Anxiety! I Have It. I Don't Want It. Now What? - by Dr. Dorothy McCoy

In anxious situations, you'll react emotionally, cognitively & behaviorally. The following are examples of how you might experience these situations:

Feelings: anxiety, intense fear & nervousness

Thoughts: automatic negative thoughts

Behaviors: blushing, dry throat & mouth, trembling, muscle twitches & racing heart

Feelings

Normally the emotions you'll feel in phobic situations will be of such harsh intensity that you're uncomfortable & you may consider leaving the situation, or at the very least you wish you were home washing your dog.

Perhaps, you have told yourself that such feelings are terrible & you can't endure them. Because of your thoughts, you may have determined that the safest course of action is to avoid the anxious situation.

You're certainly not alone in choosing avoidance. Many, doubtless most, people with phobias (or extreme anxiety) choose to simply avoid the feared conditions.

Unfortunately, two things happen then:

(1) You don't have the opportunity to defeat the fear

(2) you feel immediate relief from the fear (in effect, you're rewarded).

This makes it more likely that you'll employ this solution (avoidance) next time you feel fearful.

Behavioral Theory suggests that we're more likely to repeat a behavior that produces a pleasing consequence (fears go away) than one that produces an uncomfortable consequence (fear remains).

Let’s, for a moment, consider what would happen if you chose to remain in the anxious situation, in fact, to actively seek such events.

Let’s also suppose that when you do this, you'll go in with new tools with which to ease the negative intensity of your emotions. You already have one of the tools - your Anxiety CD (if you don't have my Anxiety CD, use the method that works for you).

We'll imagine for a moment that you're exactly the way you want to be in anxious situations. Take a couple of minutes to see the image (yourself at the last event at which you felt fear or extreme anxiety) in detail, including as many of your 5 senses as possible.

In other words, if you were at a meeting with your boss you'll want to imagine the sounds, the room, your boss (& anyone else who was present), the fragrances & perhaps the taste of the coffee. The only difference between then & now is that you're now exactly the way you want to be. Please close your eyes & take a minute to experience the New You.

OK, you've had the opportunity to see the New You in a feared situation.

How was the imagined meeting (or other condition) different from when you were actually there?

What did you do differently?

How did you feel?

How did others react to this New You?

It would be helpful to write down your answers.

If you're pleased with the changes, perhaps now is the time to start planning for change.

You deserve to be happy - good luck! Oh, you have earned a giant pat on the back for taking the first step (yes, you took the first step toward a New You) on this exciting journey to a more satisfying & healthy life.

Would these changes enhance your enjoyment of life? Would you like yourself better?

You might want to remember that you aren't your behavior. You may wish your behavior was different & you may certainly change it, nevertheless, it isn't you. We can unconditionally accept ourselves as human beings & not accept everything we've ever done.

Critical judgments are like an albatross draped heavily around your neck, it may command your attention, but it isn't very appealing.

Writing about Feelings, Thoughts & Behaviors

Writing about our feelings & thoughts is more effective than merely thinking about them.

In fact, it's a good idea to keep a journal of your thoughts & feelings on a daily basis. Not only is it helpful because you become more aware & gain valuable insight, in addition, writing also reduces anxiety.

As we experience feared situations, the fear loses some of its intensity. Sometimes we find that we've been afraid of the fear itself. If we look fear in the face & don’t blink, it, like most bullies, will scurry away.

Thoughts

Simply put, cognitive therapy states that our thoughts create our world. We realize, of course, that situations in our environment will also influence the way we feel. However, if we become aware of our thoughts then we can learn the role they play in shaping our emotions.

i.e., if you believe that you're a boring person, there's very little you can do that'll change your perception until you recognize & challenge the irrational thought. Our goal isn't to become Pollyanna. Rather, we want to look for evidence to support the belief (whatever it happens to be) “I'm not OK.”

You may want to ask yourself several questions.

What do I do that isn't OK?

Am I always not OK?

Under what circumstances am I not OK?

Has someone said that I wasn't OK?

Where did the idea originate?

Am I not OK to everyone, at all times, in all situations?

If I sometimes do things that aren't OK, can I change that behavior?

Is there any objective evidence that I'm not OK?

Often we learn negative beliefs when we are very young & then accept them for the rest of our lives without ever exposing them to scrutiny. “I'm not OK” is a belief - not a fact. Let me say that again, because it's very important - “I'm not OK” is a belief - not a fact.

The only way to answer these, or other questions about yourself is to ask others for feedback & empirically examine your experiences. Often we're unnecessarily negative about ourselves.

Ruminating about your behaviors often leads to anxiety. I'm not OK & that's terrible.

Guilt: I Choose to Punish Myself

When we decide that we aren't OK, for whatever reason, we sometimes choose to punish ourselves. One way to do this is to feel guilty. I'm not saying you can't choose to feel guilt, but I'd like to examine the usefulness of that strategy.

Perhaps defining the term would be helpful; just to be sure we're all on the same page. Guilt says, “I'm not OK & I shouldn't enjoy happiness, consequently, I must continually remind myself what awful things I've done & feel bad.”

There's a large element of “if only” & “what if” in guilt. If only I had said, “I love you more,” “What if I had invested in that stock my rich cousin gave me a tip on.”

Human beings are purposeful; behaviors normally take us closer to a goal we've chosen. Guilt is purposeful if we can go back & change the past. Please take a few minutes to write down your strategy for changing the past.

My Strategy for Changing the Past