number of Latinos converting to Islam tilts slightly
in favor of women — with 60% women to 40% men.
Juan Galvan, the head of LADO in Texas & the co-author of a report "Latino Muslims: The Changing Face of
Islam in America," explained that those numbers are unscientific, but based on the results of a voluntary survey that has been conducted on the LADO website since 2001.
“From observation & experience those numbers are correct,” Galvan said. “From my personal experience,
there are definitely more Latina Muslims than Latino men.” Galvan explained said that there “just seem to be more”
Latina Muslims at the various events he attends through his work with LADO.
At the Islamic Education Center of North Hudson, 300 of the people who attend the mosque are converts &
80% are Latino converts. In addition, out of the Latino converts, 60% are women, according to Nylka Vargas, who works at the
mosque with the Educational Outreach Program.
Overall growth
Peter Awn, an Islamic studies professor at Columbia University,
says there is no doubt that the number of Latinos converting to Islam is growing.
Louis Cristillo, an anthropologist who focuses on Islamic education at Columbia University, points out there
are several indicators that reflect the growing trend of Latinos converting to Islam.
For example, there are a number of regional & national organizations that cater to Latino Muslims &
there are even support groups that can be found on-line specifically for Latino converts — in particular Hispanicmuslims.com, as well the LADO organization at latinodawah.org.
In fact, last weekend, Latino Muslims in this country celebrated the 3rd annual Hispanic Muslim Day with different
activities throughout the day.
For women, particular challenges
Converting to Islam can be shocking for families who are largely
Catholic & harbor stereotypes of Muslims, specifically concerning women.
Perada says her mother, who is Colombian, accepted her decision to convert because she never really pushed her into Catholicism. However, her father, who is of Italian origin,
has had a tough time dealing with it.
“Sometimes he says things about the way I dress,” said Perada. “He’ll say, ‘Why do you
have to dress that way. I’m Christian. I don’t walk around with a cross in my hand.'
“He always complains to my mom about it, but with me he just keeps it to himself. But I know for him it's very
hard,” Perada added.
Vargas, 30, from
the Islamic Education Center, is of Ecuadorian & Peruvian descent. She says her family is already accustomed to the idea
of her being Muslim, since it has already been 10 years since she converted. But she recalls the days in which her family
was dealing with the initial shock of her new faith.
“When I started
being more visible, that’s when things started getting weird. My sisters couldn’t understand why I would cover myself. They thought I was being oppressed or brainwashed,” said Vargas.
She admits it was
difficult at first to adjust to certain customs, such as wearing the hijab or a headscarf & having to pray 5 times a day.
“First it
felt kind of weird to be covered, but after a while it [the headscarf] becomes your hair. I refer to my hijab as my hair.”
‘A return
to traditional values’
Like other ethnic groups, Latinos convert for a variety of reasons.
Some, says Cristillo,
grew up in inner-city areas ravaged by poverty, drugs & prostitution & were attracted in part by the fact that some
Islamic communities were very active in cleaning up the neighborhoods.
Vargas, meanwhile,
says she questioned many things about the Catholic faith in which she was raised & felt an emptiness in Christianity.
Galvan, from LADO,
pointed out that many people come to Islam thru people that they know, "friends, co-workers, classmates, boyfriends or husbands.”
Professor Awn said
that many Latinas find there is a greater sense of economic & social stability in Islam & that it also represents
“a return to traditional values.”
In that regard,
Awn does not think Islam is any more patriarchal than other traditional religions, but recognized that “the younger generation is looking for a more progressive form of Islam."
And Perada does
not feel that her adherence to the Muslim faith restricts her freedoms as a woman.
“If
I get married, I know I'm going to work, but I'm going to be there for my kids, too,” said Perada, dismissing any notions
that Islam would prevent her from living the life of any other modern woman.
Carmen Sesin is an assignment editor on the NBC News Foreign Desk.
Special Report: Energy Crisis
By Kate Hanley
Having
trouble getting out of bed? Wish you could put your head down on your desk for some shut-eye after lunch? You're certainly not alone -- "energy" is at the top of the list of frequently used search words at iVillage.com.
In this roundtable discussion,
4 experts from 4 distinct disciplines share their views on why Americans are suffering an energy crisis & what we can
do to relax, rejuvenate & renew.
In your experience, what's the #1
cause of fatigue?
Joan Borysenko, PhD,
Psychologist: People are so busy they don't sleep enough. We are an incredibly sleep deprived nation. And we're losing out on sleep because we shortchange ourselves to give to others. Then we end up exhausted &
trying to do for others from a depleted place.
Elizabeth Somer, MS,
RD, Registered Dietician: Several things contribute to fatigue, but the first thing is eating erratically. By that I mean skipping meals, especially breakfast & taking in too much sugar & caffeine.
When you skip breakfast, you're much more likely to battle physical & mental fatigue during the day. If you grab a doughnut, a Pop Tart or a
cup of coffee, you feel good temporarily, but then your energy takes a nosedive.
I've also learned that people
who are tired all the time are often just dehydrated. The first symptom of dehydration is
fatigue.
Kenneth Cohen, Qigong
Scholar & Teacher: A lack of downtime. Society today believes that people need to be constantly productive. Our bodies are in overdrive. Our stress response has become chronic.
Our ancestors would have brief
periods of nervous-system overdrive when they encountered danger. Today, the stresses never seem to disappear. The residual
effects of stress - low energy, nonrestorative sleep, libido that's too high or too low & anxiety disorders - are epidemic in the U.S.
Mark Hyman, MD, Holistic
Doctor: People don't realize that food & energy are connected. I recommend people look carefully at how they nourish themselves on a physical & a spiritual level.
Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, trans fats & processed foods are all energy depleting. Sugar particularly depletes your energy because it raises insulin levels
& blood sugar goes up & down, causing fluctuation of energy.
It creates insulin resistance,
a big problem that affects conservatively 50 to 100 million Americans. The symptoms are feeling hungry all the time, craving carbs or sweets, gaining weight around the middle & experiencing hypoglycemic
symptoms - shaking when you haven't eaten for a while & irritability.
It can lead to panic attacks, cognitive problems, memory deficit, risk of heart disease, cancer & Alzheimer's.
Are the causes different for women?
Joan Borysenko:
For women, the biggest cause of fatigue is the inability to say no. When we say yes to ourselves we feel guilty because we're going to have to say no to someone else. Out of compassion, we tend to give ourselves away to everybody else.
You have to really learn to
discern when you need to say no, because if you give any more of yourself away, you're going to start losing energy, losing focus & making
yourself crazy.
Women need to understand clearly the difference between compassion & codependence. You can't solve other people's life problems
by continuing to give to them. If they can't stand on their own 2 feet, your picking up the pieces for them is going to disempower
them.
That distinction isn't
pre-wired. It has to be learned.
Elizabeth Somer:
Women tend to battle sugar cravings more than men. Women are also more tuned in to their bodies' feelings & energy levels.
Men can eat junk -- they just don't realize it's affecting them as much. Men also eat more so they are less likely to have
deficiencies.
Depending on what study you read,
anywhere from 20 to 80% of women in their menstrual years are iron deficient. They may not be anemic, but they're tired, they
can't think, they're not sleeping well & they're more susceptible to colds. They reach for coffee but what they need is iron.
Kenneth Cohen:
Just by virtue of their biology, women have always been more attuned to slower and more natural cycles, so I think women are
even more adversely affected by the pace of life today.
Mark Hyman:
Women tend to have more carb problems, more thyroid problems and tend to be more sensitive to adrenal stresses. It's partly
biological, but partly psychological.
Women are more
sensitive to their bodies, and when something's not working they tend to pay attention, whereas men will ignore symptoms until
they're almost dead.
What simple things do you recommend
for getting your energy back?
Joan Borysenko:
From a spiritual point of view, we have to do more of what makes us feel connected and less of what makes us feel disconnected.
My prescription is being out in nature. It's why I live on top of a mountain. We can't all live in a gorgeous place, but we
can bring nature inside. Being close to natural beauty, even if it's a vase of flowers, has a way of restoring our energy.
You also have to be clear with your boundaries. What you hear on my answering machine is that you may hear back
from me and you may not, it could take months and please don't take it personally. You have to tell people the truth about
your life and let them deal with that accordingly.
Elizabeth Somer:
Start eating breakfast, even if you're not hungry. You should be hungry in the morning -- it's been 8 to 12 hours since you
ate. Eat every four or five hours throughout the day. Bring food with you so you don't end up at the vending machine.
Combine quality
carbs with a little bit of protein at every meal -- whole grain cereal with milk for breakfast, a bowl of vegetable soup and half a turkey
sandwich at lunch, salmon, brown rice and a vegetable for dinner.
Drink your water earlier in
the day rather than later so you're not up all night running to the bathroom. Make sure that you get several sources of iron
rich foods throughout the day, such as lean red meat, chicken, fish, cooked beans and peas.
Satisfy your sweet tooth with
fruit and other real foods -- for example, a dried, pitted prune with an almond inside tastes like a sweet, chewy candy bar.
Quit drinking coffee after about one in the afternoon, because it may be interfering with your sleep, making you tired before
you even get started. And try a solid, moderate-dose multivitamin and mineral supplement to fill the gaps on those days when
you don't eat perfectly.
Kenneth Cohen:
We can't control some things, like the pace of our life and the needs of our job, but we can change our reaction to them.
I teach people how to relax. It sounds like a cliche but it's not simple. In Chinese medicine
there's a concept called "sinking and relaxing" that I teach my patients. When you are sitting at work or standing in line
at the movies, imagine all tension in your body is flowing downstream like water on a hillside. Imagine the tension in your
face and neck sinking down and out through the feet. Then focus on the tension in the shoulders, back, organs, hips, buttocks
and thighs until you reach the feet.
Something else we can do to change our response to stress and
make us feel more in control is to slow down our breathing. The average resting respiratory rate in the United States is 17
breaths per minute. The optimal rate of resting respiration is about seven breaths per minute. The best way to slow down the
breath is with something called belly breathing. When you inhale, let the diaphragm drop and the belly move out as the air
flows in. Allow it to happen very gently -- it's not something to force. When we let the belly expand, it may not look as
good as our flat-belly-obsessed society would like, but our breathing is much deeper and slower. When our breathing slows,
our pace slows, our stress hormones drop, and we eventually become more intuitive, creative and aware.
Mark Hyman: Change your diet. Cut
out sugar, alcohol, caffeine and trans fats. Eat protein in the morning to reduce cravings for carbs later
in the day. Eat more fiber, more omega-three fats, more whole foods and stop eating three hours before bed. You
can see huge changes really quickly in terms of energy and weight loss. It's often dramatic.
Regular exercise is critical -- even just taking a walk -- and
so is sleep. I can't tell you how many people who come to see me tell me they're tired. When I ask them how much they sleep,
they say six hours. Take a good multivitamin to get over being nutritionally stressed. And finally, find ways
to deal with stress, such as yoga, meditation or other mind-body therapies.
But the most important thing for people to realize is they need
to listen to their body, even when they don't like what it is saying. When you're tired, pay attention and do whatever you
need to feel better. We have a biological need for periods of rest and restoration. I encourage people not to see it as a
lack of productivity but as essential to their productivity.
What do you do when your own energy is flagging?
Joan Borysenko: I go for a walk
outside. If it's in the middle of a busy workday, you will often find me taking a five-minute break, doing laps up and down
my driveway. I also drink a bunch of water.
Elizabeth Somer: I eat regularly.
There is also a type of fatigue I feel that's a bone-draining fatigue. When I feel that way I know I'm dehydrated. I drink
three or four glasses of water and wait an hour.
Kenneth Cohen: I do tai chi. It doesn't take a lot of energy to do, but it gives you a lot
of energy back. I also like to go out into nature. If my energy gets low, just being outside in natural sunlight is wonderful
for restoring energy. I also listen to music that I feel is uplifting. I'm a Mozart fanatic.
Mark Hyman: I have a secret treatment
I give myself that's phenomenally effective. I take a steam shower, very hot, for 10 minutes. Then I fill the tub with really
cold water and sit in the tub. It brings me right back to where I was first thing in the morning. The process takes 15 minutes
and I get about three or four hours of energy from it.
About the Panelists
Mark Hyman,
MD, is a medical codirector of Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires and coauthor of Ultraprevention: The Six-Week Plan That
Will Make You Healthy for Life. His Website is UltraPrevention.com.
Elizabeth Somer, MA, RD, is author of Nutrition for a Healthy
Pregnancy, Food and Mood and coauthor of The Nutrition Desk Reference.
Kenneth Cohen has more than 35 years of experience as a scholar
and practitioner of Chinese and Native American medicine. He is the author of The Way of Qigong, Honoring the
Medicine and more than 200 journal articles. His Website is QiGongHealing.com.
Joan Borysenko, PhD, is cofounder and former director of the
Mind-Body clinical programs and two Harvard Medical School training hospitals, and the best-selling author of Minding
the Body, Mending the Mind. Her Website is JoanBorysenko.com.
unfeeling? have you been experiencing a "numbness" or someone has described you as "unfeeling?" if so - read my personal commentary concerning Disenfranchised
Dads article - top - righthand column - by clicking here!
|
 |
|
visit anxieties 102 for a new section for those
experiencing the "crazies" from menopause... click here to go there now!
Hi Ladies!
I've been upgrading this
site and it's refreshing for me to see my own personal growth since I first put this page up several years ago. It's so difficult
for me to keep up with the growth of this network, but it's an eternal challenge I've committed to! I'm happy about that,
it's always a learning experience which is something I believe we, as human beings, need to include into our lives daily.
Since my initial experience with learning my diagnosis and
starting to research mental health and the scope of what mental illness means in the life of women, especially.... after all
that's me! I've learned so much it's almost impossible to describe to you all. I'd like to change this page a bit so that
you can attest to the power and strength of women in the world and understand why I leave the title of this page the same
- Women... overwhelmed!
Women do make the world go 'round! It's quite obvious that
we are responsible for all important matters in the world. We give birth and raise up future generations who will be responsible
with what we have given them to carry on in the world once we've passed. That alone is huge! It hasn't been important until
the inevitable chaos began to become known - the state of our world and economy today - that what has been being taught to
the people isn't worth much at all. Somewhere the importance of moral values and strength in character was lost.
I do believe whole heartedly that with GREED rising up above all concerns to human beings today that it's time that women pulled in the reigns and
began to re-parent those already parented in the old ways and even re-parent ourselves so that we know what is truly of importance
and of utmost concern in the world today and dissolve what has been learned until GREED
has been obliterated. GREED being perhaps the worst of the seven deadly sins had ruined
more than one generation in bringing our world to where it is today.
What have our men been reaching for?
What have women been reaching for?
What have our children been reaching for?
For generations now, everyone has been reaching for money,
power and greed. Now our children are suffering. Our husbands, fathers, leaders and partners are suffering. We, as women are
totally overwhelmed and suffering. Our focus has been on the wrong thing!
Now everyone in the world is looking for new leaders with
new focus and new beliefs to lead us out of the horrendous situation our world is in. Do you agree with me? Think about our
children. They are depressed and anxious and killing themselves or hurting themselves. Adults are leading the right into it.
Did you see the documentary about the families in the state of Ohio who were all drug dependent on heroin except for the toddler?
There are thousands of these cases. People who have lost
all hope. They've lost everything they owned and are hopeless because they have self medicated on drugs or alcohol. Some have
gambled themselves into poverty. Some have shopped themselves into the ground. Business saw the greed growing within the people
and they exploited the injustice even more by building greedier businesses that would cause the whole financial system to
collapse so they could become the richest. It's been a picture being painted of what many people consider, "the end times."
And now that I've painted the proverbial picture that isn't the least bit fanatical... who
are people reaching for now? Who do people expect to keep it all together for them and get things back to peacefulness and
equality? People are looking to the new President, but they are also looking towards women! Look at who was running for not
only President of the United States, but also the position of Vice President. Not only was Sarah Palin asked to suddenly drop
everything in her life to campaign with John McCain - she was expected to take the reigns with her pregnant teenage daughter,
her other children, new baby, and her husband as well as maintain her present position as Governor - and be good at everything
and look exceptionally good every minute while doing it.
The poor women was under every single persons' microscope!
I wasn't a Sarah Palin lover,
but I felt for her. I could never imagine being in her position and feeling the way I do with post traumatic stress disorder.
What if I got triggered by something someone said? I'd have to leave the room... area... or whatever and get alone. Things
happen to us as women. I have a daughter who is almost fifteen and she tells me that she wants to die. She hates her life.
After she refocuses in her room for about 30 minutes she comes out and says, "Mom... will you take me to Old Navy and buy
me some new flip flops?"
Like that's going to make
her world brighter? No! It's not! I bought her everything she's asked for and she's still miserable about her boyfriend, her
friends, her lack of friends, her room isn't big enough, and there's a long list. I just got really bummed out listening to
her. I have her in counseling and a teens group counseling. She goes once a week. She just got suspended from school twice
in a month. She was defending herself when another girl started a fight with her, but she still gets suspended for defending
herself.
Life is hard as a woman. Everyone depends upon you for everything!
I'm tired of it. It takes up all of my time and no one every appreciates anything you do. I'm changing though. I am not allowing
anyone to abuse me anymore. I know about my mental illnesses and I'm working on treating them. It's easier than it used to
be but still... being a woman - untaught on how to be a healthy woman - is tough. Fifty years of unhealthy living and then
suddenly you get an education and it's tough... I like changing, but it's tough.
it's in the news...
& very important additional resources....
very important article! keep your daughter from experiencing a very traumatic event!
1/16/06
Forget the scale, the calorie counting & forbidden foods. They may be
doing more harm than good
By Amanda Spake / US News.com
Women's Top 5 Health Concerns : From heart disease to breast cancer to depression,
WebMD gives you the inside info on why women are at high risk for these problems but may not know it. Part 2 of a 2-part series
on men's and women's biggest health concerns.
Men vs. Women: Whose Health Is Better? :People Tend to Think the Other Sex Is Healthier
Babies Do Fine When Mom Works : Working Mothers Tend to Neglect Housework, Not Children, Study Shows
Is Your Life Running You Ragged?: You take care of your kids, your parents, your job, your home
-- but what about yourself? Find out whether your balancing act needs a tune-up in Part 1 of WebMD's 2-part series on achieving
better work-life balance.
Stressful events elicit different hormones & learning experiences in female vs. male rats
Researchers found that in
female rats, stressful events raise levels of the ovarian steroid hormone estradiol & impair associative learning.
In male rats, by contrast, similar stressful events result in elevations of adrenal steroids & enhanced learning. These distinct hormonal responses to stress in female vs. male rats & the associated differences in learning rates suggest that the brain mechanisms underlying some
forms of learning may differ in females & males.
Beat The Paper Mountain
Wherever you work, it's amazing how easy it is to accumulate
paper, even in this age of electronic communications. Paper everywhere & no space to work. The answer? Have a regular
purge. Go on do it! Allow yourself the pleasure & discover how therapeutic it can be.
Men & women may have different behavioral & neuroendocrine
responses to stress.
Other NIMH-supported researchers
have theorized that females & males respond differently to stressful situations. The "fight-or-flight," response - widely regarded as a prototype of a stress response has been disproportionately based on studies of males, the researchers note.
They identified a female stressful response pattern of "tend-&-befriend" (also noted above) & suggest that the pattern
involving nurturing & protective behaviors may have evolved to protect offspring from harm.
Animal studies provide support
for the proposal that these responses depend in part on the hormones oxytocin & estrogen as well as the brain's own opiates
to reduce responses to stress in the sympathetic nervous system & the HPA axis.
In a large community sample,
researchers found that while the overall risk of developing PTSD after exposure to a trauma was 9%, the risk was more than twice as great for women (13%) as for men (6%).
The gender disparity in
PTSD remained even when controlling for the type of trauma experienced. Exposure to multiple traumas & experiencing interpersonal violence as a child also placed both women & men at increased risk for PTSD, but women's greater exposure to sexual violence may contribute to the gender disparity in rates of PTSD.
Eating disorders form distinctive symptom clusters w/different risk factors & heritability.
Early results in a study designed
to determine the genetic & diagnostic predictors of eating disorders indicate that the disordered eating symptoms of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, & binge eating each form distinctive
natural clusters that include subclinical conditions.
The disorders' heritability
& the subjects' age cohort also influenced individuals' estimates of their current body size, their desired body size & their body dissatisfaction.
Brain serotonin may be linked to eating disorders in women.
Evidence from NIMH-funded studies suggests that
a key brain transmitter system, serotonin, may be altered in women w/anorexia nervosa & bulimia, both when they are ill & after recovery.
Using positron emission
tomography (PET) scanning, NIMH investigators are exploring whether brain receptors for serotonin function abnormally in women w/bulimia & anorexia. Understanding biologic vulnerabilities such as serotonin disturbance will contribute to developing treatments for these often chronic & deadly disorders. These
studies will also clarify the role of serotonin in complex behaviors.
Young black & white women differ in eating disorders risk.
To test the belief that eating disorders are more frequent among white than black women, 1628 black women & 5741 white women were surveyed by telephone to identify
the presence of binge eating & extreme weight-control behaviors, such as vomiting, laxative or diuretic abuse, or fasting.
The study also examined racial
differences in two important clinical correlates of recurrent binge eating:
Comparable numbers of black
women & white women reported binge eating at least once during the preceding 3 months. However, significantly more black
women than white women reported recurrent binge eating, which indicates a more clinically severe eating disorder.
Black women were also significantly
more likely to report fasting, laxative abuse, or diuretic abuse. Regardless of race, women w/recurrent binge eating disorder reported significantly more psychiatric symptoms than did control subjects & were more likely to be overweight.
These results challenge the
widely held view that black women are immune to developing eating disorders & indicate the potential for correlated physical & mental health problems.
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Significant unmet mental health needs of women uncovered in diverse health care settings.
An NIMH sponsored study found that:
- more than 70% of mothers bringing a child to a child
mental health clinic had untreated depressive & anxiety disorders themselves
- 60% of these ill women hadn't been diagnosed previously
In addition, most of the mothers
didn't seek treatment & when referred for treatment, failed to follow through w/it.
Similar findings were discovered
among women in public-sector gynecology clinics, where a recent study examined the mental health needs of 205 ethnically diverse,
young women, all either uninsured or receiving public medical assistance.
Current mental disorders were
assessed through a structured interview using the Prime-MD, an instrument designed to diagnose mood, anxiety, alcohol & eating disorders in medical patients. Any history of sexual or other physical assault was also recorded. The rates of current psychiatric disorders were found to be extremely high; for example:
Many reported behaviors that
pose serious health risks; for example:
- 32% smoked
- 2% used illicit drugs
Fewer than half, however,
had access to comprehensive primary medical care.
Mental illness & substance abuse problems hamper women's welfare-to-work transition.
Based upon a national survey,
researchers have determined that 19% of welfare recipients meet diagnostic criteria for a disabling psychiatric disorder.
About the same percentage
reported using illicit drugs.
Because of the new work requirements
& the time-limited nature of assistance, policy makers often must decide what to do when welfare recipients fail to successfully
transition from welfare to work.
Renewed attention is being
focused on participants' individual characteristics, particularly specific diagnoses that might reduce employability. These
data indicate that mental & behavioral health problems could be significant barriers to self-sufficiency for many of these
women& that they'll need substance abuse &/or mental health treatments.
Women living w/advanced breast cancer diagnoses
experience high levels of traumatic stress symptoms.
Recent studies have shown
that past & current stressors influence mental & medical health outcomes in women w/metastatic breast cancer.
One study revealed that up
to 1/2 of such women may experience clinically significant levels of traumatic stress symptoms related to their cancer.
1/3 of women reported high
levels of "intrusion" symptoms (e.g., unbidden disturbing thoughts/memories about their illness & treatment) & more than 1/4 reported "avoidance" symptoms (e.g., trying to forget about the illness) in the same range.
These levels are comparable
to those seen in survivors of other traumatic stressors, such as multiple shootings & motor vehicle crashes. Of particular
note are the findings of an elevated risk for both intrusion & avoidance symptoms for women w/stressful life histories & currently aversive social environments.
Thus, having experienced past
stressors may make women more vulnerable to more intense distress & trauma symptoms in response to new stressors. These findings have implications for the design of support services for such women.
Miscarriage: Answers to your 10 most-asked questions
1.
How do I know if I'm having a miscarriage?
2.
When should you contact your care provider?
3.
Why did this happen to me?
4.
How long will it take to miscarry?
5.
How long will the bleeding last?
6.
When will my period return?
7.
How long will it take me to recover?
8.
When can we start trying again?
9.
How can I support my partner?
10.
How can I memorialize my baby?
Married Women Report More Sexual Woes Than Singles
But new U.K. survey finds the opposite is true for men
By Kathleen Doheny
HealthDay Reporter
THURSDAY, Sept. 29 (HealthDay
News) -- Married women are more likely to report ongoing sexual difficulties than either
single women or married men, according to an eye-opening new survey from Britain.
Single men, on the other hand,
are more likely to report bedroom problems than either married men or cohabitating guys.
If that math doesn't quite
add up, well, sexology experts have noticed that, too - & have an explanation for it all.
"We found that communication
was a key issue," lead researcher Catherine Mercer, of University College London's Centre for Sexual Health and HIV, said.
"That is, within a relationship, people who were less able to talk freely with their partner about sex appeared to have more problems with their sex life. This also suggests that sexual function
isn't always an individual's problems; it may be partnership-specific."
In the study, conducted between
1999 to 2001, Mercer & her colleagues surveyed more than 11,000 British men & women, ages 16 to 44, asking them about
the quality of their sex lives.
Among the problems survey
respondents were asked about:
- lack of interest in having sex
- feeling anxious about their performance
- inability to climax
- coming to a climax too quickly
- experiencing physical pain during sex
- men having trouble achieving an erection
- women having trouble becoming lubricated
Respondents were asked if
they had experienced any of these problems for at least one month during the previous year.
In total, 54% of the women
& 35% of the men reported some kind of sexual trouble lasting at least one month in duration, while almost 16% of the
women & more than 6% of the men said they had experienced a problem (or problems) lasting
more than 6 months.
However, fewer than 21% of
the women & fewer than 11% of the men said they had sought professional help, the researchers report.
On average, respondents said
they had sex about 4 times a month. Those who had sex less than that had more sexual problems, regardless of gender.
While older age was associated
with more problems for both genders, married women were more likely to report a sexual problem than were single women. Married
women with young children at home were also at higher risk for sexual complaints - a finding Mercer believes may be linked, in great part, to fatigue.
Married men or those living
with a partner were less likely to report sex life problems than single men. The reverse was true for women.
Certain factors upped the
odds of trouble in the bedroom. Those who rated their first sexual experience as not very good had more problems, as did men
who drank more alcohol than is deemed healthy & men who had contracted a sexually transmitted infection within the past
5 years.
Mercer believes men with a history of sexual infection may be "more open to recognizing & reporting sexual function problems" in general.
But whatever a person's gender
or marital status, the key to getting help is to talk about the problem before it gets unwieldy, according to Mercer, whose
study appears in the October issue of Sexually Transmitted Infections.
In general, Mercer added,
the U.K. findings should probably apply in the United States as well.
The findings don't surprise
Patti Britton, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists, who directs The Center
for Passionate Wellness near Lake Arrowhead, Calif.
She believes gender differences help explain some of the statistics. "Women tend to be more vocal in expressing their sexual concerns," said Britton, in explaining perhaps why more married women than men reported problems. "Men tend to carry a lot more shame about their sexual prowess."
"The complexity of the relationship
plays in," as well, she added. Married relationships may be more complex than single partnerships, she said, especially when
children are thrown into the mix. In contrast, single folk may simply move on when sexual problems surface.
"Married men may not want
to acknowledge the problem," she added. If they speak up, "they fear the sex may disappear or the frequency decline. It would be perceived as complaining."
The U.K. survey respondents
were younger (some as young as 16) compared with individuals typically surveyed by American
researchers, Britton noted. U.S. researchers would typically not question people about sexual problems until they're 19 or
older, she said. That means the relative inexperience of many of those surveyed may be skewing the results, as well.
Still, Britton agreed that
"we need better education for sex so that, particularly, young people feel more competent as lovers when they have their first coital
experience."
"We [also] need to advocate for better communication skills for couples," she added, as well as making sure people to seek & receive
proper care for any sexually transmitted infections.
More information
To learn more about sexual functioning, visit the American Association
of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists (www.aasect.org ).
When he has a headache
Perplexed by your guy's behavior? Actress Kimberly
Williams-Paisley sets the record straight on his weird habits.
Sexuality after cancer treatment: What women can expect
By MayoClinic.com
Sex might be the last thing on your mind as you start thinking about cancer treatment options & cope with the anxiety that comes with a cancer diagnosis. But as you start to feel more comfortable with yourself during treatment & afterward, you'll want to get back to a "normal" life as much as you can. For many women,
this includes resuming sexual intimacy with their partners.
An intimate connection with a partner can make you feel loved & supported as you go thru your cancer treatment. But sexual side effects of cancer treatment can make resuming sex more difficult.
Find out
if you're at risk of sexual side effects after treatment & which treatments can cause these side effects. Knowing more
about your situation can help you feel more in control & help you find a solution that will work for you.
Who's at risk of sexual side effects?
Women
being treated for breast or gynecologic cancers are most likely to experience side effects that make having sex painful or
difficult. But cancers anywhere in the pelvic region can cause these effects. Pelvic cancers include:
- Bladder cancer
- Cervical cancer
- Colon cancer
- Ovarian cancer
- Rectal cancer
- Uterine cancer
- Vaginal cancer
Treatment
for each of these cancers carries the risk of causing physical changes to your body. But having cancer also affects your emotions, no matter what type of cancer you have. These emotions can also impact your attitude toward sex & intimacy with your partner.
What sexual side effects are most common?
The treatment
you receive & your type & stage of cancer will determine whether you experience any sexual side effects. The most
commonly reported side effects among women include:
- Difficulty reaching climax
- Loss of desire for sex
- Pain during penetration
- Reduced size of the vagina
- Vaginal dryness
Not all
women will experience these side effects. Your doctor can give you an idea of whether your specific treatment will cause any
of these.
Common sexual side effects of selected
cancer treatments
click here to visit the article page and read more @ msn.com
Assessment of Female Sexual Dysfunction
Anita H. Clayton, MD
Dr. Clayton is associate professor of psychiatric medicine and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatric Medicine
at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville.
Abstract
How is sexual functioning
assessed in women? Understanding of the specific phases of the sexual response cycle & the underlying biological, psychological, cognitive & cultural
components is required for a complete assessment.
Sexual functioning changes
across the life cycle, with different factors assuming greater importance at different reproductive stages. A previously satisfactory
psychosexual adjustment may change with the onset of primary or secondary sexual disorders.
Secondary sexual disorders
may be precipitated by medical or psychiatric conditions, substances such as medications or alcohol & changes in interpersonal
relationships or psychosocial circumstances.
Taking a careful history of
lifelong & current sexual functioning, evaluating comorbid medical conditions, documenting concomitant medication &
other drug use & understanding the nature of current intimate relationships will allow physicians to effectively diagnose female sexual dysfunction and
improve the quality of life for many women.
Introduction
Assessment of sexual
functioning in women requires an understanding of the specific phases of the sexual response cycle, with any identified dysfunction placed in the context of underlying
biological, psychological, cognitive & cultural components.
Primary sexual disorders
vary in frequency across the life cycle, while secondary sexual disorders may be precipitated by changes in psychosocial circumstances,
medical conditions, medication use, or substance abuse.
Taking a careful history
of sexual functioning & contributing conditions, documenting the level of interpersonal distress about the dysfunction & understanding the status of interpersonal relationships will allow the physician to recognize sexual dysfunction & guide effective interventions.
Sexual Function & Diagnosis
The current diagnostic
classification of sexual disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV)
utilizes a motivational / psychophysiological model based on the 3 phases of the sexual response cycle: desire, arousal, & orgasm.1
Sexual desire is manifested by sexual thoughts & fantasies & interest in participation in sexual activities. Neuroendocrine factors associated with desire include adequate levels of testosterone & the neurotransmitters dopamine & serotonin, perhaps acting via the hypothalamus & associated limbic structures.
Relationships
between behaviors & hormone levels have not been well established. Testosterone levels are considerably lower in women
than in men & fluctuations occur relative to reproductive events. The levels of circulating free or total testosterone
required for adequate sexual desire in premenopausal women haven't been clearly established.2,3
Factors in addition
to hormones, such as psychosocial context & the nature of the intimate relationship, may influence desire. Conditioning may also play a role: women report a greater increase in sexual desire after exposure to an erotic video during the follicular phase than after exposure during the luteal phase.4
Sexual arousal
is manifested in women by pelvic vasocongestion, vaginal lubrication & swelling of the external genitalia in the context
of sexual stimulation. Autonomic effects on vaginal blood flow during sexual arousal may be mediated by vasoactive intestinal
peptide.5
Changes in sex
steroid levels haven't been specifically linked to changes in physiologic arousal across the menstrual cycle.6 Adequate levels
of estrogen are required for arousal, but other neuroendocrine mechanisms also play a part, including central dopamine stimulation,
modulation of the cholinergic-adrenergic balance, peripheral a1-adrenergic agonism & the presence of nitric oxide.7,8
The physiologic release of
sexual tension, termed "orgasm," is associated with rhythmic contractions in reproductive organs, with cardiovascular &
respiratory changes. Multiple orgasms may be experienced in women because women don't have a post-orgasmic refractory period.
Oxytocin, a neuropeptide hormone, may play a part in the physiological mechanism of orgasm. Plasma oxytocin levels have been correlated
with perineal contractions & increased systolic blood pressure in both men & women.9
Orgasmic delay may occur with
serotonergic activation, postulated to be specific to the 5-HT2 receptor,10 & with peripheral a-adrenergic
antagonism.7
Sexual Dysfunction
Many women experience sexual
dysfunction. However, the problem often goes unreported because both the patient & the healthcare provider may be reluctant
to raise the issue. In addition to the biological aspects, sexuality involves psychosocial, emotional, cognitive & cultural
components.
Biological Components
In women, reproductive endocrinology
& the timing of sexual behavior appear to be related. The pubertal rise in testosterone is associated with increases in
female sexual interest & activity & may be mediated by social context.11
Reproductive-aged women who
engage in sexual activity less often than once a week are more likely to have irregular menstrual cycles, be anovulatory &
experience luteal phase deficiencies or infertility than are women who engage in sexual activity at least once weekly.12,13
Monophasic oral contraceptive
users have lower sexual interest & fewer sexual thoughts & fantasies than triphasic oral contraceptive users.14
Coital frequency decreases
as pregnancy progresses, probably due to the presence of dyspareunia & diminished orgasmic capacity.15 The
return of sexual functioning to pre-pregnancy levels parallels restoration of hormonal cycling & is delayed in women who
breast-feed & experience lactational amenorrhea.16,17
Decreased libido & dyspareunia
associated with vaginal dryness18,19 occur in menopause & are apparently associated with declining testosterone
& estrogen levels.
Psychosocial Components
Sexual functioning may be affected by:
Postmenopausal sexual
functioning may also be influenced by:
- body image
- psychological issues
- relationship status
- general health status
- beliefs about menopause & sexuality.19
The sexual functioning
of older postmenopausal women may also be inhibited by:
- psychological issues of aging
- concomitant medication use
- comorbid medical illnesses
However, it's
possible to maintain a meaningful sexual relationship throughout late life.20
Cultural Components
Sexuality occurs within the
context of culture. As such, cultural components must be considered when assessing sexual dysfunction.
For example, homosexual women
live in a culture that is different from that of heterosexual women, with related but different psychosocial issues that might
negatively affect sexual function.21
Cultural aspects may also
be a consideration in sexual functioning for older women. While research on the sexual behavior of older women is limited,22 attitudes on what is "proper" behavior for women at different ages throughout their lifespan may influence
sexual functioning.
Evaluation of sexual functioning
requires an understanding of diversity, which may influence the sexual functioning of women.
Cognitive Components
Cognitive aspects of sexual
functioning include sexual thoughts & fantasies, viewing of erotic material (in printed or
video format) & some aspects of satisfaction from sexual activity.
Prevalence of Sexual Dysfunction
Epidemiological data regarding
sexual functioning is available from the 1992 National Health & Social Life Survey of adults in the United States (1,749
women & 1,410 men) aged 18 - 59 years, of different racial & ethnic backgrounds (75% white, 12% black, 8% Hispanic).23
43% of the women reported sexual dysfunction at some point.
Educational attainment, age & marital status were associated with sexual problems. Young women reported more problems
with sexual desire & difficulty achieving orgasm than did older women (Table 1).
Women with lower education attainment had fewer pleasurable
sexual experiences & a higher level of sexual anxiety than did women with higher levels of educational attainment.
Problems with orgasm were 1.5 times greater in unmarried women
compared to married women.
Cultural or racial differences were also
noted in regard to sexual dysfunction. White women reported more sexual pain, whereas black women reported lower sexual desire & satisfaction. Hispanic women reported the lowest rates of sexual problems.
In this report,
a history of sexual trauma negatively affected sexual functioning & poor physical & emotional health was correlated with sexual dysfunction.23
A postal questionnaire
in England24 found similar rates of reported sexual dysfunction. Anxiety, depression & marital difficulties were associated with arousal, orgasmic & satisfaction problems, suggesting that both the relationship & sexual functioning influenced satisfaction.
In a sample of 3,329
healthy women in an outpatient gynecologic clinic:
- 28% reported they were no longer sexually active
- 18% of the women reported frequent pain with intercourse
- nearly 60% of the women described significant difficulties
achieving orgasm25
Secondary Sexual Disorders
The etiology of sexual disorders may be medical,
psychosocial/situational, substance-induced, or a combination of these factors. Psychiatric conditions that may affect sexual
function in women include depression,26 bipolar illness,27 eating disorders,28 histrionic
personality disorder,29 and schizophrenia.30 Neurological illness,31 endocrine disorders,32
genitourinary conditions,33 infections, cardiovascular disease, and autoimmune disorders34 may contribute
to sexual dysfunction in women. Psychological factors may play a role in sexual dysfunction associated with medical conditions.
Negative body image may be related to surgical scarring, body weight, and aging. Sexual functioning may also be influenced
by physiological effects. Women with complaints of premenstrual symptoms reported diminished sexual desire, less frequent
sexual activity, fewer orgasms, and lower satisfaction with orgasm during the late luteal phase than during other phases of
the menstrual cycle.35
Psychological factors unrelated to medical conditions, such
as interpersonal relationships, sexual self-esteem, prior psychosexual adjustment, and long-standing body image may also influence
sexual functioning. Premenopausal women with gynecologic complaints had a substantially greater incidence of sexual assault
history than women without gynecologic complaints.36 Chronic stress and the physiologic manifestations of stress,
such as fatigue, sleep disturbance, and irritability, may also influence sexual functioning.
Substance use may be another factor in sexual functioning. Alcohol
may potentially increase desire but diminish sexual arousal. Sixty-two percent of male cocaine and alcohol abusers experience
sexual dysfunction; data on female abusers are not available.37 More than 100 non-psychotropic medications may
contribute to sexual dysfunction.38 Psychotropic medications are more likely to produce negative sexual effects
than positive ones; antidepressants,39 benzodiazepines,40,41 and antipsychotics42,43 have
the greatest effect on sexual functioning in women. Montejo-Gonzalez and colleagues39 reported that 52.5% of women
treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) experience sexual dysfunction primarily affecting libido and
orgasmic function. Bupropion,44 mirtazapine,45 and nefazodone46 appear to have fewer negative
effects on sexual functioning than do the SSRIs.
Assessment of Sexual Functioning
Physicians evaluating sexual function in women should investigate
the phases of desire, arousal, and orgasm, and address sexual satisfaction. Sexual disorders enumerated in the DSM-IV
focus on desire disorders, arousal disorders, orgasmic disorders, pain disorders, and sexual disorders due to a general medical
condition or substance use. Subtypes categorize the nature of the onset (life-long or acquired) and the context of the sexual
dysfunction (generalized or situational). Sexual dysfunction may profoundly affect quality of life by weakening relationships
and self-esteem, and may also influence compliance with medical treatment associated with sexual problems.
Barriers to assessment of sexual functioning include silence
due to shame, fear, or ignorance about normal sexual functioning; negative thoughts and loss of interest or pleasure associated
with depression; lack of interest in or absence of an ongoing relationship; attribution to other stressors; comorbidity of
Axis I and Axis II disorders; and the sex of the patient–women are less likely than men to spontaneously report sexual
problems. Physicians may also avoid the topic because of discomfort in asking about sexual functioning; fears of being misperceived
by patients as intrusive or seductive; failure to ask phase- and gender-specific questions; lack of knowledge about sexual
dysfunction associated with comorbid illnesses and with medications; and interpersonal differences between physician and patient,
such as gender or age. An additional barrier to assessment is failure to use an appropriate assessment tool. Such an instrument
should assess phase-specific function and premorbid sexual functioning; monitor change over time; be female-specific, brief,
and able to discern primary from secondary dysfunction; and not be perceived as intrusive.47 Current clinically
useful tools include the Arizona Sexual Experiences Scale48 and the Changes in Sexual Functioning Questionnaire,
clinical version.49 These measures have been validated, take less than 5 minutes to complete, are not perceived
by patients as explicit or intrusive, are able to measure change in sexual functioning over time, and utilize a Likert scale
to provide more information than simple yes/no answers might yield (see Table 2).
Strategies for addressing barriers to assessment include introducing
the topic with an assessment tool, normalizing the issue for the patient by discussing how common sexual disorders are in
the population or with specific treatments, and following up with phase-specific questions in the medical model. When treatment
with medications that are likely to induce sexual dysfunction is indicated, baseline measures of sexual functioning should
be obtained. The patient should be reassessed any time changes occur in the illness, with treatment, or in the patient’s
psychosocial situation. Discussions may refer to sexual activity rather than to specific sexual behaviors.
A sexual history should include information about reproductive
function, including onset of puberty, history of pregnancies, and peri- or postmenopausal state; report of the first sexual
experience; history of childhood sexual abuse, childhood or adult sexual trauma, or assault; current relationship status;
and current level of sexual functioning. The latter should include information about the woman’s current state of desire
compared with her previous levels of desire, her ability to become aroused (achieve and maintain vaginal lubrication, genital
sensitivity, intensity of sexual excitement), orgasmic function, and satisfaction with sexual functioning. Documenting medical
and psychiatric history and current diagnoses is important, as well as is identifying all substances that might contribute
to sexual dysfunction, including medications, alcohol, and illicit substances. Endocrine measures may be obtained as indicated
by the patient’s history. These could include free and total testosterone levels; thyroid function tests; hemoglobin
A1C; and prolactin, estradiol, follicle-stimulating hormone, and luteinizing hormone levels. The phase of the patient’s
menstrual cycle, prepubescence or postmenopausal state should be ascertained. A specific neurological or genitourinary examination
may be indicated as well, if the history or laboratory studies suggest a problem specific to these systems (see Table 3).
If a sexual problem is identified, it is important to address
each phase of the sexual response cycle and to specify the primary dysfunction. It is also important to note the woman’s
response to the sexual dysfunction with regard to distress or interpersonal difficulty. Once a specific sexual disorder or
dysfunction etiology is identified, specific treatment may begin.
Conclusion
Recognizing the underly
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